Lose to Win

New Years Eve suuuuucked. I was at the dopest party I’m sure, but the wake up call I was seeking months ago showed up at the party and fucked off my night. I dunno what it is about my luck, but the antagonist always has to have something fundamentally in common with me, or they’ve got the whole venis fly trap face goin on. Or both. But I digress. It was uncomfortable to say the least…especially after the impromptu convo with Brandon (no, cutesy cover ups anymore…this is really the last mention of him as far as I can tell.) But enough about my old demons. The night was sprinkled with fun with the gang, and a few texts from a current crush, so all wasn’t lost. Matter of fact…lately I’m kinda giggly…

Actually downright bubbly. I started the new job this past week, and prior to that I was bustin my ass to get Christmas together for 2 households. So I haven’t noticed how this has been the best winter guy-wise in years. This celibacy thing is awesome, and I haven’t had time to really “worry” about anyone. Shortly after I wrote about Bryant graduating, I decided to give the final “no” to us ever being together. We’re still friends, but like with Brandon, I couldn’t be tied down to “nothing” anymore. Ladies, be faithful to yourself, and never to some dude who won’t commit. There’s nothing wrong with avoidng the heavy stuff or putting committment to the side in the beginning…but don’t give some weak nigga your best years (months, whatever) and end up with nothing to show for it. I wasted a good 6-8 months of this year on some lopsided shit. Don’t do it! Lol. Be open with what you need/want…if it can’t be met, hit that nigga with the pageant wave and keep it movin. Just because you meet HIS needs doesn’t mean he’s gonna change. But enough of that waitin’ to exhale bs.

I’m UP at this ungodly hour because afermentioned crush has a habit of waking me up to talk then going to sleep and leaving me hanging. 2nd night in a row. lol…I don’t mind (at least not til I wake up in 2 hrs!) It’s good to have someone to chat with…even though they’re far away (safe distance!). And for the first time in a while I can think about the opposite sex without feeling weighed down. Doesn’t hurt that he’s yummy to look at. *fans herself* lawd hammer see!!!
Good Mornin!

Still Blue.

Went to Sore Loser’s show Thursday night…great night start to finish. Hell, the day itself was good cause Nordstroms called to offer me the Jewelry position…the one I turned down a year ago because I was worried about Unkommon Kolor…as I should have been but for different reasons. But anyway…I think I’m ready to jump back into jewelry. We’ll see what happens. Waiting to get a start date and iron out the pay rate…

But I digress. I was walking towards the venue with my head down, lookin at my phone when a tall man comes charging at me. I looked up too late to see his face, and my purse’s life flashed before my eyes. Before he had a chance to rob me, he picked me up and squeezed me. My frame immediately recognized his…and if I didn’t have on lip gloss I probably would have kissed his face off. It was KB! (He’s only called that for blogging purposes…to me he’ll always be ‘Myblue’…said in a 6 year old’s voice, lol)It was in that lonnnnnnng hug that I realized that if missing each other has the be the only mutual feeling we’ll have for each other…then so be it. There’s a sort of shame or hesitance to say I love him…but I can miss him as much as I want. I purposely hadn’t seen him in 2 months, and had minimal contact…kicked my habit.

I didn’t relapse Thursday, but I had a great time. They killed as usual…him and Vince always make me proud. Lots of exciting things are coming their way, God/Mr. Patterson willing. Lol…

To Be Continued…

So I said Bryant and I were done for good…but leave it to him to pop up a month after our final showdown…and after I’ve deleted him from my entire life (for the first time I actually deleted his #…instead of just pretending to, lol). Our first year of “talking”, I didn’t take him serious. The second year, I fell hard…but then I realized HE didn’t take ME seriously. The 3rd year we had our ups and downs…he started to take me seriously, but I got so tired of him screwing me over (I ran into him at Victoria’s Secret with another chic, texts meant for other girls, etc.). We took our breaks…I fell in love with Ant…but when the dust settled, he was always back in the picture. He’s always been there for me, whether it meant money for meds when my kidneys were bout to fall out, or rent when I was unemployed…or just a shoulder, ear, or set of arms. There’s some days that I’m glad we never dated…and then others where I wonder why we’re not cause I feel like an old couple when we’re around each other.

