Rehab

So…I made it 2 weeks without it…I’m happy (for now, provided I don’t relapse) in a bittersweet kinda’ way. Kenny, Law and Don would be proud of me. (welcome back Don btw…words can’t express how much I missed your writing, and insightful advice.)

Non-committment was just the tip of the ice burg I soon found out. I had to give up my drug because over the last 2 months I found myself extremely insecure…to the point that I could no longer find any happiness (pause, lol…someone once pointed out that the word happiness has Penis in it) within myself. My “happiness” was once or twice a week alone at home with him while he played Madden or 2K…there were things bothering me, but where he was, I was home…and whatever problems I had were always placed on a back burner cause I couldn’t bare to have to face them. Everything was on my end, it was all MY fault. IIIII was insecure. IIIII grew deeper feelings. IIIII agreed to where we were headed (nowhere). IIIII let it go this long. I didn’t feel like having him remind me of that. Didn’t want him to show me how much he didn’t care, and how unwilling he was to change any dynamics. These were things I KNEW. But I couldn’t deal with having them spoken…so I stayed quiet.

The first week was HARD. I spent most days uneasy and sometimes even nausous. (Like the feeling you get when something bad is going to happen) it was like morning sickness…because like clock work, it was the first thing I’d think of when my eyes opened in the morning. I just wanted my best friend back.

This week…I’m more at ease…it helps not seeing him or his name as often. I get the urge to hit him up sometimes, but I know better. At this point I’m sure I wouldn’t be welcome either way. He’s all anti emotion and what-not. But it’s been cool…I’m starting to see more things for what they are, and not what I want them to be (like I used to) and it’s done me well. I love the kid, but I can’t have him dangled before me. *wipes brow* Rehab…I’mInThatThang

Orange-Orange

Okay. So. Despite my current ailment (I drank heavily this past week and my kidneys are making me pay for it…hospital visit tomorrow morning) I DID have my first Vitamin Water, Snapple Antioxident Water and SoBe Life water. SoBe Life

The official breakdown is as follows: SoBe Life Water<Snapple Antioxidant Water<Vitamin Water
Now, I’m NOT gonna tell you that I had a girl-on-girl encounter Friday night. But, I am gonna tell you that Vitamin Water’s “Orange-Orange” is what it tasted like…it’s pure heaven.

I started this entry August 2nd, so I’ll try to sum up what I was trrrrying to get into, then I’ll get into what’s been up. K, so…lately I’ve been going back and forth on whether I need consistency, discipline, traditional values, accountability and respect or spontaneity, convenience, freedom from being vulnerable, and no strings attached. My recent sitch has been a perfect example of “It is what it is, but it ain’t what it looks like”. Catch us around the house and it’s hard to convince anyone we’re not together…but we’re not. Though it lacks most of the things I usually won’t settle without, I really do enjoy lazy days of music/video games/eating like I’m in college again (fast food and unlikely combinations). I like the casual, vaguely romantic gestures. I like the comfort zone I’ve carved out. But I know it’s for nothin cause while it’s been 5 and a half months (and could go on for way longer than that) there really isn’t a “destination”. And the day someone tries to inquire about one is the day the ride stops abruptly. *Shrugs* k, that’s last weeks tangent.

Now…? Trying to plan a trip to SA before my cousins go back to philly…then…maybe a trip to Little Rock. Why? Cause (and this is for you Shannon) there’s something Strummable up there. Lol, not Jay (details on that later)…actually better. No lie…true story. If I had your email I’d send you a pic of the guitar.

Lemme see…speakin of guitars…been checkin out a lotta live music…and apparently live music has been checkin me out as well. Hmmm…that’s all for now I suppose…oh wait, here’s your bonus footage:

Met KB’s mom again (I was sober this time) while wearing an outfit that consisted of his shorts, a Sonic the Hedgehog shirt and his hoodie. She nick-named me Sybil (cause I was a LOT different sober) but the nick-nickname is “Sober Chic” Lol, I like it.

Happy for him!!!

Alright. So. I said I had somethin to say about Jay. Hopefully my blog is tucked away far enough for him to never find this one, lol. I love him to death, and wish him only the best…cause even though our past is troubled, he’s an amazing person and I’m blessed to have known him. With that said…

He'd kick my ass if he knew I referenced this pic.

