Rehab

So…I made it 2 weeks without it…I’m happy (for now, provided I don’t relapse) in a bittersweet kinda’ way. Kenny, Law and Don would be proud of me. (welcome back Don btw…words can’t express how much I missed your writing, and insightful advice.)

Non-committment was just the tip of the ice burg I soon found out. I had to give up my drug because over the last 2 months I found myself extremely insecure…to the point that I could no longer find any happiness (pause, lol…someone once pointed out that the word happiness has Penis in it) within myself. My “happiness” was once or twice a week alone at home with him while he played Madden or 2K…there were things bothering me, but where he was, I was home…and whatever problems I had were always placed on a back burner cause I couldn’t bare to have to face them. Everything was on my end, it was all MY fault. IIIII was insecure. IIIII grew deeper feelings. IIIII agreed to where we were headed (nowhere). IIIII let it go this long. I didn’t feel like having him remind me of that. Didn’t want him to show me how much he didn’t care, and how unwilling he was to change any dynamics. These were things I KNEW. But I couldn’t deal with having them spoken…so I stayed quiet.

The first week was HARD. I spent most days uneasy and sometimes even nausous. (Like the feeling you get when something bad is going to happen) it was like morning sickness…because like clock work, it was the first thing I’d think of when my eyes opened in the morning. I just wanted my best friend back.

This week…I’m more at ease…it helps not seeing him or his name as often. I get the urge to hit him up sometimes, but I know better. At this point I’m sure I wouldn’t be welcome either way. He’s all anti emotion and what-not. But it’s been cool…I’m starting to see more things for what they are, and not what I want them to be (like I used to) and it’s done me well. I love the kid, but I can’t have him dangled before me. *wipes brow* Rehab…I’mInThatThang

Birthday Revelation

I’m typing this miles up in the sky…on my connector flight from Charlotte (spent 3 days in Cleveland) back to Dallas. My birthday is in a few hours. I’m gonna press my words now, and then forget about them for tomorrow. A beautiful woman is growing more beautiful, wise and mature by the day, and tomorrow we’re gonna celebrate that.
But, simply put, I deserve soooooo much more…and this whole lop-sided deal where I ACT like I don’t know my worth ends now. I’m tired of acting like Rose in the Joy Luck Club…putting someone else’s love on a pedestal, like it’s worth more than mine…when nothing could be further from the truth. My love is patient and understanding. I’m fully aware that where I’m at right now is completely my own fault. I wanted to give the benefit of the doubt, and even more than that, I got comfortable. I put on my “Noh” smile, hid feelings, and took what I was given without questioning it. But that’s done. I’m going home and getting my house in order. I’m dolling myself up for ME, going out on dates, cooking and getting appreciated. I wanna go out, I wanna stay in…I wanna not feel tied down to nothingness. Trust me, this isn’t an entry to bash him…he’s a brilliant person…one of my favorite in the whole world. But I can’t make excuses for my actions anymore…

So now…selecting sweaters for fall and winter. If I’m lucky I’ll just find one perfect coat that goes with everything. been window-shoppin my ass off lately!!!
*waves @ Kenny and Law* Thanks for the ears and lectures. I’m good!

Happy Birthday to who? Meeeeee!!!

Wacom Practice Sketch

Done under the supervision of…me…and occasionally KB & Señor Blanco (aka the new guy….).  Be back to post what’s been up later…just been bustin’ my ass at work and on the sewing machine…which needs to be replaced…but I digress. …ciao for now.

I still prefer non-digital drawing/painting.

Orange-Orange

Okay. So. Despite my current ailment (I drank heavily this past week and my kidneys are making me pay for it…hospital visit tomorrow morning) I DID have my first Vitamin Water, Snapple Antioxident Water and SoBe Life water. SoBe Life

The official breakdown is as follows: SoBe Life Water<Snapple Antioxidant Water<Vitamin Water
Now, I’m NOT gonna tell you that I had a girl-on-girl encounter Friday night. But, I am gonna tell you that Vitamin Water’s “Orange-Orange” is what it tasted like…it’s pure heaven.

