Rehab

So…I made it 2 weeks without it…I’m happy (for now, provided I don’t relapse) in a bittersweet kinda’ way. Kenny, Law and Don would be proud of me. (welcome back Don btw…words can’t express how much I missed your writing, and insightful advice.)

Non-committment was just the tip of the ice burg I soon found out. I had to give up my drug because over the last 2 months I found myself extremely insecure…to the point that I could no longer find any happiness (pause, lol…someone once pointed out that the word happiness has Penis in it) within myself. My “happiness” was once or twice a week alone at home with him while he played Madden or 2K…there were things bothering me, but where he was, I was home…and whatever problems I had were always placed on a back burner cause I couldn’t bare to have to face them. Everything was on my end, it was all MY fault. IIIII was insecure. IIIII grew deeper feelings. IIIII agreed to where we were headed (nowhere). IIIII let it go this long. I didn’t feel like having him remind me of that. Didn’t want him to show me how much he didn’t care, and how unwilling he was to change any dynamics. These were things I KNEW. But I couldn’t deal with having them spoken…so I stayed quiet.

The first week was HARD. I spent most days uneasy and sometimes even nausous. (Like the feeling you get when something bad is going to happen) it was like morning sickness…because like clock work, it was the first thing I’d think of when my eyes opened in the morning. I just wanted my best friend back.

This week…I’m more at ease…it helps not seeing him or his name as often. I get the urge to hit him up sometimes, but I know better. At this point I’m sure I wouldn’t be welcome either way. He’s all anti emotion and what-not. But it’s been cool…I’m starting to see more things for what they are, and not what I want them to be (like I used to) and it’s done me well. I love the kid, but I can’t have him dangled before me. *wipes brow* Rehab…I’mInThatThang

Birthday Revelation

I’m typing this miles up in the sky…on my connector flight from Charlotte (spent 3 days in Cleveland) back to Dallas. My birthday is in a few hours. I’m gonna press my words now, and then forget about them for tomorrow. A beautiful woman is growing more beautiful, wise and mature by the day, and tomorrow we’re gonna celebrate that.
But, simply put, I deserve soooooo much more…and this whole lop-sided deal where I ACT like I don’t know my worth ends now. I’m tired of acting like Rose in the Joy Luck Club…putting someone else’s love on a pedestal, like it’s worth more than mine…when nothing could be further from the truth. My love is patient and understanding. I’m fully aware that where I’m at right now is completely my own fault. I wanted to give the benefit of the doubt, and even more than that, I got comfortable. I put on my “Noh” smile, hid feelings, and took what I was given without questioning it. But that’s done. I’m going home and getting my house in order. I’m dolling myself up for ME, going out on dates, cooking and getting appreciated. I wanna go out, I wanna stay in…I wanna not feel tied down to nothingness. Trust me, this isn’t an entry to bash him…he’s a brilliant person…one of my favorite in the whole world. But I can’t make excuses for my actions anymore…

So now…selecting sweaters for fall and winter. If I’m lucky I’ll just find one perfect coat that goes with everything. been window-shoppin my ass off lately!!!
*waves @ Kenny and Law* Thanks for the ears and lectures. I’m good!

Happy Birthday to who? Meeeeee!!!

Wacom Practice Sketch

Done under the supervision of…me…and occasionally KB & Señor Blanco (aka the new guy….).  Be back to post what’s been up later…just been bustin’ my ass at work and on the sewing machine…which needs to be replaced…but I digress. …ciao for now.

I still prefer non-digital drawing/painting.