 

First off, backstory…I almost quit my job, moved half-way across the world to have a lil girl with him. Lol, blunt, but we were on a mission back in the day, lmao. Here’s the summary:

I met him at work one day…didn’t take him serious…at all. He was gooooode looking, and played basketball…really well. So those were the red lights for me, lmao. Dude’s like that are either hoes, or they’re chased by a million of em. He gave me HIS number, and I dunno what I did with it…(well I knooow what I did with it, but I don’t want to say it here, lol.)

2 months later, I run into his homeboy…who was like, “You know, he looked for you at all his home games…looked out in the crowd, and you neva’ came…” :-/ Had me feelin’ all crunchy like the wicked witch of the East…and he calls Jay up right then and there to tell him he ran into me. Few days later, he “stopped by” Ahem. By stopped by, I mean he drove prolly 45 min to an hr to see me. Nothing sexual…we watched his basketball footage (He’s incredible) and just “caught up” since we never spoke after the day I met him. After a while, we started talking, his ex and mother of his children caused some static, makin’ threats about him not being able to see his boys…so I walked away. I didn’t wanna have any part in a man not being able to see his kids…especially one who is a devoted father like he is. He told me to reconsider, and that his ex had backed down…I still didn’t. We ended on bad terms…and didn’t speak or see each other for 2 years.

Ahem. But when we did, we hit the ground running…I was immediately on a plane to Atlanta to reunite with the man of my dreams…lol. There’s no need to go into detail…but I flew back to Texas glowing. I was looking forward to packing up my life, having a big belly, swollen feet, and buying pink stuff. This is the blog about that very day I headed home to say goodbye to Texas.

Anyway…I ended up not having his baby. He ended up having custody battles with the ex, it put extra stress on us, and we didn’t make it. By the time he moved back to Texas, there was nothing to salvage…I loved him, but I didn’t think we could make it work. I didn’t wanna risk getting caught up or hurt…and I had met Ant (insert dreamy music ya’ll, lol). The last time I saw Jay was last July. Won’t go into details, cause it was one of the saddest nights of my life. All I’ll say is that he promised up and down that in the time we were together and in the last 8 months, he hadn’t been with another woman. (I didn’t believe him). He wanted us to get back together, and for me to leave Ant alone. I wouldn’t…so he left. A month later, he posts pics up of his new (old gf) referring to her as his future baby mama. I got a good laugh outta that…cause had I left Ant (And we all know that’s not scientifically possible, lol) that woulda been me. Or it woulda been both of us! Lmao…I spoke to him back in January, and he tells me they were getting married, and he was expecting a baby in June. Then a month later he tells me she lost the baby. He said she was 6 months pregnant. (Yeah, do the math…count the lies.) But then…last week…She had the baby!!! I don’t even care about our past, or the lies…It’s a little girl!!! And she’s BEAUTIFUL…even fresh outta the womb!!!(You know I don’t fuck with babies til they’ve had the slime offa them for at least 3 weeks…lol!!! Most babies come out lookin like gargoyles and I don’t play that shit…but, she’s gorgeous. I don’t even care he was trife as hell…I’m glad he finally got the little girl we wanted…and looking at his track record, it’s for the best that I wasn’t the one to give it to him. But I’m happy. Genuinely happy…and hope he continues to be blessed with his new family, and his basketball franchise he just bought. *Chuckles* I’m an awesome ex. I guess I didn’t have to type all this out to just say that whenever I read Shannon’s blogs about the little girl she didn’t get to have…I think about ‘07. We’ll have our own with real Prince Charmings, lol, someday, I’m certain of it.

p.s. Shannon if you’re reading, hover your mouse over your name. LOL

Toodles!!!

:)

Lol, so…the other day, I saw them kissing…bodies pressed up against each other and I thought…”Way to climb outta the rabbit hole…”

Ugh. I went back and forth on the issue, wondering whether or not to tell her to get out while she could….or to take a chance. Some would have called me a coward, but again…Flaca [Me] never plans to fail. Vulnerability isn’t really an option for a woman like me. (Haha…a woman…heehee…LOL…I’m a Woman!) Lmao…sorry…I forget I’m a grownup sometimes.

