Still Blue.

Went to Sore Loser’s show Thursday night…great night start to finish. Hell, the day itself was good cause Nordstroms called to offer me the Jewelry position…the one I turned down a year ago because I was worried about Unkommon Kolor…as I should have been but for different reasons. But anyway…I think I’m ready to jump back into jewelry. We’ll see what happens. Waiting to get a start date and iron out the pay rate…

But I digress. I was walking towards the venue with my head down, lookin at my phone when a tall man comes charging at me. I looked up too late to see his face, and my purse’s life flashed before my eyes. Before he had a chance to rob me, he picked me up and squeezed me. My frame immediately recognized his…and if I didn’t have on lip gloss I probably would have kissed his face off. It was KB! (He’s only called that for blogging purposes…to me he’ll always be ‘Myblue’…said in a 6 year old’s voice, lol)It was in that lonnnnnnng hug that I realized that if missing each other has the be the only mutual feeling we’ll have for each other…then so be it. There’s a sort of shame or hesitance to say I love him…but I can miss him as much as I want. I purposely hadn’t seen him in 2 months, and had minimal contact…kicked my habit.

I didn’t relapse Thursday, but I had a great time. They killed as usual…him and Vince always make me proud. Lots of exciting things are coming their way, God/Mr. Patterson willing. Lol…

To Be Continued…

So I said Bryant and I were done for good…but leave it to him to pop up a month after our final showdown…and after I’ve deleted him from my entire life (for the first time I actually deleted his #…instead of just pretending to, lol). Our first year of “talking”, I didn’t take him serious. The second year, I fell hard…but then I realized HE didn’t take ME seriously. The 3rd year we had our ups and downs…he started to take me seriously, but I got so tired of him screwing me over (I ran into him at Victoria’s Secret with another chic, texts meant for other girls, etc.). We took our breaks…I fell in love with Ant…but when the dust settled, he was always back in the picture. He’s always been there for me, whether it meant money for meds when my kidneys were bout to fall out, or rent when I was unemployed…or just a shoulder, ear, or set of arms. There’s some days that I’m glad we never dated…and then others where I wonder why we’re not cause I feel like an old couple when we’re around each other.

I typed all this to jump into the fact that he wrote me a long heart-felt letter last week. (Forreal…I cried…then my mascara made my eyes burn so I cried harder!) He apologized for the last fight and acknowledged the fact that he tends to have a “me against the world” way of handling his problems. He wrote that he was graduating (this past Friday…I’m so proud of him it’s ridiculous!) And that he was at a point in his life where we could finally be on the same page and be together. *gasps* Yeah…haven’t ironed that one out, but we’ll see. Part of me wants to give it a shot…the other doesn’t even believe he came to that conclusion. *shrugs* who knows. Only time will tell.

Don

Random shout out to Don…who comments here, and I bathe in his blog but for whatever reason blogger doesn’t want me to comment on it. So, I wanted to say…I hate the Patriots, so seeing the Saints manhandle them is on my Like’s list too. I’m curious about your dislike of everything on the McDonald’s menu tho…uh…I liked your “if I should die…” entry…gave me an idea for a new journal…just a book of shit that ya’ll (family, friends, ex’s, etc) better do if/when I die. And each entry will end with “Or I will haunt the shit out of you!!!” Lol… um…what else. Oh. I don’t think that behind every good man is a good woman. I think there’s one BESIDE him tho.
Last random tidbit…I see you listen to Anita Baker too. Tell me she didn’t make a career out of yawning!!!

This entry wasn’t for anyone but Don…but if others are reading, hop over to his blog, MinustheBars.blogspot.com and for your poetry fix, Depthpoet.blogspot.com speaking of which, I really like your “I love you too” piece. Okay, my Don Shrine is complete!

accidental rant.