Chase

So, I’ve lived in my North Dallas neighborhood for nearly 3 years. Not much has changed accept there’s more cops, less violence, and I get slightly less attention than I did when I was new. I say less, because when I first moved out here, I was TERRIFIED to leave the house during the day. I’d get so much unwanted attention it was scary. Guys following me for blocks, or tryin to trap me with their vehicle in a dead end, etc. It got to the point where I’d only walk down the street after 11pm. Cause at night, in my pajamas, it’s harder to see what I look like. People are less likely to bother me cause I could be a crack-head, a hooker, a guy… Whatever. Well, out of all the guy’s cars that slowed down over the years, there’s one guy that I was always polite (though short) with. In all of our run-ins, He’s never honked at me (my pet peeve). He always rides alongside me, trying to convince me that “today’s the day…” Lol. He’s parked and walked with me a few times, and while I admired his “I’m tryin to come correct” approach, it still didn’t get him far. His name is Chase, and he strikes me as a soft-spoken, square Ryan Leslie. Yesterday, he saw me at the shopping center near my apts. He quickly parked his Hummer, and followed me into where else? The beauty supply store. Lol, he dared to go where no straight man dares to gooooo…lol. I couldn’t find what I wanted, so we went next door to another store where I did. (Cleaning gloves) he then grabbed my hand (bold, right?!) And for some reason I spared his life (anybody knows that I’m quick to pull out the mace and/or a blade). He opened up the passenger side of his truck and gave me a ride back home (2 min away). We talked, and after nearly 3 years of politely turning him down, I gave him my number. Not cause I wanna date anyone…hell, after this week, I’m so burnt out on “liking” someone, I don’t know when I’ll come back down off the shelf. It’s not like getting back up on the horse…it’s more like climbing onto a talllll giraffe…oh well. I’ve got a 3 day weekend, and my prior plans are ruined so…
But I digress. I gave him my number “because”. And because had I not, I feel like Karma woulda sent another asshole along to teach me a lesson. Heh…hope this week ends well. I really wish Ant coulda came to open mic last night. *fighting a smile* I remember him being quite the poet.

Happy for him!!!

Alright. So. I said I had somethin to say about Jay. Hopefully my blog is tucked away far enough for him to never find this one, lol. I love him to death, and wish him only the best…cause even though our past is troubled, he’s an amazing person and I’m blessed to have known him. With that said…

He'd kick my ass if he knew I referenced this pic.

 

First off, backstory…I almost quit my job, moved half-way across the world to have a lil girl with him. Lol, blunt, but we were on a mission back in the day, lmao. Here’s the summary:

I met him at work one day…didn’t take him serious…at all. He was gooooode looking, and played basketball…really well. So those were the red lights for me, lmao. Dude’s like that are either hoes, or they’re chased by a million of em. He gave me HIS number, and I dunno what I did with it…(well I knooow what I did with it, but I don’t want to say it here, lol.)

2 months later, I run into his homeboy…who was like, “You know, he looked for you at all his home games…looked out in the crowd, and you neva’ came…” :-/ Had me feelin’ all crunchy like the wicked witch of the East…and he calls Jay up right then and there to tell him he ran into me. Few days later, he “stopped by” Ahem. By stopped by, I mean he drove prolly 45 min to an hr to see me. Nothing sexual…we watched his basketball footage (He’s incredible) and just “caught up” since we never spoke after the day I met him. After a while, we started talking, his ex and mother of his children caused some static, makin’ threats about him not being able to see his boys…so I walked away. I didn’t wanna have any part in a man not being able to see his kids…especially one who is a devoted father like he is. He told me to reconsider, and that his ex had backed down…I still didn’t. We ended on bad terms…and didn’t speak or see each other for 2 years.

Ahem. But when we did, we hit the ground running…I was immediately on a plane to Atlanta to reunite with the man of my dreams…lol. There’s no need to go into detail…but I flew back to Texas glowing. I was looking forward to packing up my life, having a big belly, swollen feet, and buying pink stuff. This is the blog about that very day I headed home to say goodbye to Texas.

Anyway…I ended up not having his baby. He ended up having custody battles with the ex, it put extra stress on us, and we didn’t make it. By the time he moved back to Texas, there was nothing to salvage…I loved him, but I didn’t think we could make it work. I didn’t wanna risk getting caught up or hurt…and I had met Ant (insert dreamy music ya’ll, lol). The last time I saw Jay was last July. Won’t go into details, cause it was one of the saddest nights of my life. All I’ll say is that he promised up and down that in the time we were together and in the last 8 months, he hadn’t been with another woman. (I didn’t believe him). He wanted us to get back together, and for me to leave Ant alone. I wouldn’t…so he left. A month later, he posts pics up of his new (old gf) referring to her as his future baby mama. I got a good laugh outta that…cause had I left Ant (And we all know that’s not scientifically possible, lol) that woulda been me. Or it woulda been both of us! Lmao…I spoke to him back in January, and he tells me they were getting married, and he was expecting a baby in June. Then a month later he tells me she lost the baby. He said she was 6 months pregnant. (Yeah, do the math…count the lies.) But then…last week…She had the baby!!! I don’t even care about our past, or the lies…It’s a little girl!!! And she’s BEAUTIFUL…even fresh outta the womb!!!(You know I don’t fuck with babies til they’ve had the slime offa them for at least 3 weeks…lol!!! Most babies come out lookin like gargoyles and I don’t play that shit…but, she’s gorgeous. I don’t even care he was trife as hell…I’m glad he finally got the little girl we wanted…and looking at his track record, it’s for the best that I wasn’t the one to give it to him. But I’m happy. Genuinely happy…and hope he continues to be blessed with his new family, and his basketball franchise he just bought. *Chuckles* I’m an awesome ex. I guess I didn’t have to type all this out to just say that whenever I read Shannon’s blogs about the little girl she didn’t get to have…I think about ‘07. We’ll have our own with real Prince Charmings, lol, someday, I’m certain of it.

p.s. Shannon if you’re reading, hover your mouse over your name. LOL

Toodles!!!