So I sat scratchin my head, tryin to find the words to say and the time to speak up…but then I said fuck it! Lol! You know what his kisses are like? They’re like when you’re a lil kid, and you grew up without a swimming pool…but yo momma let you hook up the sprinkler and run through it!!! LOL…heart beating with excitement cause you’re “scared” of the water, and it’s cold…but the sun’s hot and you kinda just find yourself either happily chasing the streams of water or letting them chase you. If you still don’t understand…next time the ice cream truck comes…get yourself a grape popsickle. Sorry, I’m just in a good, summer-y mood.

www.markushartel.com

^^^Shot out to anyone from Philly who’s ever played in the fire hydrant water during the summer.

Extra 5 points if it was in North Philly

Extra 10 points if it was in West Philly

200 points for knowin’ your local Mr. Softee!!!

Aww Man, Amen!!!

Ha…nope. GSDM

So…I’m at work…feeling the clarity!!! Woohoo!!! I’m in a pretty good mood…especially for my weekend to have sucked balls. I thought I’d have company so I didn’t sign up to work the bar yesterday…and by the time I realized he wasn’t coming, it was too late to jump on shift…I had also thought about going to Denton to render my design for my shirt order…but I wasn’t ready to put up with any of the guys on such a sucky off day. Plus, I didn’t really have the cash to head up that way annnnd back before work today.

I guess in an effort to not seem so silly, instead of picking up KB’s cereal I got some chicken and greens…(went home and baked the chicken…it was pretty good). That whole digital cable thing kicked my ass though cause I won’t get my new TV til after Friday, and I didn’t have cable…so I watched movies and took cat naps…

Anthonie came over later…(I felt like if I said no, I’d stay around the house moping because I wasted a Sunday, but I shoulda known that by saying yes (I did) I’d be in a bad mood the whole time. He was already high when he showed up and so trying to have a conversation was futile. I KNEW he drove a good hour and half to get to my house, but as soon as he stepped foot in the house, I wanted to tell him to go home. I was just tired and annoyed…nothing really against him…we just didn’t seem to be speaking the same language cause he was so far gone. I probably was just too high strung…blah. He liked my cooking though, so…yay me. Before I could say, “If you don’t like it, there’s some Cocoa-Puffs in the kitchen” , I watched him pull the drum stick outta his mouth with NO meat left on the bone…just like in the cartoons. : ) Lol…

All in all, I think yesterday sucked cause I felt like nothing was getting accomplished (I had writer’s/designer’s block) and couldn’t figure what to do with this next skate deck. Which btw, shout out to some real skaters I ran into on the Red line…they saw my last deck and loved it. New UK fans are always good. Oh well, it’s GSDM, and I brought my art supplies to work today…fuck with me.

Lastly…the rabbit hole…I’m turnin’ around, and headed out. Not for the obvious reasons either. I know, wompage. But look on the bright side! I just took a sip from my energy drink and though I’m in a good mood now, it’s only about to be magnified by a thousand. I wish me and Mika had our own tv show, cause silliness is about to ensue. Especially since there’s new people out on the floor today, and 2 chics in particular think they’re US. Ha…[Expletive] Please!!!!

Ciao…

stupid ass bowling alley socks

I’m so pissed I can barely see straight. I walked around in them alllll fuckin day…they’re the only ankle socks that stay put when I wear them with hightop sneakers…
And all day I thought about where they came from, the night I got em, how foolish I had been…
There is a 6 mile chunk of 635 in Dallas that I shut my eyes and refuse to look at from the passenger seat of ANY vehicle. And if I’m driving? Best believe I take 75 instead. It tastes like a busted lip…
I’m not sure if I’m upset that I have to start all over again from yesterday, or if I’m bothered with the fact that I may have solved the problem for good. I DO know that it took seeing her again for all this to re-surface. I don’t think I’ve ever hated anyone more than her. Ever. Not Hitler, not Kevin Bacon…nobody. And that bugs me! Cause…she’s not worth it. I know this cause I had forgotten she existed til today.
I had it right about a month ago, and now due to my lack of discipline, I gotta wait til MARCH! Gimme a fuckin break already!!!
I wish my mom was here right this second. I’d cry, and cry, and cryyyyyyy, and then laugh and say, “I know, this is stupid” and we’d prolly go shopping or she’d give me a box full of designer shoes hot off the runway. Shoes that don’t require socks, and if they do, you’d never think to wear bowling alley socks with them anyway. They’re much too good for that.

