Birthday Revelation

I’m typing this miles up in the sky…on my connector flight from Charlotte (spent 3 days in Cleveland) back to Dallas. My birthday is in a few hours. I’m gonna press my words now, and then forget about them for tomorrow. A beautiful woman is growing more beautiful, wise and mature by the day, and tomorrow we’re gonna celebrate that.
But, simply put, I deserve soooooo much more…and this whole lop-sided deal where I ACT like I don’t know my worth ends now. I’m tired of acting like Rose in the Joy Luck Club…putting someone else’s love on a pedestal, like it’s worth more than mine…when nothing could be further from the truth. My love is patient and understanding. I’m fully aware that where I’m at right now is completely my own fault. I wanted to give the benefit of the doubt, and even more than that, I got comfortable. I put on my “Noh” smile, hid feelings, and took what I was given without questioning it. But that’s done. I’m going home and getting my house in order. I’m dolling myself up for ME, going out on dates, cooking and getting appreciated. I wanna go out, I wanna stay in…I wanna not feel tied down to nothingness. Trust me, this isn’t an entry to bash him…he’s a brilliant person…one of my favorite in the whole world. But I can’t make excuses for my actions anymore…

So now…selecting sweaters for fall and winter. If I’m lucky I’ll just find one perfect coat that goes with everything. been window-shoppin my ass off lately!!!
*waves @ Kenny and Law* Thanks for the ears and lectures. I’m good!

Happy Birthday to who? Meeeeee!!!

My off day

So…yesterday was my off day…went over KB’s and lounged around…takin’ cat naps and what-not…watched a shit-load of the Boondocks…lol.

Here are some recent observations…

1.) It doesn’t have to smell like laundry, cologne, soap, etc…but just a man’s scent in general (not just any man of course, lol) is this crazy mix of “turn on, comfort and safety.”

2.) We write hard…talk soft…act softer.

3.) I’m more giving than I’d like to admit.

4.) Secret turn on…whispering ANYTHING in my ear. “I really enjoy cheeseburgers”…”Did you remember to turn off the iron?”…”Can you help me do laundry on Saturday?” Yes, ANYTHING. Lol…it can get downright silly at times…what’s wrong with me???

Uhhh’s, so I get a call from Biggers, and I’m thinkin it’s gonna be on some hardcore serious-business isht…(I kinda cringed before I answered cause I was sooooo comfortable and at ease). But…he was calling to tell me my skate deck is featured on the LupEnd Blog. I’d say it was the highlight of my day…but…my whole day was kind of a highlight cause I spent it with one of my favorite people on a futon, eatin’ chips, drinkin’ happy hour jumbo fountain drinks and watchin’ cartoons. I know you’re like “Wtf?” Lol, don’t take much to make me happy. But I digress…I was totally stoked that they decided to post it…it’s kind of a big deal cause everyone knows I love all things Fiasco. 

What elsers? This is the third day in a row I’ve been in contact with Jay (AKA Mr. Abs to you Shannon, lol) and I’m kinda like, “Niiiiice…ooops…huh?” It’s just small talk, and wouldn’t be a big deal if we’d always been in touch. I dunno…I think about him and feel shy. *Hmm*

Heh. No matter. Really just stopped by to say I’m thankful for my lazy day in yesterday. Looking forward to the next.

Shhh…I stealz deh babeh pick chuhs.

Baby Jayliciah

Simply Beautiful

Jay and his newest little one

Lol, he just gon’ hafta be mad at me for sharing these. (Stole em from his facebook, lol) Speaking of, he called today as I was getting ready for work. All’s well for him, and like I said before, I couldn’t be happier. These were my fave pics from the album cause of the way he’s looking at her. *Cheesy grin* I love it!

Her name is Jayliciah Marie, and I’m here to tell you right now, had it been me, and she haaaaaad to have his name in there somewhere, it would have been “Jaela” (You heard me, not Jayla like he’d try to do) Lol, again, all kinds of congrats cause she’s freakin a. dor. able.

Ciao Babeh!

