Take the Stairs.

I watched their eyes tangle with one another’s from across the room…he stood sipping his drink, undressing her with his eyes. She…sat desperately grasping at the shreds of fabric, hoping no one noticed she was standing there naked. The second he took his eyes off her, she made her way to the door, hoping to get some fresh air and gather her thoughts. He soon followed and slipped into the elevator behind her. As the doors began to slide shut, I saw him push several buttons, guaranteeing a longer trip than usual. I’m sure he pressed his body against hers, and ran his fingertips over her lips. I’m sure she couldn’t help but to push back, and return every last kiss he gave her.

When the party began to fizzle, I finished my drink and headed to the elevator. When it arrived, I let the guys from the band on first…but with their instruments, I realized I wouldn’t fit. Opting for the stairs, I bid them all goodbye, and made my way to the door that led to the stair well. I took 3 steps down but froze at the sound of whispering and soft moaning. I slowly eased closer to the rail in order to look down and see who I had almost stumbled upon. Though I was shocked at the scene, I wasn’t surprised to find the elevator love birds going at it. Quietly, I stepped back and made my way out of the stair well.

Flustered by my discovery, and not looking where I was going, I damn near ran a woman over trying to get back to the elevators. I apologized, and was even more embarrassed when I saw that it was a familiar face…

“Have you seen…” Her voice trailed off. She cleared her throat and tried again. “I’ve been looking all over for him…can’t find him anywhere…”

I knew exactly where he was…but there was no way I could tell her…

“No…but I’m sure he’s been up and down, probably looking for you…you just can’t seem to catch him…”

I tried to give a reassuring nod as I stepped onto the elevator even though I felt guilty. My cab was waiting downstairs, and the whole way home I thought about the risk, and whether or not anyone saw us sneak away.
For what it’s worth, it was worth it.

Rehab

So…I made it 2 weeks without it…I’m happy (for now, provided I don’t relapse) in a bittersweet kinda’ way. Kenny, Law and Don would be proud of me. (welcome back Don btw…words can’t express how much I missed your writing, and insightful advice.)

Non-committment was just the tip of the ice burg I soon found out. I had to give up my drug because over the last 2 months I found myself extremely insecure…to the point that I could no longer find any happiness (pause, lol…someone once pointed out that the word happiness has Penis in it) within myself. My “happiness” was once or twice a week alone at home with him while he played Madden or 2K…there were things bothering me, but where he was, I was home…and whatever problems I had were always placed on a back burner cause I couldn’t bare to have to face them. Everything was on my end, it was all MY fault. IIIII was insecure. IIIII grew deeper feelings. IIIII agreed to where we were headed (nowhere). IIIII let it go this long. I didn’t feel like having him remind me of that. Didn’t want him to show me how much he didn’t care, and how unwilling he was to change any dynamics. These were things I KNEW. But I couldn’t deal with having them spoken…so I stayed quiet.

The first week was HARD. I spent most days uneasy and sometimes even nausous. (Like the feeling you get when something bad is going to happen) it was like morning sickness…because like clock work, it was the first thing I’d think of when my eyes opened in the morning. I just wanted my best friend back.

This week…I’m more at ease…it helps not seeing him or his name as often. I get the urge to hit him up sometimes, but I know better. At this point I’m sure I wouldn’t be welcome either way. He’s all anti emotion and what-not. But it’s been cool…I’m starting to see more things for what they are, and not what I want them to be (like I used to) and it’s done me well. I love the kid, but I can’t have him dangled before me. *wipes brow* Rehab…I’mInThatThang

While I’m ahead?

Not sure. But one can only be so accomodating. My languages are touch, and words of affirmation. I’ve found I do my best thinking after 2 beers. On my second beer, my level of practicality is unmatched…I had a moment of clarity last night and I decided, that while I love running through the sprinkler…and eating snow cones, and havin’ block parties…these things are truly seasonal. They’ll come every year in different forms, but every year nonetheless. So…aside I step.
As for my professional affiliations…I’m disgusted at the moment. All that glitters ain’t gold, and you can best believe our problems are common. *sighs* I’m gonna do my part, and pray on it…but really…
It’s been a long night. What have I learned?

