Rehab

So…I made it 2 weeks without it…I’m happy (for now, provided I don’t relapse) in a bittersweet kinda’ way. Kenny, Law and Don would be proud of me. (welcome back Don btw…words can’t express how much I missed your writing, and insightful advice.)

Non-committment was just the tip of the ice burg I soon found out. I had to give up my drug because over the last 2 months I found myself extremely insecure…to the point that I could no longer find any happiness (pause, lol…someone once pointed out that the word happiness has Penis in it) within myself. My “happiness” was once or twice a week alone at home with him while he played Madden or 2K…there were things bothering me, but where he was, I was home…and whatever problems I had were always placed on a back burner cause I couldn’t bare to have to face them. Everything was on my end, it was all MY fault. IIIII was insecure. IIIII grew deeper feelings. IIIII agreed to where we were headed (nowhere). IIIII let it go this long. I didn’t feel like having him remind me of that. Didn’t want him to show me how much he didn’t care, and how unwilling he was to change any dynamics. These were things I KNEW. But I couldn’t deal with having them spoken…so I stayed quiet.

The first week was HARD. I spent most days uneasy and sometimes even nausous. (Like the feeling you get when something bad is going to happen) it was like morning sickness…because like clock work, it was the first thing I’d think of when my eyes opened in the morning. I just wanted my best friend back.

This week…I’m more at ease…it helps not seeing him or his name as often. I get the urge to hit him up sometimes, but I know better. At this point I’m sure I wouldn’t be welcome either way. He’s all anti emotion and what-not. But it’s been cool…I’m starting to see more things for what they are, and not what I want them to be (like I used to) and it’s done me well. I love the kid, but I can’t have him dangled before me. *wipes brow* Rehab…I’mInThatThang

Birthday Revelation

I’m typing this miles up in the sky…on my connector flight from Charlotte (spent 3 days in Cleveland) back to Dallas. My birthday is in a few hours. I’m gonna press my words now, and then forget about them for tomorrow. A beautiful woman is growing more beautiful, wise and mature by the day, and tomorrow we’re gonna celebrate that.
But, simply put, I deserve soooooo much more…and this whole lop-sided deal where I ACT like I don’t know my worth ends now. I’m tired of acting like Rose in the Joy Luck Club…putting someone else’s love on a pedestal, like it’s worth more than mine…when nothing could be further from the truth. My love is patient and understanding. I’m fully aware that where I’m at right now is completely my own fault. I wanted to give the benefit of the doubt, and even more than that, I got comfortable. I put on my “Noh” smile, hid feelings, and took what I was given without questioning it. But that’s done. I’m going home and getting my house in order. I’m dolling myself up for ME, going out on dates, cooking and getting appreciated. I wanna go out, I wanna stay in…I wanna not feel tied down to nothingness. Trust me, this isn’t an entry to bash him…he’s a brilliant person…one of my favorite in the whole world. But I can’t make excuses for my actions anymore…

So now…selecting sweaters for fall and winter. If I’m lucky I’ll just find one perfect coat that goes with everything. been window-shoppin my ass off lately!!!
*waves @ Kenny and Law* Thanks for the ears and lectures. I’m good!

Happy Birthday to who? Meeeeee!!!

F*ck!!!

A Saturday night without a Blue OR Blackberry track ball??? I’m doomed…the sprint store better be able to fix her tomorrow or I’m gonna go ape shit. :-/ All I can really do is talk and text. Can’t surf, can’t facebook or myspace…*sighs* I’m a goner.

That…and…oh forget it.

So depressed about my Blackberry!!!

^^^^^^^^She should get laid. Just sayin.

Ha…nope. GSDM

So…I’m at work…feeling the clarity!!! Woohoo!!! I’m in a pretty good mood…especially for my weekend to have sucked balls. I thought I’d have company so I didn’t sign up to work the bar yesterday…and by the time I realized he wasn’t coming, it was too late to jump on shift…I had also thought about going to Denton to render my design for my shirt order…but I wasn’t ready to put up with any of the guys on such a sucky off day. Plus, I didn’t really have the cash to head up that way annnnd back before work today.