Chase

So, I’ve lived in my North Dallas neighborhood for nearly 3 years. Not much has changed accept there’s more cops, less violence, and I get slightly less attention than I did when I was new. I say less, because when I first moved out here, I was TERRIFIED to leave the house during the day. I’d get so much unwanted attention it was scary. Guys following me for blocks, or tryin to trap me with their vehicle in a dead end, etc. It got to the point where I’d only walk down the street after 11pm. Cause at night, in my pajamas, it’s harder to see what I look like. People are less likely to bother me cause I could be a crack-head, a hooker, a guy… Whatever. Well, out of all the guy’s cars that slowed down over the years, there’s one guy that I was always polite (though short) with. In all of our run-ins, He’s never honked at me (my pet peeve). He always rides alongside me, trying to convince me that “today’s the day…” Lol. He’s parked and walked with me a few times, and while I admired his “I’m tryin to come correct” approach, it still didn’t get him far. His name is Chase, and he strikes me as a soft-spoken, square Ryan Leslie. Yesterday, he saw me at the shopping center near my apts. He quickly parked his Hummer, and followed me into where else? The beauty supply store. Lol, he dared to go where no straight man dares to gooooo…lol. I couldn’t find what I wanted, so we went next door to another store where I did. (Cleaning gloves) he then grabbed my hand (bold, right?!) And for some reason I spared his life (anybody knows that I’m quick to pull out the mace and/or a blade). He opened up the passenger side of his truck and gave me a ride back home (2 min away). We talked, and after nearly 3 years of politely turning him down, I gave him my number. Not cause I wanna date anyone…hell, after this week, I’m so burnt out on “liking” someone, I don’t know when I’ll come back down off the shelf. It’s not like getting back up on the horse…it’s more like climbing onto a talllll giraffe…oh well. I’ve got a 3 day weekend, and my prior plans are ruined so…
But I digress. I gave him my number “because”. And because had I not, I feel like Karma woulda sent another asshole along to teach me a lesson. Heh…hope this week ends well. I really wish Ant coulda came to open mic last night. *fighting a smile* I remember him being quite the poet.

Happy for him!!!

Alright. So. I said I had somethin to say about Jay. Hopefully my blog is tucked away far enough for him to never find this one, lol. I love him to death, and wish him only the best…cause even though our past is troubled, he’s an amazing person and I’m blessed to have known him. With that said…

He'd kick my ass if he knew I referenced this pic.

 

First off, backstory…I almost quit my job, moved half-way across the world to have a lil girl with him. Lol, blunt, but we were on a mission back in the day, lmao. Here’s the summary:

I met him at work one day…didn’t take him serious…at all. He was gooooode looking, and played basketball…really well. So those were the red lights for me, lmao. Dude’s like that are either hoes, or they’re chased by a million of em. He gave me HIS number, and I dunno what I did with it…(well I knooow what I did with it, but I don’t want to say it here, lol.)

2 months later, I run into his homeboy…who was like, “You know, he looked for you at all his home games…looked out in the crowd, and you neva’ came…” :-/ Had me feelin’ all crunchy like the wicked witch of the East…and he calls Jay up right then and there to tell him he ran into me. Few days later, he “stopped by” Ahem. By stopped by, I mean he drove prolly 45 min to an hr to see me. Nothing sexual…we watched his basketball footage (He’s incredible) and just “caught up” since we never spoke after the day I met him. After a while, we started talking, his ex and mother of his children caused some static, makin’ threats about him not being able to see his boys…so I walked away. I didn’t wanna have any part in a man not being able to see his kids…especially one who is a devoted father like he is. He told me to reconsider, and that his ex had backed down…I still didn’t. We ended on bad terms…and didn’t speak or see each other for 2 years.

Ahem. But when we did, we hit the ground running…I was immediately on a plane to Atlanta to reunite with the man of my dreams…lol. There’s no need to go into detail…but I flew back to Texas glowing. I was looking forward to packing up my life, having a big belly, swollen feet, and buying pink stuff. This is the blog about that very day I headed home to say goodbye to Texas.