2 days after Thanksgiving, I called my mom to wish her a happy one. I explained my tardiness, and after she got me all worked up about it, she challenged me to just start back writing. I told her I couldn’t, cause I had absolutely no desire to…but here we are at the end of an entry that feels like it was written on a piece of sandpaper. And I’m relieved.
Goodnight.

So it’s agreed. It’s a greed (That’s my creed)

Everyone was saying it, and it took me til today to finally agree with them.

Let’s be 23 about the situation.

A lie is a lie is a lie…unless you tell everyone…in which case it becomes a common belief. Why a sheep would wanna wear WOLVE’S clothing is beyond me…major shoulder shruggage on that one.

In response to an AKA probate on campus, a funny Delta once said, “Hey ya’ll…guess what happened today in the union at about 2 o’clock?”

 Everyone of course asked, “What?”

She responded, “Not a damn thang” and walked off.

This is how I feel when I do a recap on just about ANYTHING these days. It makes me wonder why the f*** I put so much emphasis on situations that were blatantly not deserving. For the first time in a LONG time, I experienced RAW anger yesterday. I was angry to the point of not being able to blog it…which is rare for me. I just had a permanent fist…ready to molly-whop anyone in my path. I could barely contain myself, and as I sat rigid in my computer chair, I thought to myself, “This is what slashed tires, keyed cars and baby mama’s are made of”. Of course it’s not what I’m made of, so I got over it. “Life is short and black and white, like little penguins…”

But seriously though…I’ll turn 23 in 10 days. Back when I turned 21, I said, “I’m 21. Not fresh-faced 18, not a wet n wild-child 19, not an ambivalent 20 year old…a grown ass, graceful, strong, intelligent, witty–I ain’t gotta tell you!!! Lol…”

And now I’ll say the same…and add that at 22, I was all the above. Well, minus the ambivalence, cause I knew what I wanted, when I wanted it, and if you couldn’t give it to me, you got dismissed and made fun of over sushi with friends.

At 23…I hope know I’ll be better than ever. My most recent mantra has been that “I can only do better”, and it’s the truth. I have a lot of stuff to work on…lots of projects I had put aside. As for friendships and relationships…this is where I’d remind the audience that some people are strictly seasonal…but I think if one were just bored outta their mind and ever just READ me, they’d pick up on that after the first few entries. What I WILL say, is that all my interactions with people (even those that appear to be a COMPLETE waste of time and bloggery) have been precious gifts because whether good or bad, they strengthened my relationship with J. Christ. Oh you know him too? That’s awesome.

The last time I blogged, I said I wouldn’t be here for a while, because of the only part that mattered…but, now I’ll just say I love you, take your time…and that whatever it is will be there when you finish, whether it was there before, it’s there now, or it’s something else completely.

This isn’t really my “How Saela got her groove back” entry…I’m just glad to be back at work and moving in a positive direction. Yesterday I was pissed because on my emotional conveyor belt, I moved the material from “sadness” to “anger” and then the machine broke down before it made it to indifference. By the time I left work today, I had fixed the machine, flipped the switch, and oila…we have a perfectly assembled and sealed package of “what were we packaging again?”

Lastly, (I know ya’ll are like, stfu already!!!) Lupe’s coming on Wednesday!!!  It’ll be my 4th time seeing him…Our “seats” aren’t that exciting cause I’ve never gone to see him without being in hug/handshake range…but, he said if he has time, we (the UK _________) will get to hang out either before or after. Here’s my logic. He’s gotta propose eventually…4’s the charm, right???

Um…advice please???

