Birthday Revelation

I’m typing this miles up in the sky…on my connector flight from Charlotte (spent 3 days in Cleveland) back to Dallas. My birthday is in a few hours. I’m gonna press my words now, and then forget about them for tomorrow. A beautiful woman is growing more beautiful, wise and mature by the day, and tomorrow we’re gonna celebrate that.
But, simply put, I deserve soooooo much more…and this whole lop-sided deal where I ACT like I don’t know my worth ends now. I’m tired of acting like Rose in the Joy Luck Club…putting someone else’s love on a pedestal, like it’s worth more than mine…when nothing could be further from the truth. My love is patient and understanding. I’m fully aware that where I’m at right now is completely my own fault. I wanted to give the benefit of the doubt, and even more than that, I got comfortable. I put on my “Noh” smile, hid feelings, and took what I was given without questioning it. But that’s done. I’m going home and getting my house in order. I’m dolling myself up for ME, going out on dates, cooking and getting appreciated. I wanna go out, I wanna stay in…I wanna not feel tied down to nothingness. Trust me, this isn’t an entry to bash him…he’s a brilliant person…one of my favorite in the whole world. But I can’t make excuses for my actions anymore…

So now…selecting sweaters for fall and winter. If I’m lucky I’ll just find one perfect coat that goes with everything. been window-shoppin my ass off lately!!!
*waves @ Kenny and Law* Thanks for the ears and lectures. I’m good!

Happy Birthday to who? Meeeeee!!!

My off day

So…yesterday was my off day…went over KB’s and lounged around…takin’ cat naps and what-not…watched a shit-load of the Boondocks…lol.

Here are some recent observations…

1.) It doesn’t have to smell like laundry, cologne, soap, etc…but just a man’s scent in general (not just any man of course, lol) is this crazy mix of “turn on, comfort and safety.”

2.) We write hard…talk soft…act softer.

3.) I’m more giving than I’d like to admit.

4.) Secret turn on…whispering ANYTHING in my ear. “I really enjoy cheeseburgers”…”Did you remember to turn off the iron?”…”Can you help me do laundry on Saturday?” Yes, ANYTHING. Lol…it can get downright silly at times…what’s wrong with me???

Uhhh’s, so I get a call from Biggers, and I’m thinkin it’s gonna be on some hardcore serious-business isht…(I kinda cringed before I answered cause I was sooooo comfortable and at ease). But…he was calling to tell me my skate deck is featured on the LupEnd Blog. I’d say it was the highlight of my day…but…my whole day was kind of a highlight cause I spent it with one of my favorite people on a futon, eatin’ chips, drinkin’ happy hour jumbo fountain drinks and watchin’ cartoons. I know you’re like “Wtf?” Lol, don’t take much to make me happy. But I digress…I was totally stoked that they decided to post it…it’s kind of a big deal cause everyone knows I love all things Fiasco. 

What elsers? This is the third day in a row I’ve been in contact with Jay (AKA Mr. Abs to you Shannon, lol) and I’m kinda like, “Niiiiice…ooops…huh?” It’s just small talk, and wouldn’t be a big deal if we’d always been in touch. I dunno…I think about him and feel shy. *Hmm*

Heh. No matter. Really just stopped by to say I’m thankful for my lazy day in yesterday. Looking forward to the next.

Shhh…I stealz deh babeh pick chuhs.

Baby Jayliciah

Simply Beautiful

Jay and his newest little one

Lol, he just gon’ hafta be mad at me for sharing these. (Stole em from his facebook, lol) Speaking of, he called today as I was getting ready for work. All’s well for him, and like I said before, I couldn’t be happier. These were my fave pics from the album cause of the way he’s looking at her. *Cheesy grin* I love it!

Her name is Jayliciah Marie, and I’m here to tell you right now, had it been me, and she haaaaaad to have his name in there somewhere, it would have been “Jaela” (You heard me, not Jayla like he’d try to do) Lol, again, all kinds of congrats cause she’s freakin a. dor. able.

Ciao Babeh!

Lupe Fiasco inspired skate deck.

