Happy for him!!!

Alright. So. I said I had somethin to say about Jay. Hopefully my blog is tucked away far enough for him to never find this one, lol. I love him to death, and wish him only the best…cause even though our past is troubled, he’s an amazing person and I’m blessed to have known him. With that said…

He'd kick my ass if he knew I referenced this pic.

 

First off, backstory…I almost quit my job, moved half-way across the world to have a lil girl with him. Lol, blunt, but we were on a mission back in the day, lmao. Here’s the summary:

I met him at work one day…didn’t take him serious…at all. He was gooooode looking, and played basketball…really well. So those were the red lights for me, lmao. Dude’s like that are either hoes, or they’re chased by a million of em. He gave me HIS number, and I dunno what I did with it…(well I knooow what I did with it, but I don’t want to say it here, lol.)

2 months later, I run into his homeboy…who was like, “You know, he looked for you at all his home games…looked out in the crowd, and you neva’ came…” :-/ Had me feelin’ all crunchy like the wicked witch of the East…and he calls Jay up right then and there to tell him he ran into me. Few days later, he “stopped by” Ahem. By stopped by, I mean he drove prolly 45 min to an hr to see me. Nothing sexual…we watched his basketball footage (He’s incredible) and just “caught up” since we never spoke after the day I met him. After a while, we started talking, his ex and mother of his children caused some static, makin’ threats about him not being able to see his boys…so I walked away. I didn’t wanna have any part in a man not being able to see his kids…especially one who is a devoted father like he is. He told me to reconsider, and that his ex had backed down…I still didn’t. We ended on bad terms…and didn’t speak or see each other for 2 years.

Ahem. But when we did, we hit the ground running…I was immediately on a plane to Atlanta to reunite with the man of my dreams…lol. There’s no need to go into detail…but I flew back to Texas glowing. I was looking forward to packing up my life, having a big belly, swollen feet, and buying pink stuff. This is the blog about that very day I headed home to say goodbye to Texas.

Anyway…I ended up not having his baby. He ended up having custody battles with the ex, it put extra stress on us, and we didn’t make it. By the time he moved back to Texas, there was nothing to salvage…I loved him, but I didn’t think we could make it work. I didn’t wanna risk getting caught up or hurt…and I had met Ant (insert dreamy music ya’ll, lol). The last time I saw Jay was last July. Won’t go into details, cause it was one of the saddest nights of my life. All I’ll say is that he promised up and down that in the time we were together and in the last 8 months, he hadn’t been with another woman. (I didn’t believe him). He wanted us to get back together, and for me to leave Ant alone. I wouldn’t…so he left. A month later, he posts pics up of his new (old gf) referring to her as his future baby mama. I got a good laugh outta that…cause had I left Ant (And we all know that’s not scientifically possible, lol) that woulda been me. Or it woulda been both of us! Lmao…I spoke to him back in January, and he tells me they were getting married, and he was expecting a baby in June. Then a month later he tells me she lost the baby. He said she was 6 months pregnant. (Yeah, do the math…count the lies.) But then…last week…She had the baby!!! I don’t even care about our past, or the lies…It’s a little girl!!! And she’s BEAUTIFUL…even fresh outta the womb!!!(You know I don’t fuck with babies til they’ve had the slime offa them for at least 3 weeks…lol!!! Most babies come out lookin like gargoyles and I don’t play that shit…but, she’s gorgeous. I don’t even care he was trife as hell…I’m glad he finally got the little girl we wanted…and looking at his track record, it’s for the best that I wasn’t the one to give it to him. But I’m happy. Genuinely happy…and hope he continues to be blessed with his new family, and his basketball franchise he just bought. *Chuckles* I’m an awesome ex. I guess I didn’t have to type all this out to just say that whenever I read Shannon’s blogs about the little girl she didn’t get to have…I think about ‘07. We’ll have our own with real Prince Charmings, lol, someday, I’m certain of it.

p.s. Shannon if you’re reading, hover your mouse over your name. LOL

Toodles!!!

Google Me, Baby!