I started this entry August 2nd, so I’ll try to sum up what I was trrrrying to get into, then I’ll get into what’s been up. K, so…lately I’ve been going back and forth on whether I need consistency, discipline, traditional values, accountability and respect or spontaneity, convenience, freedom from being vulnerable, and no strings attached. My recent sitch has been a perfect example of “It is what it is, but it ain’t what it looks like”. Catch us around the house and it’s hard to convince anyone we’re not together…but we’re not. Though it lacks most of the things I usually won’t settle without, I really do enjoy lazy days of music/video games/eating like I’m in college again (fast food and unlikely combinations). I like the casual, vaguely romantic gestures. I like the comfort zone I’ve carved out. But I know it’s for nothin cause while it’s been 5 and a half months (and could go on for way longer than that) there really isn’t a “destination”. And the day someone tries to inquire about one is the day the ride stops abruptly. *Shrugs* k, that’s last weeks tangent.

Now…? Trying to plan a trip to SA before my cousins go back to philly…then…maybe a trip to Little Rock. Why? Cause (and this is for you Shannon) there’s something Strummable up there. Lol, not Jay (details on that later)…actually better. No lie…true story. If I had your email I’d send you a pic of the guitar.

Lemme see…speakin of guitars…been checkin out a lotta live music…and apparently live music has been checkin me out as well. Hmmm…that’s all for now I suppose…oh wait, here’s your bonus footage:

Met KB’s mom again (I was sober this time) while wearing an outfit that consisted of his shorts, a Sonic the Hedgehog shirt and his hoodie. She nick-named me Sybil (cause I was a LOT different sober) but the nick-nickname is “Sober Chic” Lol, I like it.

So, they fixed my Blackberry…and I was happy…

I’ve kinda been getting to know someone I should have known a lonnnnnnnng time ago…(Talkin bout, we went to the same middle school, lived in the same neighborhood, had the same friends both in hs and college…our little sisters were BFF’s, and our parents knew each other.) But somehow he and I kept missing each other. So we’re kinda playin’ catch up, and it’s fun…he’s handsome and hilarious and pretty much what you see is what you get.

He scares the bejesus outta me too tho! Cause he’s in the military…and anybody who knows me knows my beef, pork and chicken with the military. My parents ruined that for me a lonnnng time ago. But somehow I think about him wakin’ up at 6ish every morning, putting on his uniform and I think its…(When I have a word for it, I’ll say so…but for now, it makes my face kinda glowy). I think it’s admiration (not to mention he looks damn good! Lol)…I tend to go for people with less structure and discipline, and here I am chit-chattin’ away on the yadda-yadda daily and every night when I get off.

It’s nice not feeling like a house plant…ya know…you water em when you feel like it…or if you remember to.

You’re right Mr. Masenda, guys don’t go back on those words. But they sho’ll do end up wishin’ they did. Kixpo…see ya there.

F*ck!!!

A Saturday night without a Blue OR Blackberry track ball??? I’m doomed…the sprint store better be able to fix her tomorrow or I’m gonna go ape shit. :-/ All I can really do is talk and text. Can’t surf, can’t facebook or myspace…*sighs* I’m a goner.

That…and…oh forget it.

So depressed about my Blackberry!!!

^^^^^^^^She should get laid. Just sayin.

Decisions, Decisions…

I understand the concept of working a job that isn’t fulfilling. As a matter of fact, I don’t know enough people who absolutely love their job. I think when it comes to “working”, you’re lucky if you find a career that makes you happy and pays the bills. But, it’s not always easy to land that…so I’m content with a job that pays the bills and doesn’t take away from the things in life that are fulfilling to me.

With that being said, me thinks it’s time to move around. My schedule is shitty and doesn’t allow me to be as active in UK as I should be. I took this job 6 months ago believing that the compromise would be the fact that A.) We get benefits after 3 months and vacation after 6 months and B.) By 6 months we’d have more agents…giving us the opportunity to get better schedules (as we’d have seniority over new employees) but that couldn’t be further from the truth. We started out with 11 people on our team. Before we made it to the floor, we were down to 10.  Since then, we’ve lost 4 people (Includin’ Ace Boon Coon Mika and Booshie-Ass Delicia, lol!) So there are 6 agents. 2 of the 6 are team leads, so we can’t trade schedules with them. SO. That leaves us with 4 agents who can trade shifts amongst themselves. The 2 with the better schedules never wanna change shifts, and the one with the slightly less shitty shift can’t really trade cause she has to give her dog medicine on a strict schedule. This means I’m only ever off on Wednesdays and Sundays. It means if we have a fashion show or event on Thursday, Friday, or Saturday…I’m stuck at work til 11pm, and can’t go. It means that even though my vacation and sick pay kicks in next week, I’ll never really be approved to take it cause we’re so short staffed. In theory, that means I don’t get to work “Kixpo” next weekend…and I don’t get to go to Vegas next month for the company trip to the Magic convention. With all that said…I’m out like a lightbulb unless magically the “Fix shit” Fairy pays this place a visit.