Anyway…I ended up not having his baby. He ended up having custody battles with the ex, it put extra stress on us, and we didn’t make it. By the time he moved back to Texas, there was nothing to salvage…I loved him, but I didn’t think we could make it work. I didn’t wanna risk getting caught up or hurt…and I had met Ant (insert dreamy music ya’ll, lol). The last time I saw Jay was last July. Won’t go into details, cause it was one of the saddest nights of my life. All I’ll say is that he promised up and down that in the time we were together and in the last 8 months, he hadn’t been with another woman. (I didn’t believe him). He wanted us to get back together, and for me to leave Ant alone. I wouldn’t…so he left. A month later, he posts pics up of his new (old gf) referring to her as his future baby mama. I got a good laugh outta that…cause had I left Ant (And we all know that’s not scientifically possible, lol) that woulda been me. Or it woulda been both of us! Lmao…I spoke to him back in January, and he tells me they were getting married, and he was expecting a baby in June. Then a month later he tells me she lost the baby. He said she was 6 months pregnant. (Yeah, do the math…count the lies.) But then…last week…She had the baby!!! I don’t even care about our past, or the lies…It’s a little girl!!! And she’s BEAUTIFUL…even fresh outta the womb!!!(You know I don’t fuck with babies til they’ve had the slime offa them for at least 3 weeks…lol!!! Most babies come out lookin like gargoyles and I don’t play that shit…but, she’s gorgeous. I don’t even care he was trife as hell…I’m glad he finally got the little girl we wanted…and looking at his track record, it’s for the best that I wasn’t the one to give it to him. But I’m happy. Genuinely happy…and hope he continues to be blessed with his new family, and his basketball franchise he just bought. *Chuckles* I’m an awesome ex. I guess I didn’t have to type all this out to just say that whenever I read Shannon’s blogs about the little girl she didn’t get to have…I think about ‘07. We’ll have our own with real Prince Charmings, lol, someday, I’m certain of it.

p.s. Shannon if you’re reading, hover your mouse over your name. LOL

Toodles!!!

Google Me, Baby!

Lol…so I was havin’ this “I’m hungry but too on edge to eat, What if I really doooo have the diabeetus, I miss KB, prolly should call my Madre and touch bases, Everyone buy a shirt, no I’m not crying!!! (But I really am)” Day, and I thought I’d just curl up and dieeeee!!! LOL vvvvvthat’s how I looked!!!

Punky and Breezy

Last night my Ant Bite texted me…lol, *crowd goes aww* I hope things are looking up for him.

*Pause!!!* While we’re on ex’s, REMIND ME TO TELL YOU BOUT JAY. Omg…

Okay. So today…I see Leslie and just wanna cry in her lap. But…I had a million things to do at my desk, so I just kept leanin back to keep the tears in. Even though it’s Mika’s day off, I was bummed not havin’ her here cause I know she’s never comin’ backkkkk….:( Damn son…

As far as Mr. Feet-Sweeper-Offer, in search of peace, I said my piece…and we’ll see what happens.

But so yeah…I googled myself at my desk. I’m not vain…but I do it every few weeks or so. (It’s fun because I’m like the only “Krisaela” in the world…there’s another, but I think it’s a dude in the Phillipines…) Anyway…I got the normal stuff (Blogs, Unkommon Kolor, Poetry, Track Meet results from way back when…but then…I clicked this…and it Made. My. Day. LOL…it’s like, 2 years old…but the compliments made me all warm and fuzzy inside. I never read them til today. I remember that shoot with my bestie, but not the comments on the pic. Hell, I didn’t think much of the fact that I was in the pic…I was quicker to brag on HIS skills…cause he’s freakin amazing. *Sighs* I see him enough, but I miss him. Like, I miss him 2 years ago. Sip on that…

I’m having a great hair day. And that’s about it. Oh wait, spoke too soon…I’ve got a 95% on my QA scores for the week, and just scored a 97% on my corporate calibrations. Woo-mutha-effin-hoo. Most of my bills are taken care of…and I’ll actually have some extra money at the end of the month…dunno which of my funds it’ll go to, but, it’ll be a blessing.

*Sighs* but all that aside, my mind is elsewhere. There’s a lotta things I have to adjust pretty soon to avoid disaster, and it’s a bit overwhelming. Usually my mannish approach to these kind of things would be my go-to solve-all…and yet, not this time around. Ugh…over-thinking…UGH!!! I won’t unravel my thoughts here tho, so lucky you…

Blah…be back later when I’m a bit more organized.

