You’re an Allstar

Let’s see…that aforementioned crush unfollowed me on Twitter tonight. Cause I’ve been ignoring him. I was ignoring him cause we were afterthoughts to each other to begin with. Me ignoring him was equivalent to the amount of attention he gave me anyways…so I’ve lost nothing. I’m not a houseplant…don’t treat me as such. And don’t suddenly develop an interest in me a few days before you come to town. There are plenty of other chics you can play that game with. They won’t be as cute, funny, or smart…but that’s not my problem. Moving on…

Ike ruined my Superbowl Sunday. His roomate is an inconsiderate asshole, yes. But, Ike knew that. I was out of about
70 bucks and never got to go to the UK superbowl party and beer pong tournament. All because he wouldn’t just speak up and say, “We’re not coming, my roomate is flaking out on me like he always does.” But that’s neither here nor there. I’m not mad at him anymore…but I don’t have anything to say to him either. I’m gonna take it as a sign. Moving on again…

My night was redeemed tho. *fights a grin*

Speaking of what ya’ll probably THINK I meant by that last remark, I’ll say…I’m still keepin it 100 on the celibacy tip. Got somethin on my radar tho. Lawd, gimme strength. Lol!

Haha, speakin of strength, at the last Sore Loser’s show, I had a good convo with Brandon. Good as in, we filled each other in on the things we’d be dealing with blindly before. No reunion special…but he’s alright in my book.

Allstar weekend is almost here. I doubt I’ll be out and about…but I’ll grab an outfit just in case. I’d be perfectly fine staying in….more on that in a min.

Pray For Rain

I performed this brand new piece last night.

We pray for rain cause,
Ain’t nothin like a shower when you feelin dirty.
Comin’ in at 7,
Leavin at 2:30

Wives most men would never make us,
Normal women tend to hate us,
See WE go where the money takes us,
Houston, Atlanta, Vegas.

Yeah, we takes clothes off for a livin,
But while we makin’ a killin, I feel like I’m dyin,
Cause this, depressin’ dressin room was made for cryin,
And the, lights on stage is age-defyin,
Weed, x and cocaine tryin,
Dream sellin, self esteem buyin…
Am I lyin? Naw…

And for those who ain’t the prettiest or the best dancers,
They get off work
And spread legs like cancer.

We do pole tricks
For tips from old tricks,
I SAID, we pray for RAIN.
Heavy precipitation,
Crowd participation…
They used to call me Maui,
And I COMMAND a standing ovation.

Lose to Win

New Years Eve suuuuucked. I was at the dopest party I’m sure, but the wake up call I was seeking months ago showed up at the party and fucked off my night. I dunno what it is about my luck, but the antagonist always has to have something fundamentally in common with me, or they’ve got the whole venis fly trap face goin on. Or both. But I digress. It was uncomfortable to say the least…especially after the impromptu convo with Brandon (no, cutesy cover ups anymore…this is really the last mention of him as far as I can tell.) But enough about my old demons. The night was sprinkled with fun with the gang, and a few texts from a current crush, so all wasn’t lost. Matter of fact…lately I’m kinda giggly…

Actually downright bubbly. I started the new job this past week, and prior to that I was bustin my ass to get Christmas together for 2 households. So I haven’t noticed how this has been the best winter guy-wise in years. This celibacy thing is awesome, and I haven’t had time to really “worry” about anyone. Shortly after I wrote about Bryant graduating, I decided to give the final “no” to us ever being together. We’re still friends, but like with Brandon, I couldn’t be tied down to “nothing” anymore. Ladies, be faithful to yourself, and never to some dude who won’t commit. There’s nothing wrong with avoidng the heavy stuff or putting committment to the side in the beginning…but don’t give some weak nigga your best years (months, whatever) and end up with nothing to show for it. I wasted a good 6-8 months of this year on some lopsided shit. Don’t do it! Lol. Be open with what you need/want…if it can’t be met, hit that nigga with the pageant wave and keep it movin. Just because you meet HIS needs doesn’t mean he’s gonna change. But enough of that waitin’ to exhale bs.

I’m UP at this ungodly hour because afermentioned crush has a habit of waking me up to talk then going to sleep and leaving me hanging. 2nd night in a row. lol…I don’t mind (at least not til I wake up in 2 hrs!) It’s good to have someone to chat with…even though they’re far away (safe distance!). And for the first time in a while I can think about the opposite sex without feeling weighed down. Doesn’t hurt that he’s yummy to look at. *fans herself* lawd hammer see!!!
Good Mornin!

Still Blue.

Went to Sore Loser’s show Thursday night…great night start to finish. Hell, the day itself was good cause Nordstroms called to offer me the Jewelry position…the one I turned down a year ago because I was worried about Unkommon Kolor…as I should have been but for different reasons. But anyway…I think I’m ready to jump back into jewelry. We’ll see what happens. Waiting to get a start date and iron out the pay rate…

But I digress. I was walking towards the venue with my head down, lookin at my phone when a tall man comes charging at me. I looked up too late to see his face, and my purse’s life flashed before my eyes. Before he had a chance to rob me, he picked me up and squeezed me. My frame immediately recognized his…and if I didn’t have on lip gloss I probably would have kissed his face off. It was KB! (He’s only called that for blogging purposes…to me he’ll always be ‘Myblue’…said in a 6 year old’s voice, lol)It was in that lonnnnnnng hug that I realized that if missing each other has the be the only mutual feeling we’ll have for each other…then so be it. There’s a sort of shame or hesitance to say I love him…but I can miss him as much as I want. I purposely hadn’t seen him in 2 months, and had minimal contact…kicked my habit.