Google Me, Baby!

Lol…so I was havin’ this “I’m hungry but too on edge to eat, What if I really doooo have the diabeetus, I miss KB, prolly should call my Madre and touch bases, Everyone buy a shirt, no I’m not crying!!! (But I really am)” Day, and I thought I’d just curl up and dieeeee!!! LOL vvvvvthat’s how I looked!!!

Punky and Breezy

Last night my Ant Bite texted me…lol, *crowd goes aww* I hope things are looking up for him.

*Pause!!!* While we’re on ex’s, REMIND ME TO TELL YOU BOUT JAY. Omg…

Okay. So today…I see Leslie and just wanna cry in her lap. But…I had a million things to do at my desk, so I just kept leanin back to keep the tears in. Even though it’s Mika’s day off, I was bummed not havin’ her here cause I know she’s never comin’ backkkkk….:( Damn son…

As far as Mr. Feet-Sweeper-Offer, in search of peace, I said my piece…and we’ll see what happens.

But so yeah…I googled myself at my desk. I’m not vain…but I do it every few weeks or so. (It’s fun because I’m like the only “Krisaela” in the world…there’s another, but I think it’s a dude in the Phillipines…) Anyway…I got the normal stuff (Blogs, Unkommon Kolor, Poetry, Track Meet results from way back when…but then…I clicked this…and it Made. My. Day. LOL…it’s like, 2 years old…but the compliments made me all warm and fuzzy inside. I never read them til today. I remember that shoot with my bestie, but not the comments on the pic. Hell, I didn’t think much of the fact that I was in the pic…I was quicker to brag on HIS skills…cause he’s freakin amazing. *Sighs* I see him enough, but I miss him. Like, I miss him 2 years ago. Sip on that…

A whole bunch of what the theeee f***.

Lol, today sucked balls!!! I’ve been all dehydrated and recovering from last night’s black out…lmao, I know I had to have been lookin like a bobbly ass crackhead the way I was shivering…

It’s amazing. I hate the “C” word as much as any guy…but I love myself too much to go far into an unhealthy situation. I don’t do things that I know for a fact I’ll regret when it’s all said and done. No, I’ll never ask for a title. I don’t think anyone should ever have to…nor do I think that it’s what makes things “work”. More important to me than any word or term is a common understanding. That’s it…so yeah, I beat myself up about it today, wondering what I did or said wrong, but really…I was still makin’ excuses. When it comes down to it, I’m the wicked witch of the west cause I asked for clarity. I’m an idiot for allowing the convo to take place in writing, and I’m annoyed I didn’t listen to Ike. :-/

Anyways. Woke up feeling physically, mentally and emotionally dead. Go to work…clock movin’ all slow and isht…Kathy gon’ ask me, “Where’s MY man Kris? How was his show on Friday? Tell him I’m soooo sorry I couldn’t make it…” I almost said, “He’s as much mine as he’ll ever be yours…” But I didn’t wanna be left open for questions, comments…suggestions. I was on edge the whole time, and as soon as I start feelin’ well enough to eat…My ace boon coon got fired on her lunch break!!! (WTF?!?!) So then I’m sittin’ at my desk, scared to death cause my lunch break was comin in 30 min. When I tell you I didn’t wanna go to lunch cause I was scared my desk would be cleaned off…ooooooh weeeeeee!!! Not because I just LOVE my job…I mean, it’s cool, and it’s nice to feel secure…but for the simple fact that I’ve NEVER been fired from anywhere…and the thought of them takin’ me to the back while someone cleaned out my desk was absolutely terrifying!!! I watched them tear through Mika’s desk behind me…they reminded me of a pack of wolves or lions, coming in for a kill. Dang homie…that shit was so foul. What’s the point of firing people in the middle of their shift??? You knew you was gon fire her a week ago…what the fuck is up with that?

Wooomuthafuckinsah.

We gon’ get it together…I’m hittin’ the ground runnin’.

Adi’s and Os’s…
-Kris. :-[

While I’m ahead?