Lol…so I was havin’ this “I’m hungry but too on edge to eat, What if I really doooo have the diabeetus, I miss KB, prolly should call my Madre and touch bases, Everyone buy a shirt, no I’m not crying!!! (But I really am)” Day, and I thought I’d just curl up and dieeeee!!! LOL vvvvvthat’s how I looked!!!

Punky and Breezy

Last night my Ant Bite texted me…lol, *crowd goes aww* I hope things are looking up for him.

*Pause!!!* While we’re on ex’s, REMIND ME TO TELL YOU BOUT JAY. Omg…

Okay. So today…I see Leslie and just wanna cry in her lap. But…I had a million things to do at my desk, so I just kept leanin back to keep the tears in. Even though it’s Mika’s day off, I was bummed not havin’ her here cause I know she’s never comin’ backkkkk….:( Damn son…

As far as Mr. Feet-Sweeper-Offer, in search of peace, I said my piece…and we’ll see what happens.

But so yeah…I googled myself at my desk. I’m not vain…but I do it every few weeks or so. (It’s fun because I’m like the only “Krisaela” in the world…there’s another, but I think it’s a dude in the Phillipines…) Anyway…I got the normal stuff (Blogs, Unkommon Kolor, Poetry, Track Meet results from way back when…but then…I clicked this…and it Made. My. Day. LOL…it’s like, 2 years old…but the compliments made me all warm and fuzzy inside. I never read them til today. I remember that shoot with my bestie, but not the comments on the pic. Hell, I didn’t think much of the fact that I was in the pic…I was quicker to brag on HIS skills…cause he’s freakin amazing. *Sighs* I see him enough, but I miss him. Like, I miss him 2 years ago. Sip on that…

A whole bunch of what the theeee f***.

Lol, today sucked balls!!! I’ve been all dehydrated and recovering from last night’s black out…lmao, I know I had to have been lookin like a bobbly ass crackhead the way I was shivering…

It’s amazing. I hate the “C” word as much as any guy…but I love myself too much to go far into an unhealthy situation. I don’t do things that I know for a fact I’ll regret when it’s all said and done. No, I’ll never ask for a title. I don’t think anyone should ever have to…nor do I think that it’s what makes things “work”. More important to me than any word or term is a common understanding. That’s it…so yeah, I beat myself up about it today, wondering what I did or said wrong, but really…I was still makin’ excuses. When it comes down to it, I’m the wicked witch of the west cause I asked for clarity. I’m an idiot for allowing the convo to take place in writing, and I’m annoyed I didn’t listen to Ike. :-/

Anyways. Woke up feeling physically, mentally and emotionally dead. Go to work…clock movin’ all slow and isht…Kathy gon’ ask me, “Where’s MY man Kris? How was his show on Friday? Tell him I’m soooo sorry I couldn’t make it…” I almost said, “He’s as much mine as he’ll ever be yours…” But I didn’t wanna be left open for questions, comments…suggestions. I was on edge the whole time, and as soon as I start feelin’ well enough to eat…My ace boon coon got fired on her lunch break!!! (WTF?!?!) So then I’m sittin’ at my desk, scared to death cause my lunch break was comin in 30 min. When I tell you I didn’t wanna go to lunch cause I was scared my desk would be cleaned off…ooooooh weeeeeee!!! Not because I just LOVE my job…I mean, it’s cool, and it’s nice to feel secure…but for the simple fact that I’ve NEVER been fired from anywhere…and the thought of them takin’ me to the back while someone cleaned out my desk was absolutely terrifying!!! I watched them tear through Mika’s desk behind me…they reminded me of a pack of wolves or lions, coming in for a kill. Dang homie…that shit was so foul. What’s the point of firing people in the middle of their shift??? You knew you was gon fire her a week ago…what the fuck is up with that?

Wooomuthafuckinsah.

We gon’ get it together…I’m hittin’ the ground runnin’.

