Rehab

So…I made it 2 weeks without it…I’m happy (for now, provided I don’t relapse) in a bittersweet kinda’ way. Kenny, Law and Don would be proud of me. (welcome back Don btw…words can’t express how much I missed your writing, and insightful advice.)

Non-committment was just the tip of the ice burg I soon found out. I had to give up my drug because over the last 2 months I found myself extremely insecure…to the point that I could no longer find any happiness (pause, lol…someone once pointed out that the word happiness has Penis in it) within myself. My “happiness” was once or twice a week alone at home with him while he played Madden or 2K…there were things bothering me, but where he was, I was home…and whatever problems I had were always placed on a back burner cause I couldn’t bare to have to face them. Everything was on my end, it was all MY fault. IIIII was insecure. IIIII grew deeper feelings. IIIII agreed to where we were headed (nowhere). IIIII let it go this long. I didn’t feel like having him remind me of that. Didn’t want him to show me how much he didn’t care, and how unwilling he was to change any dynamics. These were things I KNEW. But I couldn’t deal with having them spoken…so I stayed quiet.

The first week was HARD. I spent most days uneasy and sometimes even nausous. (Like the feeling you get when something bad is going to happen) it was like morning sickness…because like clock work, it was the first thing I’d think of when my eyes opened in the morning. I just wanted my best friend back.

This week…I’m more at ease…it helps not seeing him or his name as often. I get the urge to hit him up sometimes, but I know better. At this point I’m sure I wouldn’t be welcome either way. He’s all anti emotion and what-not. But it’s been cool…I’m starting to see more things for what they are, and not what I want them to be (like I used to) and it’s done me well. I love the kid, but I can’t have him dangled before me. *wipes brow* Rehab…I’mInThatThang

Birthday Revelation

I’m typing this miles up in the sky…on my connector flight from Charlotte (spent 3 days in Cleveland) back to Dallas. My birthday is in a few hours. I’m gonna press my words now, and then forget about them for tomorrow. A beautiful woman is growing more beautiful, wise and mature by the day, and tomorrow we’re gonna celebrate that.
But, simply put, I deserve soooooo much more…and this whole lop-sided deal where I ACT like I don’t know my worth ends now. I’m tired of acting like Rose in the Joy Luck Club…putting someone else’s love on a pedestal, like it’s worth more than mine…when nothing could be further from the truth. My love is patient and understanding. I’m fully aware that where I’m at right now is completely my own fault. I wanted to give the benefit of the doubt, and even more than that, I got comfortable. I put on my “Noh” smile, hid feelings, and took what I was given without questioning it. But that’s done. I’m going home and getting my house in order. I’m dolling myself up for ME, going out on dates, cooking and getting appreciated. I wanna go out, I wanna stay in…I wanna not feel tied down to nothingness. Trust me, this isn’t an entry to bash him…he’s a brilliant person…one of my favorite in the whole world. But I can’t make excuses for my actions anymore…

So now…selecting sweaters for fall and winter. If I’m lucky I’ll just find one perfect coat that goes with everything. been window-shoppin my ass off lately!!!
*waves @ Kenny and Law* Thanks for the ears and lectures. I’m good!

Happy Birthday to who? Meeeeee!!!

Orange-Orange

Okay. So. Despite my current ailment (I drank heavily this past week and my kidneys are making me pay for it…hospital visit tomorrow morning) I DID have my first Vitamin Water, Snapple Antioxident Water and SoBe Life water. SoBe Life

The official breakdown is as follows: SoBe Life Water<Snapple Antioxidant Water<Vitamin Water
Now, I’m NOT gonna tell you that I had a girl-on-girl encounter Friday night. But, I am gonna tell you that Vitamin Water’s “Orange-Orange” is what it tasted like…it’s pure heaven.

I started this entry August 2nd, so I’ll try to sum up what I was trrrrying to get into, then I’ll get into what’s been up. K, so…lately I’ve been going back and forth on whether I need consistency, discipline, traditional values, accountability and respect or spontaneity, convenience, freedom from being vulnerable, and no strings attached. My recent sitch has been a perfect example of “It is what it is, but it ain’t what it looks like”. Catch us around the house and it’s hard to convince anyone we’re not together…but we’re not. Though it lacks most of the things I usually won’t settle without, I really do enjoy lazy days of music/video games/eating like I’m in college again (fast food and unlikely combinations). I like the casual, vaguely romantic gestures. I like the comfort zone I’ve carved out. But I know it’s for nothin cause while it’s been 5 and a half months (and could go on for way longer than that) there really isn’t a “destination”. And the day someone tries to inquire about one is the day the ride stops abruptly. *Shrugs* k, that’s last weeks tangent.