Not sure. But one can only be so accomodating. My languages are touch, and words of affirmation. I’ve found I do my best thinking after 2 beers. On my second beer, my level of practicality is unmatched…I had a moment of clarity last night and I decided, that while I love running through the sprinkler…and eating snow cones, and havin’ block parties…these things are truly seasonal. They’ll come every year in different forms, but every year nonetheless. So…aside I step.
As for my professional affiliations…I’m disgusted at the moment. All that glitters ain’t gold, and you can best believe our problems are common. *sighs* I’m gonna do my part, and pray on it…but really…
It’s been a long night. What have I learned?

I’m certain it’s uncertain, I’m in a lopsided house and I’m making too many excuses.

I…had wondered what it’d be like, and now I know. DoNotWant.

The highlight of my day was remembering how much I love Switchfoot though…great band.

Be back later when my writing style makes more sense than my feelings right now. :-/

:)

Lol, so…the other day, I saw them kissing…bodies pressed up against each other and I thought…”Way to climb outta the rabbit hole…”

Ugh. I went back and forth on the issue, wondering whether or not to tell her to get out while she could….or to take a chance. Some would have called me a coward, but again…Flaca [Me] never plans to fail. Vulnerability isn’t really an option for a woman like me. (Haha…a woman…heehee…LOL…I’m a Woman!) Lmao…sorry…I forget I’m a grownup sometimes.

So I sat scratchin my head, tryin to find the words to say and the time to speak up…but then I said fuck it! Lol! You know what his kisses are like? They’re like when you’re a lil kid, and you grew up without a swimming pool…but yo momma let you hook up the sprinkler and run through it!!! LOL…heart beating with excitement cause you’re “scared” of the water, and it’s cold…but the sun’s hot and you kinda just find yourself either happily chasing the streams of water or letting them chase you. If you still don’t understand…next time the ice cream truck comes…get yourself a grape popsickle. Sorry, I’m just in a good, summer-y mood.

www.markushartel.com

^^^Shot out to anyone from Philly who’s ever played in the fire hydrant water during the summer.

Extra 5 points if it was in North Philly

Extra 10 points if it was in West Philly

200 points for knowin’ your local Mr. Softee!!!

Aww Man, Amen!!!

Ha…nope. GSDM

So…I’m at work…feeling the clarity!!! Woohoo!!! I’m in a pretty good mood…especially for my weekend to have sucked balls. I thought I’d have company so I didn’t sign up to work the bar yesterday…and by the time I realized he wasn’t coming, it was too late to jump on shift…I had also thought about going to Denton to render my design for my shirt order…but I wasn’t ready to put up with any of the guys on such a sucky off day. Plus, I didn’t really have the cash to head up that way annnnd back before work today.

I guess in an effort to not seem so silly, instead of picking up KB’s cereal I got some chicken and greens…(went home and baked the chicken…it was pretty good). That whole digital cable thing kicked my ass though cause I won’t get my new TV til after Friday, and I didn’t have cable…so I watched movies and took cat naps…

Anthonie came over later…(I felt like if I said no, I’d stay around the house moping because I wasted a Sunday, but I shoulda known that by saying yes (I did) I’d be in a bad mood the whole time. He was already high when he showed up and so trying to have a conversation was futile. I KNEW he drove a good hour and half to get to my house, but as soon as he stepped foot in the house, I wanted to tell him to go home. I was just tired and annoyed…nothing really against him…we just didn’t seem to be speaking the same language cause he was so far gone. I probably was just too high strung…blah. He liked my cooking though, so…yay me. Before I could say, “If you don’t like it, there’s some Cocoa-Puffs in the kitchen” , I watched him pull the drum stick outta his mouth with NO meat left on the bone…just like in the cartoons. : ) Lol…

All in all, I think yesterday sucked cause I felt like nothing was getting accomplished (I had writer’s/designer’s block) and couldn’t figure what to do with this next skate deck. Which btw, shout out to some real skaters I ran into on the Red line…they saw my last deck and loved it. New UK fans are always good. Oh well, it’s GSDM, and I brought my art supplies to work today…fuck with me.

Lastly…the rabbit hole…I’m turnin’ around, and headed out. Not for the obvious reasons either. I know, wompage. But look on the bright side! I just took a sip from my energy drink and though I’m in a good mood now, it’s only about to be magnified by a thousand. I wish me and Mika had our own tv show, cause silliness is about to ensue. Especially since there’s new people out on the floor today, and 2 chics in particular think they’re US. Ha…[Expletive] Please!!!!

Ciao…