Adi’s and Os’s…
-Kris. :-[

:-(

So…I blacked out today…had a scare with the possibility of diabetes…and on a sidenote, I confessed my undying “like” for someone…and then ultimately proceeded to end our sitch…it’s bad, cause I didn’t want to…but, you know me…:-( so…quickly, someone PLEASE show me where the silver lining is. I walked away because I wasn’t thirsty…I was hungry. I…found myself slipping into cookie-cutterdom…and didn’t feel like being vulnerable, or ever coming off as a “girl”…and yet, the moment stings as if I were that girl I didn’t wanna be. Heh. Would it have been easier to just start talking to other people on the side? Yes. Cause it would curb my craving. But no, cause I didn’t wanna eat anything else. With all that being said…I’ll keep tellin myself I did the right thing (even though I feel miserable)…and I’ll occupy myself with re-doing this freakin blog. So much for a sidenote…

While I’m ahead?

Not sure. But one can only be so accomodating. My languages are touch, and words of affirmation. I’ve found I do my best thinking after 2 beers. On my second beer, my level of practicality is unmatched…I had a moment of clarity last night and I decided, that while I love running through the sprinkler…and eating snow cones, and havin’ block parties…these things are truly seasonal. They’ll come every year in different forms, but every year nonetheless. So…aside I step.
As for my professional affiliations…I’m disgusted at the moment. All that glitters ain’t gold, and you can best believe our problems are common. *sighs* I’m gonna do my part, and pray on it…but really…
It’s been a long night. What have I learned?

I’m certain it’s uncertain, I’m in a lopsided house and I’m making too many excuses.

I…had wondered what it’d be like, and now I know. DoNotWant.

The highlight of my day was remembering how much I love Switchfoot though…great band.

Be back later when my writing style makes more sense than my feelings right now. :-/

:)

Lol, so…the other day, I saw them kissing…bodies pressed up against each other and I thought…”Way to climb outta the rabbit hole…”

Ugh. I went back and forth on the issue, wondering whether or not to tell her to get out while she could….or to take a chance. Some would have called me a coward, but again…Flaca [Me] never plans to fail. Vulnerability isn’t really an option for a woman like me. (Haha…a woman…heehee…LOL…I’m a Woman!) Lmao…sorry…I forget I’m a grownup sometimes.

So I sat scratchin my head, tryin to find the words to say and the time to speak up…but then I said fuck it! Lol! You know what his kisses are like? They’re like when you’re a lil kid, and you grew up without a swimming pool…but yo momma let you hook up the sprinkler and run through it!!! LOL…heart beating with excitement cause you’re “scared” of the water, and it’s cold…but the sun’s hot and you kinda just find yourself either happily chasing the streams of water or letting them chase you. If you still don’t understand…next time the ice cream truck comes…get yourself a grape popsickle. Sorry, I’m just in a good, summer-y mood.

www.markushartel.com

^^^Shot out to anyone from Philly who’s ever played in the fire hydrant water during the summer.

Extra 5 points if it was in North Philly

Extra 10 points if it was in West Philly

200 points for knowin’ your local Mr. Softee!!!

Aww Man, Amen!!!

Ha…nope. GSDM

So…I’m at work…feeling the clarity!!! Woohoo!!! I’m in a pretty good mood…especially for my weekend to have sucked balls. I thought I’d have company so I didn’t sign up to work the bar yesterday…and by the time I realized he wasn’t coming, it was too late to jump on shift…I had also thought about going to Denton to render my design for my shirt order…but I wasn’t ready to put up with any of the guys on such a sucky off day. Plus, I didn’t really have the cash to head up that way annnnd back before work today.

I guess in an effort to not seem so silly, instead of picking up KB’s cereal I got some chicken and greens…(went home and baked the chicken…it was pretty good). That whole digital cable thing kicked my ass though cause I won’t get my new TV til after Friday, and I didn’t have cable…so I watched movies and took cat naps…

Anthonie came over later…(I felt like if I said no, I’d stay around the house moping because I wasted a Sunday, but I shoulda known that by saying yes (I did) I’d be in a bad mood the whole time. He was already high when he showed up and so trying to have a conversation was futile. I KNEW he drove a good hour and half to get to my house, but as soon as he stepped foot in the house, I wanted to tell him to go home. I was just tired and annoyed…nothing really against him…we just didn’t seem to be speaking the same language cause he was so far gone. I probably was just too high strung…blah. He liked my cooking though, so…yay me. Before I could say, “If you don’t like it, there’s some Cocoa-Puffs in the kitchen” , I watched him pull the drum stick outta his mouth with NO meat left on the bone…just like in the cartoons. : ) Lol…

All in all, I think yesterday sucked cause I felt like nothing was getting accomplished (I had writer’s/designer’s block) and couldn’t figure what to do with this next skate deck. Which btw, shout out to some real skaters I ran into on the Red line…they saw my last deck and loved it. New UK fans are always good. Oh well, it’s GSDM, and I brought my art supplies to work today…fuck with me.