Now…? Trying to plan a trip to SA before my cousins go back to philly…then…maybe a trip to Little Rock. Why? Cause (and this is for you Shannon) there’s something Strummable up there. Lol, not Jay (details on that later)…actually better. No lie…true story. If I had your email I’d send you a pic of the guitar.

Lemme see…speakin of guitars…been checkin out a lotta live music…and apparently live music has been checkin me out as well. Hmmm…that’s all for now I suppose…oh wait, here’s your bonus footage:

Met KB’s mom again (I was sober this time) while wearing an outfit that consisted of his shorts, a Sonic the Hedgehog shirt and his hoodie. She nick-named me Sybil (cause I was a LOT different sober) but the nick-nickname is “Sober Chic” Lol, I like it.

So, they fixed my Blackberry…and I was happy…

I’ve kinda been getting to know someone I should have known a lonnnnnnnng time ago…(Talkin bout, we went to the same middle school, lived in the same neighborhood, had the same friends both in hs and college…our little sisters were BFF’s, and our parents knew each other.) But somehow he and I kept missing each other. So we’re kinda playin’ catch up, and it’s fun…he’s handsome and hilarious and pretty much what you see is what you get.

He scares the bejesus outta me too tho! Cause he’s in the military…and anybody who knows me knows my beef, pork and chicken with the military. My parents ruined that for me a lonnnng time ago. But somehow I think about him wakin’ up at 6ish every morning, putting on his uniform and I think its…(When I have a word for it, I’ll say so…but for now, it makes my face kinda glowy). I think it’s admiration (not to mention he looks damn good! Lol)…I tend to go for people with less structure and discipline, and here I am chit-chattin’ away on the yadda-yadda daily and every night when I get off.

It’s nice not feeling like a house plant…ya know…you water em when you feel like it…or if you remember to.

You’re right Mr. Masenda, guys don’t go back on those words. But they sho’ll do end up wishin’ they did. Kixpo…see ya there.

F*ck!!!

A Saturday night without a Blue OR Blackberry track ball??? I’m doomed…the sprint store better be able to fix her tomorrow or I’m gonna go ape shit. :-/ All I can really do is talk and text. Can’t surf, can’t facebook or myspace…*sighs* I’m a goner.

That…and…oh forget it.

So depressed about my Blackberry!!!

^^^^^^^^She should get laid. Just sayin.

Lupe Fiasco inspired skate deck.

Okay, so for those of you that DON’T know, I’ve been in Love with Lu prolly since before he was featurin’ on Tha Rayne’s songs (btw, though nobody knows who they are…I loved them…Yummy Bingham is the truth!) Anyways…not gonna gush on him, cause if you love Hip Hop, Rock, Pop, Fashion or any nerdy shit, you can pick up what he’s puttin’ down. (Haha…I stole that from Prince Vince Blade Brown…lol) Anyway…I’d call Lupe a genius, but…it’s takin him entirely too long to ask for my hand in marriage. Lu…whatchu waitin’ on?!

: ) Enter the first official “Chic” deck from Unkommon Kolor…

I love Lupe Fiasco!Details, Details...

Details, Details...

My first custom deck…engraved with a woodburner, stained, and handpainted by my alter ego (Pretty Flaca DiBaca). My tribute to the man of my dreams and one one of the songs that put him on the rest of the word’s radar, “Kick Push”.

“…Now let me make one thing clear, I don’t need to ride yours, I got mine right here…”

A quote I live by : ). You can check this and other Fly Shit out at Unkommon Kolor.

Peace…F&F^

: ) !!!

So…though I completely winged this weekend, I did it well. Friday…open mic poetry…I had a BLAST. Performed twice (I did “Love May King” and “Other Women, Other Woman“) got some great feedback…I really just have to work on my nerves. Either way…GREAT night. I heard 3 of THE most talented R&B Soul artists live and under one roof. Quentin Dyer Moore, John Bailey and Archie Robinson. OMG. Okay, Yeah, Q is my friend…but dude is TALENTED. He recently released an album, and if I can figure out how to link to all his stuff, I’ll do so later. Archie and John were COMPLETE surprises…I had never met either of them, and while I had heard of John, I’d never heard him live. Each of them performed individually…KILLED IT. Then they came back up for a collabo…I’m here to tell you right now…there was nothing more beautiful than three SEXY, TALENTED, CHOCOLATE LOCAL artists performing…the only way I can explain the music they made (keep in mind it was pretty much all improvised!!!) is to say that I was starving and didn’t even know it! Then their voices fed me. It was like something was poured over me…I was definitely in a trance. Whatever voo-doo they did…it’s rekindled my love for the Dallas music scene.  Again, I’ll try to come back and link to these artists I was so blessed to meet and perform amongst…but I will say, there’s no youtube vid or online snippet that will be able to give you an idea of how I felt in their presence…there’s nothing like being right there to hear the richness of their voices, and the music…omg. Alright, I’m done…sort of…