I didn’t relapse Thursday, but I had a great time. They killed as usual…him and Vince always make me proud. Lots of exciting things are coming their way, God/Mr. Patterson willing. Lol…

To Be Continued…

So I said Bryant and I were done for good…but leave it to him to pop up a month after our final showdown…and after I’ve deleted him from my entire life (for the first time I actually deleted his #…instead of just pretending to, lol). Our first year of “talking”, I didn’t take him serious. The second year, I fell hard…but then I realized HE didn’t take ME seriously. The 3rd year we had our ups and downs…he started to take me seriously, but I got so tired of him screwing me over (I ran into him at Victoria’s Secret with another chic, texts meant for other girls, etc.). We took our breaks…I fell in love with Ant…but when the dust settled, he was always back in the picture. He’s always been there for me, whether it meant money for meds when my kidneys were bout to fall out, or rent when I was unemployed…or just a shoulder, ear, or set of arms. There’s some days that I’m glad we never dated…and then others where I wonder why we’re not cause I feel like an old couple when we’re around each other.

I typed all this to jump into the fact that he wrote me a long heart-felt letter last week. (Forreal…I cried…then my mascara made my eyes burn so I cried harder!) He apologized for the last fight and acknowledged the fact that he tends to have a “me against the world” way of handling his problems. He wrote that he was graduating (this past Friday…I’m so proud of him it’s ridiculous!) And that he was at a point in his life where we could finally be on the same page and be together. *gasps* Yeah…haven’t ironed that one out, but we’ll see. Part of me wants to give it a shot…the other doesn’t even believe he came to that conclusion. *shrugs* who knows. Only time will tell.

Don

Random shout out to Don…who comments here, and I bathe in his blog but for whatever reason blogger doesn’t want me to comment on it. So, I wanted to say…I hate the Patriots, so seeing the Saints manhandle them is on my Like’s list too. I’m curious about your dislike of everything on the McDonald’s menu tho…uh…I liked your “if I should die…” entry…gave me an idea for a new journal…just a book of shit that ya’ll (family, friends, ex’s, etc) better do if/when I die. And each entry will end with “Or I will haunt the shit out of you!!!” Lol… um…what else. Oh. I don’t think that behind every good man is a good woman. I think there’s one BESIDE him tho.
Last random tidbit…I see you listen to Anita Baker too. Tell me she didn’t make a career out of yawning!!!

This entry wasn’t for anyone but Don…but if others are reading, hop over to his blog, MinustheBars.blogspot.com and for your poetry fix, Depthpoet.blogspot.com speaking of which, I really like your “I love you too” piece. Okay, my Don Shrine is complete!

accidental rant.

So…since I’ve been working on this car sitch, I haven’t wanted to talk to annnnnyone. I never call my mom, my God Children, Pops…I don’t talk to Unkommon Kolor unless we’re at an event…etc. I haven’t been dating really…like there’s absolutely no guy to gush about, and I’ve had my hands full with these dogs. (I realized today that I shop/cook for them and NOT myself.) Womp-womp!!! *pause* random sidenote, even though my bills ate it up, I made a little over 1200 bucks this week!!! Talkin bout bustin my ass for the commission!!! Anyways…uh, my step mom was blowin’ up my phone leavin messages talkin about if I don’t call my dad he’s gonna drive (from GA) to TX and track me down like he did a few years ago. (Daddy rant in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!)

Nigga I wish you WOULD show up where I pay bills!!! The only reason he got away with it a few years back is cause he knew I worked at Sears. He has no idea WHERE I work now, and if he showed up on my doorstep he’d be embarrassed and realize he wasted a trip cause I’m a grown ass woman who doesn’t take kindly to a grown ass man who couldn’t play a role in his child’s life showin up and tryna run shit. I’m twenty fuckin four years old. He didn’t help with school, a car, housing, etc…all he gave me was my high alcohol tolerance and my ability to burn bridges. He gave me his temper, but life has taught me to hide it with passive aggressiveness. Trust me, I’m not one of those typical “I resent my childhood cause I didn’t have a daddy” kids. Matter of fact, I’ve always thought of that as a cop out…maybe that’s wrong or insensitive…don’t care. Long story made short, I didn’t have a problem with him leavin, but I’ll let his ass have it if he thinks he can pop into my life and try to run it. Nigga you MUST be sleepy!!!!

“You MUST be sleepy”-Lil Duval

I love to write and though texting isn’t the most sophisticated platform for an argument (it’s right up there with arguing inside of a camping tent.) I’ve managed to master the art.