Lastly…the rabbit hole…I’m turnin’ around, and headed out. Not for the obvious reasons either. I know, wompage. But look on the bright side! I just took a sip from my energy drink and though I’m in a good mood now, it’s only about to be magnified by a thousand. I wish me and Mika had our own tv show, cause silliness is about to ensue. Especially since there’s new people out on the floor today, and 2 chics in particular think they’re US. Ha…[Expletive] Please!!!!

Ciao…

Excerpt

Been kinda “busy” lately…and by “busy” I mean I’ve yet to find a way to put my feelings into words without furthering my dillema…but, in the meantime, I have been looking at older entries from other blogs, and I realize that though I’ve softened up a little, I’m still a bit rough. The following excerpts can still apply to how I feel about life right this second.

November 16, 2006

“First off…I’m happy with my endeavors…happy that for the time being, folks know how to mind their business (For the most part…) Happy that when I say I was happy before you, I’m happy with you, and I’ll be happy without you, I mean it. I don’t need a nigga. Don’t need a daddy, a brother, friend, boyfriend…but I WANT you. So quit testing my ambivalence! I love how being “In a Relationship” can sometimes feel as liberating as being “Single” or as unsure as when “It’s complicated”.”

Still true. At the moment, I’ve slipped into a rabbit hole of sorts, and I’m stuck at a point deciding whether I should climb back out…or burrow my way to the the other end…I’m Tom Cruisin’ it cause this is risky business! Worth the wait? Yes. Worth the risk…hope so. *goofy grin*

Hmm.

I’m having a great hair day. And that’s about it. Oh wait, spoke too soon…I’ve got a 95% on my QA scores for the week, and just scored a 97% on my corporate calibrations. Woo-mutha-effin-hoo. Most of my bills are taken care of…and I’ll actually have some extra money at the end of the month…dunno which of my funds it’ll go to, but, it’ll be a blessing.

*Sighs* but all that aside, my mind is elsewhere. There’s a lotta things I have to adjust pretty soon to avoid disaster, and it’s a bit overwhelming. Usually my mannish approach to these kind of things would be my go-to solve-all…and yet, not this time around. Ugh…over-thinking…UGH!!! I won’t unravel my thoughts here tho, so lucky you…

Blah…be back later when I’m a bit more organized.

Post Therapy

Ha, just realized the title of this entry is a pun. But that’s neither here nor there. So, I’ve been consumed by my new favorite blog stop lately, “According to me: Learning how to fall out of love”. When I read Shannon’s blog, I can’t help but feel like I’m walking past a painted picture of a place that looks eerily familiar…

I was there. Not being able to eat, sleep, function. Always feeling like I was on the verge of being sick…not wanting to be around anyone, yet hating being alone. I was unemployed, crying in between interviews because I gave up all chances of stability while trying to preserve something that wasn’t meant for me to keep. It took me nearly 8 months to get it together. Everytime I’d get on a roll, I’d find myself ruining it for some quick fix, and then having to work twice as hard to get back where I was. I went from thinking I had to move 5 hours away from him  to finally staying  my black ass right where I was and making it to the light at the end of the tunnel. I think things took a huge turn in February when I woke up at 5am Wednesday morning to get ready to record…only to hear that my best friend had died in her sleep. It was in the days of mourning that followed that I realized that in life, there are truly more important things worth crying over.  

Eventually, I got back to “living”, and these days I’m better than ever. But, that doesn’t mean I don’t remember where I came from. This is why I find Shannon’s posts to be therapeutic. They serve as a reminder that life does go on, and you’ll make it through. I’m proof. : ) !!!