Speaking of Good local music…(soon to be all over the world music) The Sore Losers had a GREAT show Saturday night…check out the pics here : ) *goofy grin* That King Blue guy is rather handsome…Vince did his thing…even with those retched tube socks. :-/ Lol, so…shot out to KB, Prince Vince, Fizzy Dino Pop, Damaged Good$ and Steven “Wreckamic” Mullin for bein’ the DOPEST Storm Trooper to ever grace the stage. (Check the pics…he was doin the Stanky Legg…need I say more?!)

*Shrugs* All in all…it was a good night…I got to be around some of my favorite people…hear some of my favorite music, and probably add to some of my favorite memories.

I’ll leave with a few things I observed…

1.) There’s something utterly magical about sexy panties…they scream, “Touch me…” without even being seen. 

2.) My little purple dress (or any simple dress I throw on for that matter) can whoop your little black dress’s ass!!!

3.) Eyes…arms…get lost in em.

Ciao!

Chase

So, I’ve lived in my North Dallas neighborhood for nearly 3 years. Not much has changed accept there’s more cops, less violence, and I get slightly less attention than I did when I was new. I say less, because when I first moved out here, I was TERRIFIED to leave the house during the day. I’d get so much unwanted attention it was scary. Guys following me for blocks, or tryin to trap me with their vehicle in a dead end, etc. It got to the point where I’d only walk down the street after 11pm. Cause at night, in my pajamas, it’s harder to see what I look like. People are less likely to bother me cause I could be a crack-head, a hooker, a guy… Whatever. Well, out of all the guy’s cars that slowed down over the years, there’s one guy that I was always polite (though short) with. In all of our run-ins, He’s never honked at me (my pet peeve). He always rides alongside me, trying to convince me that “today’s the day…” Lol. He’s parked and walked with me a few times, and while I admired his “I’m tryin to come correct” approach, it still didn’t get him far. His name is Chase, and he strikes me as a soft-spoken, square Ryan Leslie. Yesterday, he saw me at the shopping center near my apts. He quickly parked his Hummer, and followed me into where else? The beauty supply store. Lol, he dared to go where no straight man dares to gooooo…lol. I couldn’t find what I wanted, so we went next door to another store where I did. (Cleaning gloves) he then grabbed my hand (bold, right?!) And for some reason I spared his life (anybody knows that I’m quick to pull out the mace and/or a blade). He opened up the passenger side of his truck and gave me a ride back home (2 min away). We talked, and after nearly 3 years of politely turning him down, I gave him my number. Not cause I wanna date anyone…hell, after this week, I’m so burnt out on “liking” someone, I don’t know when I’ll come back down off the shelf. It’s not like getting back up on the horse…it’s more like climbing onto a talllll giraffe…oh well. I’ve got a 3 day weekend, and my prior plans are ruined so…
But I digress. I gave him my number “because”. And because had I not, I feel like Karma woulda sent another asshole along to teach me a lesson. Heh…hope this week ends well. I really wish Ant coulda came to open mic last night. *fighting a smile* I remember him being quite the poet.

Happy for him!!!

Alright. So. I said I had somethin to say about Jay. Hopefully my blog is tucked away far enough for him to never find this one, lol. I love him to death, and wish him only the best…cause even though our past is troubled, he’s an amazing person and I’m blessed to have known him. With that said…

He'd kick my ass if he knew I referenced this pic.

 

First off, backstory…I almost quit my job, moved half-way across the world to have a lil girl with him. Lol, blunt, but we were on a mission back in the day, lmao. Here’s the summary:

I met him at work one day…didn’t take him serious…at all. He was gooooode looking, and played basketball…really well. So those were the red lights for me, lmao. Dude’s like that are either hoes, or they’re chased by a million of em. He gave me HIS number, and I dunno what I did with it…(well I knooow what I did with it, but I don’t want to say it here, lol.)