I typed all this to jump into the fact that he wrote me a long heart-felt letter last week. (Forreal…I cried…then my mascara made my eyes burn so I cried harder!) He apologized for the last fight and acknowledged the fact that he tends to have a “me against the world” way of handling his problems. He wrote that he was graduating (this past Friday…I’m so proud of him it’s ridiculous!) And that he was at a point in his life where we could finally be on the same page and be together. *gasps* Yeah…haven’t ironed that one out, but we’ll see. Part of me wants to give it a shot…the other doesn’t even believe he came to that conclusion. *shrugs* who knows. Only time will tell.

accidental rant.

So…since I’ve been working on this car sitch, I haven’t wanted to talk to annnnnyone. I never call my mom, my God Children, Pops…I don’t talk to Unkommon Kolor unless we’re at an event…etc. I haven’t been dating really…like there’s absolutely no guy to gush about, and I’ve had my hands full with these dogs. (I realized today that I shop/cook for them and NOT myself.) Womp-womp!!! *pause* random sidenote, even though my bills ate it up, I made a little over 1200 bucks this week!!! Talkin bout bustin my ass for the commission!!! Anyways…uh, my step mom was blowin’ up my phone leavin messages talkin about if I don’t call my dad he’s gonna drive (from GA) to TX and track me down like he did a few years ago. (Daddy rant in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!)

Nigga I wish you WOULD show up where I pay bills!!! The only reason he got away with it a few years back is cause he knew I worked at Sears. He has no idea WHERE I work now, and if he showed up on my doorstep he’d be embarrassed and realize he wasted a trip cause I’m a grown ass woman who doesn’t take kindly to a grown ass man who couldn’t play a role in his child’s life showin up and tryna run shit. I’m twenty fuckin four years old. He didn’t help with school, a car, housing, etc…all he gave me was my high alcohol tolerance and my ability to burn bridges. He gave me his temper, but life has taught me to hide it with passive aggressiveness. Trust me, I’m not one of those typical “I resent my childhood cause I didn’t have a daddy” kids. Matter of fact, I’ve always thought of that as a cop out…maybe that’s wrong or insensitive…don’t care. Long story made short, I didn’t have a problem with him leavin, but I’ll let his ass have it if he thinks he can pop into my life and try to run it. Nigga you MUST be sleepy!!!!

Where else have I been?

Other things in less exciting news…

Ike (one of the “Great Ones”, you know, when you think you’re in love etc) moved away to Waco. I was absolutely annoyed with him the whole week before he left and now I don’t put much thought into it. I haven’t seen him in maybe a year…and before that more than 2 years, so the move doesn’t effect anything…if we couldn’t find the time to be friends when he lived 30 min away, what’s another 2 hrs, ya know?

What else? Bryant (on again off again for the past 3 and a half years finally cut himself off forever I think. His grandma recently passed away and he tried to throw it in my face like I didn’t give a shit about him…we’re better than that…or we were…but I’m not even gonna worry about it. I offered a shoulder or an ear if he needed it, and I’m sorry to see him lose someone so important to him, but our friendship can’t be fixed at this point. I think we only held on because of the time we invested (almost 4 years) but it’s done for good this time around. There’s a reason we never dated…this is the reminder.

Speaking of deaths in the family, Jay (aka Strummable abs to Sharon) recently lost his younger cousin. It happened around the same time as Bryant’s grandma, but they seemed to handle their sitches completely differently. I saw hime the other day…all I’ll say is he hasn’t changed much. He’s not the man I wanted to marry, but he’s a good friend…one who forgives and forgets better than I ever could. His franchise seems to be doing well, and things are looking up for him despite his obstacles, but the boy’s gonna be okay.

I’m a lot closer to getting a new car…fingers crossed.