Okay, so for those of you that DON’T know, I’ve been in Love with Lu prolly since before he was featurin’ on Tha Rayne’s songs (btw, though nobody knows who they are…I loved them…Yummy Bingham is the truth!) Anyways…not gonna gush on him, cause if you love Hip Hop, Rock, Pop, Fashion or any nerdy shit, you can pick up what he’s puttin’ down. (Haha…I stole that from Prince Vince Blade Brown…lol) Anyway…I’d call Lupe a genius, but…it’s takin him entirely too long to ask for my hand in marriage. Lu…whatchu waitin’ on?!

: ) Enter the first official “Chic” deck from Unkommon Kolor…

I love Lupe Fiasco!Details, Details...

Details, Details...

My first custom deck…engraved with a woodburner, stained, and handpainted by my alter ego (Pretty Flaca DiBaca). My tribute to the man of my dreams and one one of the songs that put him on the rest of the word’s radar, “Kick Push”.

“…Now let me make one thing clear, I don’t need to ride yours, I got mine right here…”

A quote I live by : ). You can check this and other Fly Shit out at Unkommon Kolor.

Peace…F&F^

: ) !!!

So…though I completely winged this weekend, I did it well. Friday…open mic poetry…I had a BLAST. Performed twice (I did “Love May King” and “Other Women, Other Woman“) got some great feedback…I really just have to work on my nerves. Either way…GREAT night. I heard 3 of THE most talented R&B Soul artists live and under one roof. Quentin Dyer Moore, John Bailey and Archie Robinson. OMG. Okay, Yeah, Q is my friend…but dude is TALENTED. He recently released an album, and if I can figure out how to link to all his stuff, I’ll do so later. Archie and John were COMPLETE surprises…I had never met either of them, and while I had heard of John, I’d never heard him live. Each of them performed individually…KILLED IT. Then they came back up for a collabo…I’m here to tell you right now…there was nothing more beautiful than three SEXY, TALENTED, CHOCOLATE LOCAL artists performing…the only way I can explain the music they made (keep in mind it was pretty much all improvised!!!) is to say that I was starving and didn’t even know it! Then their voices fed me. It was like something was poured over me…I was definitely in a trance. Whatever voo-doo they did…it’s rekindled my love for the Dallas music scene.  Again, I’ll try to come back and link to these artists I was so blessed to meet and perform amongst…but I will say, there’s no youtube vid or online snippet that will be able to give you an idea of how I felt in their presence…there’s nothing like being right there to hear the richness of their voices, and the music…omg. Alright, I’m done…sort of…

Speaking of Good local music…(soon to be all over the world music) The Sore Losers had a GREAT show Saturday night…check out the pics here : ) *goofy grin* That King Blue guy is rather handsome…Vince did his thing…even with those retched tube socks. :-/ Lol, so…shot out to KB, Prince Vince, Fizzy Dino Pop, Damaged Good$ and Steven “Wreckamic” Mullin for bein’ the DOPEST Storm Trooper to ever grace the stage. (Check the pics…he was doin the Stanky Legg…need I say more?!)

*Shrugs* All in all…it was a good night…I got to be around some of my favorite people…hear some of my favorite music, and probably add to some of my favorite memories.

I’ll leave with a few things I observed…

1.) There’s something utterly magical about sexy panties…they scream, “Touch me…” without even being seen. 

2.) My little purple dress (or any simple dress I throw on for that matter) can whoop your little black dress’s ass!!!

3.) Eyes…arms…get lost in em.

Ciao!

Happy for him!!!

Alright. So. I said I had somethin to say about Jay. Hopefully my blog is tucked away far enough for him to never find this one, lol. I love him to death, and wish him only the best…cause even though our past is troubled, he’s an amazing person and I’m blessed to have known him. With that said…

He'd kick my ass if he knew I referenced this pic.

 

First off, backstory…I almost quit my job, moved half-way across the world to have a lil girl with him. Lol, blunt, but we were on a mission back in the day, lmao. Here’s the summary:

I met him at work one day…didn’t take him serious…at all. He was gooooode looking, and played basketball…really well. So those were the red lights for me, lmao. Dude’s like that are either hoes, or they’re chased by a million of em. He gave me HIS number, and I dunno what I did with it…(well I knooow what I did with it, but I don’t want to say it here, lol.)