O…K, B!

As far as evil robots go…he’s not one. I never…ever sit and try to “figure him out”. Cause while I’m sure that would be a challenge, the act of not doing so is a challenge in itself  as well.   I’m pretty much coasting off of a few select thoughts…

1.) It is so good. (Yes, like the yogurt commercial)
2.) I have an eye contact complex, and there have been very few people in my life that I’ve been able to make natural eye contact with. Not sayin he’s special or anything, but, I feel like somewhere on his sclera there’s a grafitti tagging that reads, “Ivy was here” Lol.
3.) Don’t get this confused with me being mushy, but, I’d probably listen to him fart the national anthem if he asked. I put up with a lotta bizarre gestures, and that really wouldn’t seem too far-fetched anymore.
4.) The last bite of cheesecake tastes best when it’s someone elses. Even if you didn’t want any. Lol…
5.) To call him a best friend seems like it would cheapen it. (I stole that concept from Kenny…who in a non-cheap way is one of my best friends. Hmm!)…but none of my best friends could get away with licking the side of my face and have me walk around smellin like a sneeze. LOL…
6.)  His “concern” reminds me that even with all my super powers, I’m not fully invincible, and I really should be careful. “You don’t like me walkin’ in the sun cause it’s hot…or unda da moon cause there’s weirdos at night…so when can I walk? And under which planet/star?” Lol…

Anyway…I don’t like the guy.

My off day

So…yesterday was my off day…went over KB’s and lounged around…takin’ cat naps and what-not…watched a shit-load of the Boondocks…lol.

Here are some recent observations…

1.) It doesn’t have to smell like laundry, cologne, soap, etc…but just a man’s scent in general (not just any man of course, lol) is this crazy mix of “turn on, comfort and safety.”

2.) We write hard…talk soft…act softer.

3.) I’m more giving than I’d like to admit.

4.) Secret turn on…whispering ANYTHING in my ear. “I really enjoy cheeseburgers”…”Did you remember to turn off the iron?”…”Can you help me do laundry on Saturday?” Yes, ANYTHING. Lol…it can get downright silly at times…what’s wrong with me???

Uhhh’s, so I get a call from Biggers, and I’m thinkin it’s gonna be on some hardcore serious-business isht…(I kinda cringed before I answered cause I was sooooo comfortable and at ease). But…he was calling to tell me my skate deck is featured on the LupEnd Blog. I’d say it was the highlight of my day…but…my whole day was kind of a highlight cause I spent it with one of my favorite people on a futon, eatin’ chips, drinkin’ happy hour jumbo fountain drinks and watchin’ cartoons. I know you’re like “Wtf?” Lol, don’t take much to make me happy. But I digress…I was totally stoked that they decided to post it…it’s kind of a big deal cause everyone knows I love all things Fiasco. 

What elsers? This is the third day in a row I’ve been in contact with Jay (AKA Mr. Abs to you Shannon, lol) and I’m kinda like, “Niiiiice…ooops…huh?” It’s just small talk, and wouldn’t be a big deal if we’d always been in touch. I dunno…I think about him and feel shy. *Hmm*

Heh. No matter. Really just stopped by to say I’m thankful for my lazy day in yesterday. Looking forward to the next.

Shhh…I stealz deh babeh pick chuhs.

Baby Jayliciah

Simply Beautiful

Jay and his newest little one

Lol, he just gon’ hafta be mad at me for sharing these. (Stole em from his facebook, lol) Speaking of, he called today as I was getting ready for work. All’s well for him, and like I said before, I couldn’t be happier. These were my fave pics from the album cause of the way he’s looking at her. *Cheesy grin* I love it!

Her name is Jayliciah Marie, and I’m here to tell you right now, had it been me, and she haaaaaad to have his name in there somewhere, it would have been “Jaela” (You heard me, not Jayla like he’d try to do) Lol, again, all kinds of congrats cause she’s freakin a. dor. able.

Ciao Babeh!