I guess in an effort to not seem so silly, instead of picking up KB’s cereal I got some chicken and greens…(went home and baked the chicken…it was pretty good). That whole digital cable thing kicked my ass though cause I won’t get my new TV til after Friday, and I didn’t have cable…so I watched movies and took cat naps…

Anthonie came over later…(I felt like if I said no, I’d stay around the house moping because I wasted a Sunday, but I shoulda known that by saying yes (I did) I’d be in a bad mood the whole time. He was already high when he showed up and so trying to have a conversation was futile. I KNEW he drove a good hour and half to get to my house, but as soon as he stepped foot in the house, I wanted to tell him to go home. I was just tired and annoyed…nothing really against him…we just didn’t seem to be speaking the same language cause he was so far gone. I probably was just too high strung…blah. He liked my cooking though, so…yay me. Before I could say, “If you don’t like it, there’s some Cocoa-Puffs in the kitchen” , I watched him pull the drum stick outta his mouth with NO meat left on the bone…just like in the cartoons. : ) Lol…

All in all, I think yesterday sucked cause I felt like nothing was getting accomplished (I had writer’s/designer’s block) and couldn’t figure what to do with this next skate deck. Which btw, shout out to some real skaters I ran into on the Red line…they saw my last deck and loved it. New UK fans are always good. Oh well, it’s GSDM, and I brought my art supplies to work today…fuck with me.

Lastly…the rabbit hole…I’m turnin’ around, and headed out. Not for the obvious reasons either. I know, wompage. But look on the bright side! I just took a sip from my energy drink and though I’m in a good mood now, it’s only about to be magnified by a thousand. I wish me and Mika had our own tv show, cause silliness is about to ensue. Especially since there’s new people out on the floor today, and 2 chics in particular think they’re US. Ha…[Expletive] Please!!!!

Ciao…

I’m having a great hair day. And that’s about it. Oh wait, spoke too soon…I’ve got a 95% on my QA scores for the week, and just scored a 97% on my corporate calibrations. Woo-mutha-effin-hoo. Most of my bills are taken care of…and I’ll actually have some extra money at the end of the month…dunno which of my funds it’ll go to, but, it’ll be a blessing.

*Sighs* but all that aside, my mind is elsewhere. There’s a lotta things I have to adjust pretty soon to avoid disaster, and it’s a bit overwhelming. Usually my mannish approach to these kind of things would be my go-to solve-all…and yet, not this time around. Ugh…over-thinking…UGH!!! I won’t unravel my thoughts here tho, so lucky you…

Blah…be back later when I’m a bit more organized.

Post Therapy

Ha, just realized the title of this entry is a pun. But that’s neither here nor there. So, I’ve been consumed by my new favorite blog stop lately, “According to me: Learning how to fall out of love”. When I read Shannon’s blog, I can’t help but feel like I’m walking past a painted picture of a place that looks eerily familiar…

I was there. Not being able to eat, sleep, function. Always feeling like I was on the verge of being sick…not wanting to be around anyone, yet hating being alone. I was unemployed, crying in between interviews because I gave up all chances of stability while trying to preserve something that wasn’t meant for me to keep. It took me nearly 8 months to get it together. Everytime I’d get on a roll, I’d find myself ruining it for some quick fix, and then having to work twice as hard to get back where I was. I went from thinking I had to move 5 hours away from him  to finally staying  my black ass right where I was and making it to the light at the end of the tunnel. I think things took a huge turn in February when I woke up at 5am Wednesday morning to get ready to record…only to hear that my best friend had died in her sleep. It was in the days of mourning that followed that I realized that in life, there are truly more important things worth crying over.  

Eventually, I got back to “living”, and these days I’m better than ever. But, that doesn’t mean I don’t remember where I came from. This is why I find Shannon’s posts to be therapeutic. They serve as a reminder that life does go on, and you’ll make it through. I’m proof. : ) !!!

Beautiful Stranger (From my Myspace blog)