2 months later, I run into his homeboy…who was like, “You know, he looked for you at all his home games…looked out in the crowd, and you neva’ came…” :-/ Had me feelin’ all crunchy like the wicked witch of the East…and he calls Jay up right then and there to tell him he ran into me. Few days later, he “stopped by” Ahem. By stopped by, I mean he drove prolly 45 min to an hr to see me. Nothing sexual…we watched his basketball footage (He’s incredible) and just “caught up” since we never spoke after the day I met him. After a while, we started talking, his ex and mother of his children caused some static, makin’ threats about him not being able to see his boys…so I walked away. I didn’t wanna have any part in a man not being able to see his kids…especially one who is a devoted father like he is. He told me to reconsider, and that his ex had backed down…I still didn’t. We ended on bad terms…and didn’t speak or see each other for 2 years.

Ahem. But when we did, we hit the ground running…I was immediately on a plane to Atlanta to reunite with the man of my dreams…lol. There’s no need to go into detail…but I flew back to Texas glowing. I was looking forward to packing up my life, having a big belly, swollen feet, and buying pink stuff. This is the blog about that very day I headed home to say goodbye to Texas.

Anyway…I ended up not having his baby. He ended up having custody battles with the ex, it put extra stress on us, and we didn’t make it. By the time he moved back to Texas, there was nothing to salvage…I loved him, but I didn’t think we could make it work. I didn’t wanna risk getting caught up or hurt…and I had met Ant (insert dreamy music ya’ll, lol). The last time I saw Jay was last July. Won’t go into details, cause it was one of the saddest nights of my life. All I’ll say is that he promised up and down that in the time we were together and in the last 8 months, he hadn’t been with another woman. (I didn’t believe him). He wanted us to get back together, and for me to leave Ant alone. I wouldn’t…so he left. A month later, he posts pics up of his new (old gf) referring to her as his future baby mama. I got a good laugh outta that…cause had I left Ant (And we all know that’s not scientifically possible, lol) that woulda been me. Or it woulda been both of us! Lmao…I spoke to him back in January, and he tells me they were getting married, and he was expecting a baby in June. Then a month later he tells me she lost the baby. He said she was 6 months pregnant. (Yeah, do the math…count the lies.) But then…last week…She had the baby!!! I don’t even care about our past, or the lies…It’s a little girl!!! And she’s BEAUTIFUL…even fresh outta the womb!!!(You know I don’t fuck with babies til they’ve had the slime offa them for at least 3 weeks…lol!!! Most babies come out lookin like gargoyles and I don’t play that shit…but, she’s gorgeous. I don’t even care he was trife as hell…I’m glad he finally got the little girl we wanted…and looking at his track record, it’s for the best that I wasn’t the one to give it to him. But I’m happy. Genuinely happy…and hope he continues to be blessed with his new family, and his basketball franchise he just bought. *Chuckles* I’m an awesome ex. I guess I didn’t have to type all this out to just say that whenever I read Shannon’s blogs about the little girl she didn’t get to have…I think about ‘07. We’ll have our own with real Prince Charmings, lol, someday, I’m certain of it.

p.s. Shannon if you’re reading, hover your mouse over your name. LOL

Toodles!!!

Google Me, Baby!

Lol…so I was havin’ this “I’m hungry but too on edge to eat, What if I really doooo have the diabeetus, I miss KB, prolly should call my Madre and touch bases, Everyone buy a shirt, no I’m not crying!!! (But I really am)” Day, and I thought I’d just curl up and dieeeee!!! LOL vvvvvthat’s how I looked!!!

Punky and Breezy

Last night my Ant Bite texted me…lol, *crowd goes aww* I hope things are looking up for him.

*Pause!!!* While we’re on ex’s, REMIND ME TO TELL YOU BOUT JAY. Omg…

Okay. So today…I see Leslie and just wanna cry in her lap. But…I had a million things to do at my desk, so I just kept leanin back to keep the tears in. Even though it’s Mika’s day off, I was bummed not havin’ her here cause I know she’s never comin’ backkkkk….:( Damn son…

As far as Mr. Feet-Sweeper-Offer, in search of peace, I said my piece…and we’ll see what happens.