So…since I’ve been working on this car sitch, I haven’t wanted to talk to annnnnyone. I never call my mom, my God Children, Pops…I don’t talk to Unkommon Kolor unless we’re at an event…etc. I haven’t been dating really…like there’s absolutely no guy to gush about, and I’ve had my hands full with these dogs. (I realized today that I shop/cook for them and NOT myself.) Womp-womp!!! *pause* random sidenote, even though my bills ate it up, I made a little over 1200 bucks this week!!! Talkin bout bustin my ass for the commission!!! Anyways…uh, my step mom was blowin’ up my phone leavin messages talkin about if I don’t call my dad he’s gonna drive (from GA) to TX and track me down like he did a few years ago. (Daddy rant in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!)

Nigga I wish you WOULD show up where I pay bills!!! The only reason he got away with it a few years back is cause he knew I worked at Sears. He has no idea WHERE I work now, and if he showed up on my doorstep he’d be embarrassed and realize he wasted a trip cause I’m a grown ass woman who doesn’t take kindly to a grown ass man who couldn’t play a role in his child’s life showin up and tryna run shit. I’m twenty fuckin four years old. He didn’t help with school, a car, housing, etc…all he gave me was my high alcohol tolerance and my ability to burn bridges. He gave me his temper, but life has taught me to hide it with passive aggressiveness. Trust me, I’m not one of those typical “I resent my childhood cause I didn’t have a daddy” kids. Matter of fact, I’ve always thought of that as a cop out…maybe that’s wrong or insensitive…don’t care. Long story made short, I didn’t have a problem with him leavin, but I’ll let his ass have it if he thinks he can pop into my life and try to run it. Nigga you MUST be sleepy!!!!

“You MUST be sleepy”-Lil Duval

I love to write and though texting isn’t the most sophisticated platform for an argument (it’s right up there with arguing inside of a camping tent.) I’ve managed to master the art.

I just got out of a grapple to end the match that has went on for the past 2 hrs. Lmao, had we spoken on the phone I would have lost, because I hesitate in speech. Anyways, I was sittin here thinkin’, “Damn, my hands hurt from texting…I should ‘FATALITY!’ Him already…”. Final round ended like this:

Him: So basically ur telling me u regret it and u don’t want me to come.

Me: I’m telling you it’s 4am, and if you really wanted to see me or talk it would have happened over the past few days. You were ghost. How else should I take that?

Him: I have been busy Kris.

Me: Well I’m honored that you found it in your heart to pencil me in for the middle of the night. I’m sure you fuck with more convenient girls. One HAS to be awake.

Case in point, sometimes in the text battlefield, it’s unwise to end with a question mark as I did on that first response. Why? Cause even though you THINK your question mark is evoking feelings of empathy, and making the other person see your point of view, it’s NOT. You’re just leaving yourself open for an excuse. (See: I have been busy…) But, luckily for me, he provided a weak excuse without thesis or any supporting statements. That left him open for the take down…ring the bell dammit, he don’t want nooooo more.

Lol, also, keep a cool head. Wins like this are the result of being passive and not being too emotionally invested in the person/argument. I couldn’t care less about the topic at hand (why we couldn’t date/pick up where we left off, and why I didn’t want his company now or ever.) Yeah, I could have just ignored him to avoid drama or hard feelings. But I prefer closure. I like for both parties to understand and accept why the outcome is what it is. I think that’s why I struggled so much with sitches like Ant last year and KB this year. I had to BUILD my closure for those situations. Ha…not only has this been a rewarding writing exercise, but I learned something about myself as well. And no, I didn’t have to come outta pocket so rudely about calling someone more convenient (he lives 30 min away) But he had it coming. Saying he was too busy when he KNOWS I know otherwise is not only a statement about my importance to him, but it’s a cheap shot at my intelligence. People get fired in this bitch for smaller infractions. I was over our sitch before I could even be under him. (Dude, if I had time to blog about it last week, you’ve BEEN outta the picture!) Note to stupid guys: NObody’s sex is THAT good. And if it is, I’m glad I didn’t fuck up and let him smash.
Good Morning!

Where else have I been?

Other things in less exciting news…

Ike (one of the “Great Ones”, you know, when you think you’re in love etc) moved away to Waco. I was absolutely annoyed with him the whole week before he left and now I don’t put much thought into it. I haven’t seen him in maybe a year…and before that more than 2 years, so the move doesn’t effect anything…if we couldn’t find the time to be friends when he lived 30 min away, what’s another 2 hrs, ya know?