2 months later, I run into his homeboy…who was like, “You know, he looked for you at all his home games…looked out in the crowd, and you neva’ came…” :-/ Had me feelin’ all crunchy like the wicked witch of the East…and he calls Jay up right then and there to tell him he ran into me. Few days later, he “stopped by” Ahem. By stopped by, I mean he drove prolly 45 min to an hr to see me. Nothing sexual…we watched his basketball footage (He’s incredible) and just “caught up” since we never spoke after the day I met him. After a while, we started talking, his ex and mother of his children caused some static, makin’ threats about him not being able to see his boys…so I walked away. I didn’t wanna have any part in a man not being able to see his kids…especially one who is a devoted father like he is. He told me to reconsider, and that his ex had backed down…I still didn’t. We ended on bad terms…and didn’t speak or see each other for 2 years.

Ahem. But when we did, we hit the ground running…I was immediately on a plane to Atlanta to reunite with the man of my dreams…lol. There’s no need to go into detail…but I flew back to Texas glowing. I was looking forward to packing up my life, having a big belly, swollen feet, and buying pink stuff. This is the blog about that very day I headed home to say goodbye to Texas.

Anyway…I ended up not having his baby. He ended up having custody battles with the ex, it put extra stress on us, and we didn’t make it. By the time he moved back to Texas, there was nothing to salvage…I loved him, but I didn’t think we could make it work. I didn’t wanna risk getting caught up or hurt…and I had met Ant (insert dreamy music ya’ll, lol). The last time I saw Jay was last July. Won’t go into details, cause it was one of the saddest nights of my life. All I’ll say is that he promised up and down that in the time we were together and in the last 8 months, he hadn’t been with another woman. (I didn’t believe him). He wanted us to get back together, and for me to leave Ant alone. I wouldn’t…so he left. A month later, he posts pics up of his new (old gf) referring to her as his future baby mama. I got a good laugh outta that…cause had I left Ant (And we all know that’s not scientifically possible, lol) that woulda been me. Or it woulda been both of us! Lmao…I spoke to him back in January, and he tells me they were getting married, and he was expecting a baby in June. Then a month later he tells me she lost the baby. He said she was 6 months pregnant. (Yeah, do the math…count the lies.) But then…last week…She had the baby!!! I don’t even care about our past, or the lies…It’s a little girl!!! And she’s BEAUTIFUL…even fresh outta the womb!!!(You know I don’t fuck with babies til they’ve had the slime offa them for at least 3 weeks…lol!!! Most babies come out lookin like gargoyles and I don’t play that shit…but, she’s gorgeous. I don’t even care he was trife as hell…I’m glad he finally got the little girl we wanted…and looking at his track record, it’s for the best that I wasn’t the one to give it to him. But I’m happy. Genuinely happy…and hope he continues to be blessed with his new family, and his basketball franchise he just bought. *Chuckles* I’m an awesome ex. I guess I didn’t have to type all this out to just say that whenever I read Shannon’s blogs about the little girl she didn’t get to have…I think about ‘07. We’ll have our own with real Prince Charmings, lol, someday, I’m certain of it.

p.s. Shannon if you’re reading, hover your mouse over your name. LOL

Toodles!!!

Google Me, Baby!

Lol…so I was havin’ this “I’m hungry but too on edge to eat, What if I really doooo have the diabeetus, I miss KB, prolly should call my Madre and touch bases, Everyone buy a shirt, no I’m not crying!!! (But I really am)” Day, and I thought I’d just curl up and dieeeee!!! LOL vvvvvthat’s how I looked!!!

Punky and Breezy

Last night my Ant Bite texted me…lol, *crowd goes aww* I hope things are looking up for him.

*Pause!!!* While we’re on ex’s, REMIND ME TO TELL YOU BOUT JAY. Omg…

Okay. So today…I see Leslie and just wanna cry in her lap. But…I had a million things to do at my desk, so I just kept leanin back to keep the tears in. Even though it’s Mika’s day off, I was bummed not havin’ her here cause I know she’s never comin’ backkkkk….:( Damn son…

As far as Mr. Feet-Sweeper-Offer, in search of peace, I said my piece…and we’ll see what happens.

But so yeah…I googled myself at my desk. I’m not vain…but I do it every few weeks or so. (It’s fun because I’m like the only “Krisaela” in the world…there’s another, but I think it’s a dude in the Phillipines…) Anyway…I got the normal stuff (Blogs, Unkommon Kolor, Poetry, Track Meet results from way back when…but then…I clicked this…and it Made. My. Day. LOL…it’s like, 2 years old…but the compliments made me all warm and fuzzy inside. I never read them til today. I remember that shoot with my bestie, but not the comments on the pic. Hell, I didn’t think much of the fact that I was in the pic…I was quicker to brag on HIS skills…cause he’s freakin amazing. *Sighs* I see him enough, but I miss him. Like, I miss him 2 years ago. Sip on that…