But so yeah…I googled myself at my desk. I’m not vain…but I do it every few weeks or so. (It’s fun because I’m like the only “Krisaela” in the world…there’s another, but I think it’s a dude in the Phillipines…) Anyway…I got the normal stuff (Blogs, Unkommon Kolor, Poetry, Track Meet results from way back when…but then…I clicked this…and it Made. My. Day. LOL…it’s like, 2 years old…but the compliments made me all warm and fuzzy inside. I never read them til today. I remember that shoot with my bestie, but not the comments on the pic. Hell, I didn’t think much of the fact that I was in the pic…I was quicker to brag on HIS skills…cause he’s freakin amazing. *Sighs* I see him enough, but I miss him. Like, I miss him 2 years ago. Sip on that…

:)

Lol, so…the other day, I saw them kissing…bodies pressed up against each other and I thought…”Way to climb outta the rabbit hole…”

Ugh. I went back and forth on the issue, wondering whether or not to tell her to get out while she could….or to take a chance. Some would have called me a coward, but again…Flaca [Me] never plans to fail. Vulnerability isn’t really an option for a woman like me. (Haha…a woman…heehee…LOL…I’m a Woman!) Lmao…sorry…I forget I’m a grownup sometimes.

So I sat scratchin my head, tryin to find the words to say and the time to speak up…but then I said fuck it! Lol! You know what his kisses are like? They’re like when you’re a lil kid, and you grew up without a swimming pool…but yo momma let you hook up the sprinkler and run through it!!! LOL…heart beating with excitement cause you’re “scared” of the water, and it’s cold…but the sun’s hot and you kinda just find yourself either happily chasing the streams of water or letting them chase you. If you still don’t understand…next time the ice cream truck comes…get yourself a grape popsickle. Sorry, I’m just in a good, summer-y mood.

www.markushartel.com

^^^Shot out to anyone from Philly who’s ever played in the fire hydrant water during the summer.

Extra 5 points if it was in North Philly

Extra 10 points if it was in West Philly

200 points for knowin’ your local Mr. Softee!!!

Aww Man, Amen!!!

Excerpt

Been kinda “busy” lately…and by “busy” I mean I’ve yet to find a way to put my feelings into words without furthering my dillema…but, in the meantime, I have been looking at older entries from other blogs, and I realize that though I’ve softened up a little, I’m still a bit rough. The following excerpts can still apply to how I feel about life right this second.

November 16, 2006

“First off…I’m happy with my endeavors…happy that for the time being, folks know how to mind their business (For the most part…) Happy that when I say I was happy before you, I’m happy with you, and I’ll be happy without you, I mean it. I don’t need a nigga. Don’t need a daddy, a brother, friend, boyfriend…but I WANT you. So quit testing my ambivalence! I love how being “In a Relationship” can sometimes feel as liberating as being “Single” or as unsure as when “It’s complicated”.”

Still true. At the moment, I’ve slipped into a rabbit hole of sorts, and I’m stuck at a point deciding whether I should climb back out…or burrow my way to the the other end…I’m Tom Cruisin’ it cause this is risky business! Worth the wait? Yes. Worth the risk…hope so. *goofy grin*

Hmm.

Post Therapy

Ha, just realized the title of this entry is a pun. But that’s neither here nor there. So, I’ve been consumed by my new favorite blog stop lately, “According to me: Learning how to fall out of love”. When I read Shannon’s blog, I can’t help but feel like I’m walking past a painted picture of a place that looks eerily familiar…

I was there. Not being able to eat, sleep, function. Always feeling like I was on the verge of being sick…not wanting to be around anyone, yet hating being alone. I was unemployed, crying in between interviews because I gave up all chances of stability while trying to preserve something that wasn’t meant for me to keep. It took me nearly 8 months to get it together. Everytime I’d get on a roll, I’d find myself ruining it for some quick fix, and then having to work twice as hard to get back where I was. I went from thinking I had to move 5 hours away from him  to finally staying  my black ass right where I was and making it to the light at the end of the tunnel. I think things took a huge turn in February when I woke up at 5am Wednesday morning to get ready to record…only to hear that my best friend had died in her sleep. It was in the days of mourning that followed that I realized that in life, there are truly more important things worth crying over.  

Eventually, I got back to “living”, and these days I’m better than ever. But, that doesn’t mean I don’t remember where I came from. This is why I find Shannon’s posts to be therapeutic. They serve as a reminder that life does go on, and you’ll make it through. I’m proof. : ) !!!