I finally got around to seeing “Slumdog Millionaire” and “He’s just not that into you”…GREAT stuff. Not that I take movies/books seriously, but…well I’ll touch on it later. Right now I’m about to get the house ready for a 4-legged guest…Luciano is about to have a female friend til February…I get the feeling they’re gonna hump. hopefully not tho. I’ll be damned if anybody’s gettin some under MY roof when I’m not.

Take the Stairs.

I watched their eyes tangle with one another’s from across the room…he stood sipping his drink, undressing her with his eyes. She…sat desperately grasping at the shreds of fabric, hoping no one noticed she was standing there naked. The second he took his eyes off her, she made her way to the door, hoping to get some fresh air and gather her thoughts. He soon followed and slipped into the elevator behind her. As the doors began to slide shut, I saw him push several buttons, guaranteeing a longer trip than usual. I’m sure he pressed his body against hers, and ran his fingertips over her lips. I’m sure she couldn’t help but to push back, and return every last kiss he gave her.

When the party began to fizzle, I finished my drink and headed to the elevator. When it arrived, I let the guys from the band on first…but with their instruments, I realized I wouldn’t fit. Opting for the stairs, I bid them all goodbye, and made my way to the door that led to the stair well. I took 3 steps down but froze at the sound of whispering and soft moaning. I slowly eased closer to the rail in order to look down and see who I had almost stumbled upon. Though I was shocked at the scene, I wasn’t surprised to find the elevator love birds going at it. Quietly, I stepped back and made my way out of the stair well.

Flustered by my discovery, and not looking where I was going, I damn near ran a woman over trying to get back to the elevators. I apologized, and was even more embarrassed when I saw that it was a familiar face…

“Have you seen…” Her voice trailed off. She cleared her throat and tried again. “I’ve been looking all over for him…can’t find him anywhere…”

I knew exactly where he was…but there was no way I could tell her…

“No…but I’m sure he’s been up and down, probably looking for you…you just can’t seem to catch him…”

I tried to give a reassuring nod as I stepped onto the elevator even though I felt guilty. My cab was waiting downstairs, and the whole way home I thought about the risk, and whether or not anyone saw us sneak away.
For what it’s worth, it was worth it.

Rehab

So…I made it 2 weeks without it…I’m happy (for now, provided I don’t relapse) in a bittersweet kinda’ way. Kenny, Law and Don would be proud of me. (welcome back Don btw…words can’t express how much I missed your writing, and insightful advice.)

Non-committment was just the tip of the ice burg I soon found out. I had to give up my drug because over the last 2 months I found myself extremely insecure…to the point that I could no longer find any happiness (pause, lol…someone once pointed out that the word happiness has Penis in it) within myself. My “happiness” was once or twice a week alone at home with him while he played Madden or 2K…there were things bothering me, but where he was, I was home…and whatever problems I had were always placed on a back burner cause I couldn’t bare to have to face them. Everything was on my end, it was all MY fault. IIIII was insecure. IIIII grew deeper feelings. IIIII agreed to where we were headed (nowhere). IIIII let it go this long. I didn’t feel like having him remind me of that. Didn’t want him to show me how much he didn’t care, and how unwilling he was to change any dynamics. These were things I KNEW. But I couldn’t deal with having them spoken…so I stayed quiet.

The first week was HARD. I spent most days uneasy and sometimes even nausous. (Like the feeling you get when something bad is going to happen) it was like morning sickness…because like clock work, it was the first thing I’d think of when my eyes opened in the morning. I just wanted my best friend back.