Post Therapy

Ha, just realized the title of this entry is a pun. But that’s neither here nor there. So, I’ve been consumed by my new favorite blog stop lately, “According to me: Learning how to fall out of love”. When I read Shannon’s blog, I can’t help but feel like I’m walking past a painted picture of a place that looks eerily familiar…

I was there. Not being able to eat, sleep, function. Always feeling like I was on the verge of being sick…not wanting to be around anyone, yet hating being alone. I was unemployed, crying in between interviews because I gave up all chances of stability while trying to preserve something that wasn’t meant for me to keep. It took me nearly 8 months to get it together. Everytime I’d get on a roll, I’d find myself ruining it for some quick fix, and then having to work twice as hard to get back where I was. I went from thinking I had to move 5 hours away from him  to finally staying  my black ass right where I was and making it to the light at the end of the tunnel. I think things took a huge turn in February when I woke up at 5am Wednesday morning to get ready to record…only to hear that my best friend had died in her sleep. It was in the days of mourning that followed that I realized that in life, there are truly more important things worth crying over.  

Eventually, I got back to “living”, and these days I’m better than ever. But, that doesn’t mean I don’t remember where I came from. This is why I find Shannon’s posts to be therapeutic. They serve as a reminder that life does go on, and you’ll make it through. I’m proof. : ) !!!

Love May King (Me Into a Fiend)

I’m So far gone,

Shoulda never

 Let me leave,

 Cause this the

“Best I ever had”,

Let alone ever seen.

This that Love May King

Me into a Fiend,

Left always amazed,

Schooled,

And in a Daze

Like Spike Lee flicks,

 I’m Girl 6 for his fix,

Yeah, She’s Gotta Have It,

Used to be your addict,

Now I’m his bad habit,

 Sheeeit…on his?

I’d trick if I had it,

Like, “Yeah, you can have it”

Weave? Yeah you can grab it.

Round 4, 5, 6

We at it like Like rabbits,

Sex drive

Automatic,

On top like attics,

Up against the wall,

Neighbors like, “Dagnabbit!”

25 facts about me (2/10/09)

1.) My middle name is Willene. Gross, I know…

2.) My intuition is NEVER wrong…so don’t lie to me.

3.) I sing.

4.) I hate the following names: Terresa, Jessica, Claudia, and Tameka. (note, I don’t dislike people with those names…)

5.) I thought I’d been in love 2 times, but on the 3rd time, I realized I’d only been in love once. I’ve been proposed to 3 times. If you ever ask me what I’m doing, and I tell you I’m eating, sleeping, breathing, takin a shower, cleaning up, reading a book, washing my hair, etc…know that it’s a bold face lie cause all I ever do is love him.

6.) My favorite food is either Ribeye or crab legs.

7.) I buy the fattiest bacon package possible. I used to have a weight complex because I felt I was too skinny.

8.) I say a long grace before I eat cause me and God need to catch up.

9.) Lol, I’m on the phone with Mykal right now. He thinks I’m writing 25 things about him.

10.) My first daughter will have “Messiah” somewhere in her name. I’m also fond of Kennedy, Kaeris, and Lyric.

11.) I work on the 5th floor, and our glass elevator goes down fairly fast so at least 3 times a day I’m hangin upside down clinging to the bar outta fear. This either makes everyone laugh, or reminds someone that they too have an elevator phobia.

12.) Everything there is to know about me is between Anna Webb, Ant and Kenny Masenda.

13.) I cheated once in my life.

14.) My favorite joke has always been:Knock-KnockWho’s there?Interupting (fill in the blank with an animal that does NOT make a typical noise, like a giraffe)Interupting giraffe wh–(stick your face close to the other person and pretend to chew loudly)

15.) Contrary to #14, I’m a grown ass woman.

16.) With my Dad’s genes alone, I should be a raging alcoholic. There’s still time!

17.) I loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove kids. I’m the “lady” in my neighborhood who buys all the kids ice cream and hands out little debbie cakes and fruit snacks. I’m hoping to have a family started before I’m 30. Note that I DID say Family.

18.) If Jazmine Sullivan is the truth, I can’t handle it.

19.) My co-workers would describe me as “goofy, but hostile”.

20.) Unkommon Kolor kept me from abandoning yet another dream (Fashion Design). The first one being Track and Field.

21.) I wear flowers and feathers in my hair in tribute to Billy Holiday and Josephine Baker.

22.) I keep at least 30 journals.

23.) I wasn’t gonna do a “25 things about me” post until I read in B.Jone’s post that I was one of the coolest people he knows. Had to set the record straight…this note clearly proves I am not!

24.) Sometime last week I had cool whip and beef jerky for dinner because I went to Walmart on an empty stomach and didn’t buy any foods that went together.

25.) I waited too long to do this, so it probably won’t get read. Sent on the Now Network? from my Sprint® BlackBerry