You feel better now.

Deserve.

So, we’ve established that you get what you deserve, and if you think you deserve better, you need to make changes to reflect that. This is a repeating theme around these parts. But as I was riding home from an annual dinner with coworkers tonight, I decided that I’m okay with some things in my life not being okay. Hard to explain, but there’s a welcome chaos. A type of dysfunction I can’t seem to do without. It’s kind of like my life is my studio area of my apartment. Art boxes, paints, sewing machine, random stickers, dress forms, fabric, buttons, wood burners, skateboards…everything is everywhere…it’s not tidy like I like it, but I know where everything is.

Like. I’m putting up with some bullshit, because the alternative is missing the bullshit and forgetting that I’m above it. Which really means I’m not above it, because I willingly accept it. I went from crying listening to a favorite song, to calmly thinking, “It’s not worth being upset, because at the end of the day, you won’t change a thing. Normally that thought alone would upset me. But today it cleared my mind…like, one less thing to worry about. I’ll know when enough’s enough I suppose. I can admit, I’m comfortable. Hand out blank canvases to people as they walk into your home. By the time they’ve left you should have house warming gifts to hang.

Coldplay, Shiver

Yes, I miss you too.

Thought Pile

1. I got my ass handed to me yesterday, and though I said I wouldn’t beg or plead, that is precisely what I’m doing. He’s wrong more often than I am, but I’m the worst at handling things when I’m angry. I kick, scream, punch, bite, stab. I don’t stop until I draw blood…this has to stop.
2. I am spoiled. I am a hypocrite. I used to be an AWESOME girlfriend. An incredible partner. Marriage material. Sometimes I still am, but other times I’m like the football player that had a career ending injury. I try to breeze by off of my previous achievements, while being a total dickhead. This week I’m climbing down from my pedestal.
3. “Kneel at the feet of the choices you make.” This Massive Attack quote spoke to me. As does everything when you’re fucking up, lol.
4. Dd and Arrias KILLED Friday night. Yes, they opened for Erykah Badu…but they did NOT conduct themselves like an “opening act”. Proud of them.  A.Dd+ Hoe!!!!!
5. I think I’m going back to Dallas, at least for a few months. Hopefully longer though. I decided that before I can truly move elsewhere, whether with my job or “Because I can.”, I need to first tie up loose ends and conquer Dallas. If that means giving love a chance and keeping my apt? Cool. If it means I need a bigger place…awesome. If it means selling all my furniture and heading to San Diego? Fine. But either way, it starts with this trip back.
6. It is past my bedtime, and the t-shirt I’m snuggled up with smells like someone who be smokin’ them squares. -__-

Thomas.

He's 9 now, got dammit.

 

Mirror

Quality time with my twin little brother.

This Crash

Quietly haunted me for years. I am now still not as good a driver as any of my exes…or Brandon…but, these days, I think I do well for someone who secretly thought she’d never drive with any hint of confidence. I hit this milestone a few months back, but remembered to share it today. I’m actually pretty good these days. I’m good enough to complain about other people being bad drivers so…yeah. Clap for me. Clap for me. My ex used to stress me out about it, and I didn’t have a way to explain to him that behind the wheel, everytime I blinked, I saw myself or my friends flying through the windshield. It was tattooed to my eyelids for the duration of ANY trip. Now? They finally rest in peace, and so do I.

 

 

Lmao. Facebook.

Saw this as somebody’s status. Call me simple, but I read it aloud like a spoken word piece and died laughing.

“ FACEBOOK , slutbook , meet just to fuckbook , tryin to be sneaky but den get caught upbook , shamebook , lamebook , usin’ a fake namebook , corny in da streets but on here you qot gamebook , jokebook , pokebook , everybody’s quotebook , in pictures u got money but in person u brokebook , sexbook , flexbook , flirting wit ya exbook , sumone leaves a comment den u get a urgent textbook , fightbook , trifebook , everybody’s rightbook , someone needs to come out wit a get a fuckin lifebook.”

Lol!!!!

Lol.

I was in the shower the other morning, half sleep, and I thought about my relationship before the last one. Nothing bad…or really about him per se.  But I was doubled over in laughter at this thought:

“By the end of our relationship, we were beer battering EVERYTHING. I couldn’t prepare a meal that didn’t completely consist of beer battered fried foods. Chicken strips, shrimp, fish, mushrooms…and we used the good shit too…none of this Budweiser or Coors bullshit…”

 

I don’t know why. I just pictured the plates of food where nothing was left unfried and I thought it was hilarious.

Sex in a car,

will make you think of sex when you look at cars. But good sex in a car will make you look down on sex in beds, showers, bent over bannisters, sofas and on top of breakfast nooks.

Revenge.

Upon him? No. He already wakes up as himself every day. I can’t fucking top that.