What else? Bryant (on again off again for the past 3 and a half years finally cut himself off forever I think. His grandma recently passed away and he tried to throw it in my face like I didn’t give a shit about him…we’re better than that…or we were…but I’m not even gonna worry about it. I offered a shoulder or an ear if he needed it, and I’m sorry to see him lose someone so important to him, but our friendship can’t be fixed at this point. I think we only held on because of the time we invested (almost 4 years) but it’s done for good this time around. There’s a reason we never dated…this is the reminder.

Speaking of deaths in the family, Jay (aka Strummable abs to Sharon) recently lost his younger cousin. It happened around the same time as Bryant’s grandma, but they seemed to handle their sitches completely differently. I saw hime the other day…all I’ll say is he hasn’t changed much. He’s not the man I wanted to marry, but he’s a good friend…one who forgives and forgets better than I ever could. His franchise seems to be doing well, and things are looking up for him despite his obstacles, but the boy’s gonna be okay.

I’m a lot closer to getting a new car…fingers crossed.

I finally got around to seeing “Slumdog Millionaire” and “He’s just not that into you”…GREAT stuff. Not that I take movies/books seriously, but…well I’ll touch on it later. Right now I’m about to get the house ready for a 4-legged guest…Luciano is about to have a female friend til February…I get the feeling they’re gonna hump. hopefully not tho. I’ll be damned if anybody’s gettin some under MY roof when I’m not.

Where I’ve been pt. 2

But so uh, as quickly as me and Brian’s adventures began (I let a man know where I live for shit sake….that’s like…kind of a big deal) they ended fairly quickly. Before I explain why, I’ll say it was fun having him around. Despite my non-traditional lifestyle, he made me feel tame…domesticated if you will. It was like I had all day to rip and run and act a damn donkey…but when he called, everything stopped and I was on my best behavior. He was verrrrrry intuitive…no matter how well I hid my thoughts or emotions, he was able to figure me out. And he was sensitive!!! Not soft. BUT, I finally met someone more sensitive than me. LOL, it was a learning experience cause I had never dated a Cancer. Hmmm…

But it ended because simply put, Sandy’s male roommate (one of Brian’s best friends) went ape shit and lost his damn mind one day…he all of a sudden had a problem with me, and it pushed me to end my friendship with Sandy…and later with Brian. Chillin though…cause like I said, I never let the wall down so there’s no feeling of loss. Don’t get me wrong, I miss hanging out, and receiving phone calls throughout the day that made co-workers wanna listen in cause they were jealous. I miss his back rubs…and how affectionate he was. Not the typical cake stuff either…the weird gestures that only a girl like me would appreciate. )

Where I’ve been pt. 1

So, I’ve been too busy LIVING to blog properly…that and the fact that I don’t have a job with unlimited personal computer access anymore. But, here’s what you’ve missed.

Yes, I weaned myself off of KB. I miss him, and it sucks, but I had the confidence of a wet noodle when I was stuck on him. I’ll always have a weak spot for him, and I’ll always root for Sore Losers… (he’s so talented with unlimited potential…all I want is success and happiness for him.) That and better music on the radio. But what I needed was something he would never in a million years be able to provide.

Moving on…so…while hanging out with Sandy and her roomate, I met Brian a few months back. It had been a lonnng time since I had to pretend I wasn’t interested in someone. Lmao, he walked through the door and I had to passively run to the bathroom to brush my hair and check my nose for boogers. I knew I had no reason to–He had a gf, and I was stuck on KB–but still…I couldn’t live with myself if I let Shemar Moore’s clone see me lookin ratchet. That first night I met him, we played a sex compatibility game on his iphone. (Yes, there’s an app for that…and Sandy and I were bored…) He and I ended up having a high compatibility score, and it was all I could do to keep from blushing. I know, it’s just some app to pass time by…but still. A few weeks later, he and Sandy’s bf stopped by my job. I knew he wouldn’t recognize me, so I walked up to him (looking considerably hotter than when he’d met me the first time) and said,

“Hey…I’m Kris…according to your phone, we’d have really great sex…”

We had a short convo, and though we said we’d exchange numbers, we waited a good month and a half. I actually didn’t see him again until we ended up in a drinking game that left everyone buck ass naked. When we did exchange numbers though, we hit the ground running. I found myself ironing his clothes for work and goin’ on double dates with Sandy & CJ. You know, shit I had no business doin. It was fun tho…

Take the Stairs.