I’m certain it’s uncertain, I’m in a lopsided house and I’m making too many excuses.

I…had wondered what it’d be like, and now I know. DoNotWant.

The highlight of my day was remembering how much I love Switchfoot though…great band.

Be back later when my writing style makes more sense than my feelings right now. :-/

I’m having a great hair day. And that’s about it. Oh wait, spoke too soon…I’ve got a 95% on my QA scores for the week, and just scored a 97% on my corporate calibrations. Woo-mutha-effin-hoo. Most of my bills are taken care of…and I’ll actually have some extra money at the end of the month…dunno which of my funds it’ll go to, but, it’ll be a blessing.

*Sighs* but all that aside, my mind is elsewhere. There’s a lotta things I have to adjust pretty soon to avoid disaster, and it’s a bit overwhelming. Usually my mannish approach to these kind of things would be my go-to solve-all…and yet, not this time around. Ugh…over-thinking…UGH!!! I won’t unravel my thoughts here tho, so lucky you…

Blah…be back later when I’m a bit more organized.

Post Therapy

Ha, just realized the title of this entry is a pun. But that’s neither here nor there. So, I’ve been consumed by my new favorite blog stop lately, “According to me: Learning how to fall out of love”. When I read Shannon’s blog, I can’t help but feel like I’m walking past a painted picture of a place that looks eerily familiar…

I was there. Not being able to eat, sleep, function. Always feeling like I was on the verge of being sick…not wanting to be around anyone, yet hating being alone. I was unemployed, crying in between interviews because I gave up all chances of stability while trying to preserve something that wasn’t meant for me to keep. It took me nearly 8 months to get it together. Everytime I’d get on a roll, I’d find myself ruining it for some quick fix, and then having to work twice as hard to get back where I was. I went from thinking I had to move 5 hours away from him  to finally staying  my black ass right where I was and making it to the light at the end of the tunnel. I think things took a huge turn in February when I woke up at 5am Wednesday morning to get ready to record…only to hear that my best friend had died in her sleep. It was in the days of mourning that followed that I realized that in life, there are truly more important things worth crying over.  

Eventually, I got back to “living”, and these days I’m better than ever. But, that doesn’t mean I don’t remember where I came from. This is why I find Shannon’s posts to be therapeutic. They serve as a reminder that life does go on, and you’ll make it through. I’m proof. : ) !!!

stupid ass bowling alley socks

I’m so pissed I can barely see straight. I walked around in them alllll fuckin day…they’re the only ankle socks that stay put when I wear them with hightop sneakers…
And all day I thought about where they came from, the night I got em, how foolish I had been…
There is a 6 mile chunk of 635 in Dallas that I shut my eyes and refuse to look at from the passenger seat of ANY vehicle. And if I’m driving? Best believe I take 75 instead. It tastes like a busted lip…
I’m not sure if I’m upset that I have to start all over again from yesterday, or if I’m bothered with the fact that I may have solved the problem for good. I DO know that it took seeing her again for all this to re-surface. I don’t think I’ve ever hated anyone more than her. Ever. Not Hitler, not Kevin Bacon…nobody. And that bugs me! Cause…she’s not worth it. I know this cause I had forgotten she existed til today.
I had it right about a month ago, and now due to my lack of discipline, I gotta wait til MARCH! Gimme a fuckin break already!!!
I wish my mom was here right this second. I’d cry, and cry, and cryyyyyyy, and then laugh and say, “I know, this is stupid” and we’d prolly go shopping or she’d give me a box full of designer shoes hot off the runway. Shoes that don’t require socks, and if they do, you’d never think to wear bowling alley socks with them anyway. They’re much too good for that.