So…I just KNEW this couldn’t be easy. I couldn’t just ride off into the sunset and forget everything when I started my new life. Lol, I don’t always understand, but I have to admire the way the Lord keeps me guessing. I had a good interview today with  (1) …and then I got a call for an interview with (2) tomorrow. A few minutes ago I got a call back from (3). So, the first interview didn’t waiver my decision so much…maybe because it’s the least definite. Like, it’s highly likely, but the chances to advance are limited, even if the starting pay is good. The 2nd interview for tomorrow pricked my ears up, because I’m familiar with it. It’s like, even though I said I didn’t wanna go back into jewelry, the pay would be good, and it would definitely be a step up from all my other jewelry experiences. Lastly, the job I interviewed for a MONTH AND A HALF AGO through an agency never got in touch with me through the agency. So last week (prior to my decision to move) I just walked into the office, and applied directly, like, “eff the agency”. They called today, andI’ll be in the hot seat tomorrow. This position is what has me second-guessing the move, because it would put my finances back where they were (actually, I’d be better off) and I’d only work 3 days a week. Add to that the fact that the office is wayyyyy more professional than the place I tried out a few weeks ago. It didn’t look like a room full of high school students, nobody looked like a drug dealer, and everyone seemed to be happy. I talked to Mr. Strike 3 about it, cause even tho he’s done his dirt in the past, our friendship has been through a lot of repair lately. None of what he did was dismissible, but we can at least be on speaking terms. He’s really grown up…talk about employee of the month (Lol, yeah, we talkin’ about Him.) We both figured I should cross each bridge when approached with it. All my chances seem good, especially the last two positions, but it’s still to be seen. Now, all this job talk doesn’t fix the underlying reason for leaving in the first place, but my feelings about that are for another entry. I dunno if I’m supposed to talk to my heart about it…because we don’t talk about anything anymore, and I don’t wanna be all *dramatic music plays* A broken record at that…so…it’s in God’s hands…just like everything else in this world. I still have packing to do so…later alligators…and people.

Okay, Go.

So…I decided to move back to SA with Val and the kids. I’ve come to similar conclusions in the past, but never followed through with them because I either got some sort of job advance, or ran off on some romantic rendevouz. But this time around, neither is possible…I’m outta here as soon as my lease is up. I can’t stand San Antonio, but I know that alone will be distraction enough for me. I’ll have my God children…Val, her family and my little sister to keep me grounded…I’ll be back around my hs sweetheart’s mom…aka…MY MOM…and their family. I’ll eventually have work, a new car and a clean start. As great as all that is, it’s really just me tryin to psyche myself into wanting to go…and it’s no consulation for what I feel I lost.

Val’s happy though…and…I know everyone else down there will be. It’s gonna be good. I’ll stop sayin’ I hate SA, and try to get used to the idea of living around the corner from my folks (Bleh). I won’t miss any of my sister’s games or meets…I’ll be able to run in the neighborhood without interuption from dudes or bullets…I’ll…*Sighs*

My heart (The one with arms and legs and a headband) thinks it’s a drastic decision…and the heart in my chest (virtually the same as the one with limbs) agrees. And it’s crazy…because it’s the drastic decisions that I made in preservation of what I had that put me in this position. What’s the lesson? Me first. Me second. Me Third, Forth, Fifth, Sixth, and so on. Love really is for the birds. Chirp-chirp…   This whole cycle where everyone “gets it” after 2 years stops now. That “one who got away” crap is starting to get on my last nerve. I’m good on that…trust me, I’m not it. Usually I’m the hard ass who sticks it out, cause stuff like this builds character yadda-yadda-yadda…but this time around the towel is thrown in and the white flag raised. Let me know when there’s a sale on time machines. Lol, I feel like a martyr. I promise the next blog will be about sunshine, puppies, and all that good stuff.

Please, have a seat.

This poem came about today when I realized I had a guest. It’s dripped in spite, but, it’s less personal than you would think. It’s an all-inclusive lecture (to several people, annnnd myself…) It’s how I was feeling on the way home today. Lastly, it was sparked by my decision to move back to San Antonio.

You’re not welcome,
But you’re welcome…
I mean, thank you
For joining us,
I mean, joining them.
Hall of Fame of No-Names
With plenty game and no shame.
Pretty lame…
If you think about it,
Hope you thought about it,
Hope you nod about it,
Talk to God about it,
Happy shout about it,
And can do without it,
Cause it’s good to be,
Too good to be,
(What you were to me…)
But best you be
Free,
To have two,
Or three…
To half you and me.

And I’m happy for you,
Not exactly for you,
I’ll be back before you
With my back before you…

Call me Ullyse and you Arliss

Than your excuses.

Future tales of more you’s,
Lessons with more use,
and less to lose.
Cause I refuse
(I fuse, and then I fuse again)
To be con-fused
With Beneficial Friends.
(Ctrl alt delete-ends. )

Sometimes I have to lose to win.

*Hit Send*