I watched their eyes tangle with one another’s from across the room…he stood sipping his drink, undressing her with his eyes. She…sat desperately grasping at the shreds of fabric, hoping no one noticed she was standing there naked. The second he took his eyes off her, she made her way to the door, hoping to get some fresh air and gather her thoughts. He soon followed and slipped into the elevator behind her. As the doors began to slide shut, I saw him push several buttons, guaranteeing a longer trip than usual. I’m sure he pressed his body against hers, and ran his fingertips over her lips. I’m sure she couldn’t help but to push back, and return every last kiss he gave her.

When the party began to fizzle, I finished my drink and headed to the elevator. When it arrived, I let the guys from the band on first…but with their instruments, I realized I wouldn’t fit. Opting for the stairs, I bid them all goodbye, and made my way to the door that led to the stair well. I took 3 steps down but froze at the sound of whispering and soft moaning. I slowly eased closer to the rail in order to look down and see who I had almost stumbled upon. Though I was shocked at the scene, I wasn’t surprised to find the elevator love birds going at it. Quietly, I stepped back and made my way out of the stair well.

Flustered by my discovery, and not looking where I was going, I damn near ran a woman over trying to get back to the elevators. I apologized, and was even more embarrassed when I saw that it was a familiar face…

“Have you seen…” Her voice trailed off. She cleared her throat and tried again. “I’ve been looking all over for him…can’t find him anywhere…”

I knew exactly where he was…but there was no way I could tell her…

“No…but I’m sure he’s been up and down, probably looking for you…you just can’t seem to catch him…”

I tried to give a reassuring nod as I stepped onto the elevator even though I felt guilty. My cab was waiting downstairs, and the whole way home I thought about the risk, and whether or not anyone saw us sneak away.
For what it’s worth, it was worth it.

Rehab

So…I made it 2 weeks without it…I’m happy (for now, provided I don’t relapse) in a bittersweet kinda’ way. Kenny, Law and Don would be proud of me. (welcome back Don btw…words can’t express how much I missed your writing, and insightful advice.)

Non-committment was just the tip of the ice burg I soon found out. I had to give up my drug because over the last 2 months I found myself extremely insecure…to the point that I could no longer find any happiness (pause, lol…someone once pointed out that the word happiness has Penis in it) within myself. My “happiness” was once or twice a week alone at home with him while he played Madden or 2K…there were things bothering me, but where he was, I was home…and whatever problems I had were always placed on a back burner cause I couldn’t bare to have to face them. Everything was on my end, it was all MY fault. IIIII was insecure. IIIII grew deeper feelings. IIIII agreed to where we were headed (nowhere). IIIII let it go this long. I didn’t feel like having him remind me of that. Didn’t want him to show me how much he didn’t care, and how unwilling he was to change any dynamics. These were things I KNEW. But I couldn’t deal with having them spoken…so I stayed quiet.

The first week was HARD. I spent most days uneasy and sometimes even nausous. (Like the feeling you get when something bad is going to happen) it was like morning sickness…because like clock work, it was the first thing I’d think of when my eyes opened in the morning. I just wanted my best friend back.

This week…I’m more at ease…it helps not seeing him or his name as often. I get the urge to hit him up sometimes, but I know better. At this point I’m sure I wouldn’t be welcome either way. He’s all anti emotion and what-not. But it’s been cool…I’m starting to see more things for what they are, and not what I want them to be (like I used to) and it’s done me well. I love the kid, but I can’t have him dangled before me. *wipes brow* Rehab…I’mInThatThang