2 days after Thanksgiving, I called my mom to wish her a happy one. I explained my tardiness, and after she got me all worked up about it, she challenged me to just start back writing. I told her I couldn’t, cause I had absolutely no desire to…but here we are at the end of an entry that feels like it was written on a piece of sandpaper. And I’m relieved.
Goodnight.

Don-Don-Don…(the sound of suspense…or a pleased woman, lol)

Man…Don’s post today hit home…I opened the door, said I didn’t want any…and then it proceeded to go next door in hopes of selling some thin mints. I’m on, cause that’s where I moved. But it was a great post.

Just came to do a quick update.

1.) This is a pic of the guy in the previous entry. I hate when people take cell phone pics and the phone is in the pic, but…I’ma let it slide cause he has an 8-pack.

He

 

2.) Someone stole 40 bucks from me at work today. Next time he comes in, he’s gonna wonder why the fuck the back of his head is bleeding with shards of glass sticking out.

3.) Tendai’s back from South Africa and I’ll be workin for him come December. Yay!

4.) A friend from work took me to Dave & Buster’s tonight for drinks and pool lessons. Their Mojitos are trash but their pineapple upside-down cake cocktail is the biz. He bought me roses and a teddy bear and in return I tried to think of what my excuse for not calling him would be.

5.) And then I smashed my hand in his car door. Karma is a bitch! Lol.

6.) It won’t stop bleeding.

7.) I’m madly in love with Manny Ramirez. How else could you explain my interest in baseball?

8.) Beyonce’s new song “If I were a boy” is what? The truth. As much as I wanna hate on her female empowerment anthems…the chorus shut me up.

9.) We (Unkommon Kolor) were featured in UTA’s fashion show last night and killed it. I’m ecstatic cause even though I was at work and couldn’t attend, I submitted some original pieces that were received well. (pics will be up soon).

10.) Some White guys think I’m hot. Like, “Mom, Dad, I want you to meet Krisaela” Hot.

11.) I’m finding myself listening to a LOT of country music lately…

TTYL ya’ll…

So it’s agreed. It’s a greed (That’s my creed)

Everyone was saying it, and it took me til today to finally agree with them.

Let’s be 23 about the situation.

A lie is a lie is a lie…unless you tell everyone…in which case it becomes a common belief. Why a sheep would wanna wear WOLVE’S clothing is beyond me…major shoulder shruggage on that one.

In response to an AKA probate on campus, a funny Delta once said, “Hey ya’ll…guess what happened today in the union at about 2 o’clock?”

 Everyone of course asked, “What?”

She responded, “Not a damn thang” and walked off.

This is how I feel when I do a recap on just about ANYTHING these days. It makes me wonder why the f*** I put so much emphasis on situations that were blatantly not deserving. For the first time in a LONG time, I experienced RAW anger yesterday. I was angry to the point of not being able to blog it…which is rare for me. I just had a permanent fist…ready to molly-whop anyone in my path. I could barely contain myself, and as I sat rigid in my computer chair, I thought to myself, “This is what slashed tires, keyed cars and baby mama’s are made of”. Of course it’s not what I’m made of, so I got over it. “Life is short and black and white, like little penguins…”

But seriously though…I’ll turn 23 in 10 days. Back when I turned 21, I said, “I’m 21. Not fresh-faced 18, not a wet n wild-child 19, not an ambivalent 20 year old…a grown ass, graceful, strong, intelligent, witty–I ain’t gotta tell you!!! Lol…”

And now I’ll say the same…and add that at 22, I was all the above. Well, minus the ambivalence, cause I knew what I wanted, when I wanted it, and if you couldn’t give it to me, you got dismissed and made fun of over sushi with friends.