I just got out of a grapple to end the match that has went on for the past 2 hrs. Lmao, had we spoken on the phone I would have lost, because I hesitate in speech. Anyways, I was sittin here thinkin’, “Damn, my hands hurt from texting…I should ‘FATALITY!’ Him already…”. Final round ended like this:

Him: So basically ur telling me u regret it and u don’t want me to come.

Me: I’m telling you it’s 4am, and if you really wanted to see me or talk it would have happened over the past few days. You were ghost. How else should I take that?

Him: I have been busy Kris.

Me: Well I’m honored that you found it in your heart to pencil me in for the middle of the night. I’m sure you fuck with more convenient girls. One HAS to be awake.

Case in point, sometimes in the text battlefield, it’s unwise to end with a question mark as I did on that first response. Why? Cause even though you THINK your question mark is evoking feelings of empathy, and making the other person see your point of view, it’s NOT. You’re just leaving yourself open for an excuse. (See: I have been busy…) But, luckily for me, he provided a weak excuse without thesis or any supporting statements. That left him open for the take down…ring the bell dammit, he don’t want nooooo more.

Lol, also, keep a cool head. Wins like this are the result of being passive and not being too emotionally invested in the person/argument. I couldn’t care less about the topic at hand (why we couldn’t date/pick up where we left off, and why I didn’t want his company now or ever.) Yeah, I could have just ignored him to avoid drama or hard feelings. But I prefer closure. I like for both parties to understand and accept why the outcome is what it is. I think that’s why I struggled so much with sitches like Ant last year and KB this year. I had to BUILD my closure for those situations. Ha…not only has this been a rewarding writing exercise, but I learned something about myself as well. And no, I didn’t have to come outta pocket so rudely about calling someone more convenient (he lives 30 min away) But he had it coming. Saying he was too busy when he KNOWS I know otherwise is not only a statement about my importance to him, but it’s a cheap shot at my intelligence. People get fired in this bitch for smaller infractions. I was over our sitch before I could even be under him. (Dude, if I had time to blog about it last week, you’ve BEEN outta the picture!) Note to stupid guys: NObody’s sex is THAT good. And if it is, I’m glad I didn’t fuck up and let him smash.
Good Morning!

Where else have I been?

Other things in less exciting news…

Ike (one of the “Great Ones”, you know, when you think you’re in love etc) moved away to Waco. I was absolutely annoyed with him the whole week before he left and now I don’t put much thought into it. I haven’t seen him in maybe a year…and before that more than 2 years, so the move doesn’t effect anything…if we couldn’t find the time to be friends when he lived 30 min away, what’s another 2 hrs, ya know?

What else? Bryant (on again off again for the past 3 and a half years finally cut himself off forever I think. His grandma recently passed away and he tried to throw it in my face like I didn’t give a shit about him…we’re better than that…or we were…but I’m not even gonna worry about it. I offered a shoulder or an ear if he needed it, and I’m sorry to see him lose someone so important to him, but our friendship can’t be fixed at this point. I think we only held on because of the time we invested (almost 4 years) but it’s done for good this time around. There’s a reason we never dated…this is the reminder.

Speaking of deaths in the family, Jay (aka Strummable abs to Sharon) recently lost his younger cousin. It happened around the same time as Bryant’s grandma, but they seemed to handle their sitches completely differently. I saw hime the other day…all I’ll say is he hasn’t changed much. He’s not the man I wanted to marry, but he’s a good friend…one who forgives and forgets better than I ever could. His franchise seems to be doing well, and things are looking up for him despite his obstacles, but the boy’s gonna be okay.

I’m a lot closer to getting a new car…fingers crossed.

I finally got around to seeing “Slumdog Millionaire” and “He’s just not that into you”…GREAT stuff. Not that I take movies/books seriously, but…well I’ll touch on it later. Right now I’m about to get the house ready for a 4-legged guest…Luciano is about to have a female friend til February…I get the feeling they’re gonna hump. hopefully not tho. I’ll be damned if anybody’s gettin some under MY roof when I’m not.

Where I’ve been pt. 2

But so uh, as quickly as me and Brian’s adventures began (I let a man know where I live for shit sake….that’s like…kind of a big deal) they ended fairly quickly. Before I explain why, I’ll say it was fun having him around. Despite my non-traditional lifestyle, he made me feel tame…domesticated if you will. It was like I had all day to rip and run and act a damn donkey…but when he called, everything stopped and I was on my best behavior. He was verrrrrry intuitive…no matter how well I hid my thoughts or emotions, he was able to figure me out. And he was sensitive!!! Not soft. BUT, I finally met someone more sensitive than me. LOL, it was a learning experience cause I had never dated a Cancer. Hmmm…

But it ended because simply put, Sandy’s male roommate (one of Brian’s best friends) went ape shit and lost his damn mind one day…he all of a sudden had a problem with me, and it pushed me to end my friendship with Sandy…and later with Brian. Chillin though…cause like I said, I never let the wall down so there’s no feeling of loss. Don’t get me wrong, I miss hanging out, and receiving phone calls throughout the day that made co-workers wanna listen in cause they were jealous. I miss his back rubs…and how affectionate he was. Not the typical cake stuff either…the weird gestures that only a girl like me would appreciate. )