This week…I’m more at ease…it helps not seeing him or his name as often. I get the urge to hit him up sometimes, but I know better. At this point I’m sure I wouldn’t be welcome either way. He’s all anti emotion and what-not. But it’s been cool…I’m starting to see more things for what they are, and not what I want them to be (like I used to) and it’s done me well. I love the kid, but I can’t have him dangled before me. *wipes brow* Rehab…I’mInThatThang

Birthday Revelation

I’m typing this miles up in the sky…on my connector flight from Charlotte (spent 3 days in Cleveland) back to Dallas. My birthday is in a few hours. I’m gonna press my words now, and then forget about them for tomorrow. A beautiful woman is growing more beautiful, wise and mature by the day, and tomorrow we’re gonna celebrate that.
But, simply put, I deserve soooooo much more…and this whole lop-sided deal where I ACT like I don’t know my worth ends now. I’m tired of acting like Rose in the Joy Luck Club…putting someone else’s love on a pedestal, like it’s worth more than mine…when nothing could be further from the truth. My love is patient and understanding. I’m fully aware that where I’m at right now is completely my own fault. I wanted to give the benefit of the doubt, and even more than that, I got comfortable. I put on my “Noh” smile, hid feelings, and took what I was given without questioning it. But that’s done. I’m going home and getting my house in order. I’m dolling myself up for ME, going out on dates, cooking and getting appreciated. I wanna go out, I wanna stay in…I wanna not feel tied down to nothingness. Trust me, this isn’t an entry to bash him…he’s a brilliant person…one of my favorite in the whole world. But I can’t make excuses for my actions anymore…

So now…selecting sweaters for fall and winter. If I’m lucky I’ll just find one perfect coat that goes with everything. been window-shoppin my ass off lately!!!
*waves @ Kenny and Law* Thanks for the ears and lectures. I’m good!

Happy Birthday to who? Meeeeee!!!

Wacom Practice Sketch

Done under the supervision of…me…and occasionally KB & Señor Blanco (aka the new guy….).  Be back to post what’s been up later…just been bustin’ my ass at work and on the sewing machine…which needs to be replaced…but I digress. …ciao for now.

I still prefer non-digital drawing/painting.

Orange-Orange

Okay. So. Despite my current ailment (I drank heavily this past week and my kidneys are making me pay for it…hospital visit tomorrow morning) I DID have my first Vitamin Water, Snapple Antioxident Water and SoBe Life water. SoBe Life

The official breakdown is as follows: SoBe Life Water<Snapple Antioxidant Water<Vitamin Water
Now, I’m NOT gonna tell you that I had a girl-on-girl encounter Friday night. But, I am gonna tell you that Vitamin Water’s “Orange-Orange” is what it tasted like…it’s pure heaven.

I started this entry August 2nd, so I’ll try to sum up what I was trrrrying to get into, then I’ll get into what’s been up. K, so…lately I’ve been going back and forth on whether I need consistency, discipline, traditional values, accountability and respect or spontaneity, convenience, freedom from being vulnerable, and no strings attached. My recent sitch has been a perfect example of “It is what it is, but it ain’t what it looks like”. Catch us around the house and it’s hard to convince anyone we’re not together…but we’re not. Though it lacks most of the things I usually won’t settle without, I really do enjoy lazy days of music/video games/eating like I’m in college again (fast food and unlikely combinations). I like the casual, vaguely romantic gestures. I like the comfort zone I’ve carved out. But I know it’s for nothin cause while it’s been 5 and a half months (and could go on for way longer than that) there really isn’t a “destination”. And the day someone tries to inquire about one is the day the ride stops abruptly. *Shrugs* k, that’s last weeks tangent.

Now…? Trying to plan a trip to SA before my cousins go back to philly…then…maybe a trip to Little Rock. Why? Cause (and this is for you Shannon) there’s something Strummable up there. Lol, not Jay (details on that later)…actually better. No lie…true story. If I had your email I’d send you a pic of the guitar.

Lemme see…speakin of guitars…been checkin out a lotta live music…and apparently live music has been checkin me out as well. Hmmm…that’s all for now I suppose…oh wait, here’s your bonus footage:

Met KB’s mom again (I was sober this time) while wearing an outfit that consisted of his shorts, a Sonic the Hedgehog shirt and his hoodie. She nick-named me Sybil (cause I was a LOT different sober) but the nick-nickname is “Sober Chic” Lol, I like it.