At 23…I hope know I’ll be better than ever. My most recent mantra has been that “I can only do better”, and it’s the truth. I have a lot of stuff to work on…lots of projects I had put aside. As for friendships and relationships…this is where I’d remind the audience that some people are strictly seasonal…but I think if one were just bored outta their mind and ever just READ me, they’d pick up on that after the first few entries. What I WILL say, is that all my interactions with people (even those that appear to be a COMPLETE waste of time and bloggery) have been precious gifts because whether good or bad, they strengthened my relationship with J. Christ. Oh you know him too? That’s awesome.

The last time I blogged, I said I wouldn’t be here for a while, because of the only part that mattered…but, now I’ll just say I love you, take your time…and that whatever it is will be there when you finish, whether it was there before, it’s there now, or it’s something else completely.

This isn’t really my “How Saela got her groove back” entry…I’m just glad to be back at work and moving in a positive direction. Yesterday I was pissed because on my emotional conveyor belt, I moved the material from “sadness” to “anger” and then the machine broke down before it made it to indifference. By the time I left work today, I had fixed the machine, flipped the switch, and oila…we have a perfectly assembled and sealed package of “what were we packaging again?”

Lastly, (I know ya’ll are like, stfu already!!!) Lupe’s coming on Wednesday!!!  It’ll be my 4th time seeing him…Our “seats” aren’t that exciting cause I’ve never gone to see him without being in hug/handshake range…but, he said if he has time, we (the UK _________) will get to hang out either before or after. Here’s my logic. He’s gotta propose eventually…4’s the charm, right???

Split Screen Sadness

This is a chunk of one of my favorite break up songs by John Mayer…I suggest you give it a listen…and on a sidenote, in another break-up song he says, “I survive on the breath that you’re finished with”…and that describes my feelings to a T. Anyways…enjoy…or cry yourself to sleep.

“…All you need is love is a lie cause
We had love but we still said goodbye
Now we’re tired, battered fighters

And it stings when it’s nobody’s fault
Cause there’s nothing to blame at the drop of your name
It’s only the air you took and the breath you left

Maybe I’ll sleep inside my coat and
Wait on the porch ’til you come back home
Oh, right
I can’t find a flight……
So I’ll check the weather wherever you are
Cause I wanna know if you can see the stars tonight
It might be my only right

We share the sadness
Split screen sadness

I called…
Because……
I just…
Need to feel you on the line
Don’t hang up this time
And I know it was me who called it over but
I still wish you’d fought me ’til your dying day
Don’t let me get away

Cause I can’t wait to figure out what’s wrong with me
So I can say this is the way that I used to be
There’s no substitute for time…”

2 Poems in One.

Wouldn’t say I hate you if I wasn’t thinkin bout you…
And purely outta anger say I’m better without you…
Constant excuses give me reason to doubt you…
To make you doubt me, I make friends and go out too.

But, Even when out, feelin the need to text you,
Bitches leavin you notes, givin me urges to check you,
Hoe’s, groupies and Boppers lined up to sex you,
So I stay on edge unless I’m standin right next to you.

And,
Even then, more possessive then I care to admit,
For Girls Raised In The South, I keep a pot full of grits,
Never used to be this way, but now it seems I got bit,
By the baby mama bug and common sense took a hit.

Now steppin out her shoes, and back into mine,
Flaca never plays the victim–she commits all the crime,
Finna click over and tell her, “If I want him, he’s mine”
“But I don’t, and you shouldn’t, why you wastin ya time?”

I started writing this poem about Jay back when we were still Fred & Wilma…but as I finished what I expected to be the last line, my homeboy’s gf calls me to ask if I’m messin with her man. Thaaaaat’s when everything switched. But on a sidenote, why girls (is she still a girl at 28?) call your phone and ask if you’re sleepin with their man is beyond me. This is my theory. If you took the time to obtain my number, dial it, and ask me that…you’ve already made it up in your mind what it is. I can easily say no (cause I’m not…eew) but that’s not gonna make you believe me or feel any better. And if I say yes, then what? Do you say, “oh, okay, I was just wondering”? and hang up? No…