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Beautiful Stranger Current mood: amused Category: Pointless Blog Life   Ahhhh!!! It’s good to be eating solid food!!! LOL…I thought my teeth were gonna fall out cause my gums were all soft from only taking in liquids. We’re good now…I know ya’ll wanna know what I look like without teeth, but…you’re gonna hafta wait a while. Oh, lol, yesterday on the way to the Ritz Carlton, there was this guy. I only say guy cause Greek God would seem a bit extreme. You ever run into someone SO fine that you’d NEVER approach them in a million years? Or, someone so good looking that you automatically assumed they had the i.q. of a popsickle stick? Well, let’s just say, he looked…like the type of guy that routinely has panties thrown at him. Literally. (I feel a draft, dammit!).  He looks EXACTLY like: Mario. Yum! . Okay. So, even though I’m NOT interested in dating again til I’m 80, I did find it hard standing near him on the train. It was crowded, so we had to stand up…face to face, in a tight space. I felt like I was in an episode of I Love Lucy, lmao. If I were still in a relationship, I probably wouldn’t have noticed the guy. And being out of a relationship, I DIDN’T wanna notice him. So I did the only thing I could…I called Denise so I’d have a reason to focus on something other than his dress shoes, slacks, crisp white shirt, perfect teeth and “come hither eyes”.  As soon as a seat became open, I sat down…away from him. But then another opened, and he sat down across from me. I carried on my convo, (we were talking about him in code) hoping he’d get off before me, and I could go on with my day. But he didn’t get off. I crossed my fingers for him to not get off at my stop… But he did. And I was power-walkin like a mutha!!! LOL, Denise is on the phone talmbout, “Just go up to him…if he’s THAT handsome, you’ll kick yourself later if you don’t…just speak…he’ll admire your boldness, and your sense of humor will win him over…duh!!!” But…I didn’t wanna win him over…hell, I didn’t wanna know him, lol. As I tried to explain that to D, he came from behind, laid his hand on my shoulder and said, “Excuse me…Miss…” I spun around, surprised. There was a long pause filled with him just staring. “I see you’re on the phone and I didn’t wanna bother you but…I… *deep breath* you’re beautiful.” I told Denise to hold on, and then thanked him. He asked how old I was, and told me he was 21. Recently, I made a vow not to date younger again and as if he could tell, he said, “I wouldn’t usually approach a woman I knew was older, but…you’re…(long pause again) beautiful.” (He said beautiful like he was out of breath ) Lol…he then gave me his name (Justin) and number (that I won’t call…) and then headed off back towards the train–which meant he either missed his stop, or he got off early. As I watched him walk away, the Mary Tyler Moore theme song played. LOL…oh you thought I was gonna blog about something worthwhile???

Okay, Go.

So…I decided to move back to SA with Val and the kids. I’ve come to similar conclusions in the past, but never followed through with them because I either got some sort of job advance, or ran off on some romantic rendevouz. But this time around, neither is possible…I’m outta here as soon as my lease is up. I can’t stand San Antonio, but I know that alone will be distraction enough for me. I’ll have my God children…Val, her family and my little sister to keep me grounded…I’ll be back around my hs sweetheart’s mom…aka…MY MOM…and their family. I’ll eventually have work, a new car and a clean start. As great as all that is, it’s really just me tryin to psyche myself into wanting to go…and it’s no consulation for what I feel I lost.

Val’s happy though…and…I know everyone else down there will be. It’s gonna be good. I’ll stop sayin’ I hate SA, and try to get used to the idea of living around the corner from my folks (Bleh). I won’t miss any of my sister’s games or meets…I’ll be able to run in the neighborhood without interuption from dudes or bullets…I’ll…*Sighs*

My heart (The one with arms and legs and a headband) thinks it’s a drastic decision…and the heart in my chest (virtually the same as the one with limbs) agrees. And it’s crazy…because it’s the drastic decisions that I made in preservation of what I had that put me in this position. What’s the lesson? Me first. Me second. Me Third, Forth, Fifth, Sixth, and so on. Love really is for the birds. Chirp-chirp…   This whole cycle where everyone “gets it” after 2 years stops now. That “one who got away” crap is starting to get on my last nerve. I’m good on that…trust me, I’m not it. Usually I’m the hard ass who sticks it out, cause stuff like this builds character yadda-yadda-yadda…but this time around the towel is thrown in and the white flag raised. Let me know when there’s a sale on time machines. Lol, I feel like a martyr. I promise the next blog will be about sunshine, puppies, and all that good stuff.

Please, have a seat.

This poem came about today when I realized I had a guest. It’s dripped in spite, but, it’s less personal than you would think. It’s an all-inclusive lecture (to several people, annnnd myself…) It’s how I was feeling on the way home today. Lastly, it was sparked by my decision to move back to San Antonio.

You’re not welcome,
But you’re welcome…
I mean, thank you
For joining us,
I mean, joining them.
Hall of Fame of No-Names
With plenty game and no shame.
Pretty lame…
If you think about it,
Hope you thought about it,
Hope you nod about it,
Talk to God about it,
Happy shout about it,
And can do without it,
Cause it’s good to be,
Too good to be,
(What you were to me…)
But best you be
Free,
To have two,
Or three…
To half you and me.

And I’m happy for you,
Not exactly for you,
I’ll be back before you
With my back before you…

Call me Ullyse and you Arliss

Than your excuses.

Future tales of more you’s,
Lessons with more use,
and less to lose.
Cause I refuse
(I fuse, and then I fuse again)
To be con-fused
With Beneficial Friends.
(Ctrl alt delete-ends. )

Sometimes I have to lose to win.

*Hit Send*

Split Screen Sadness

This is a chunk of one of my favorite break up songs by John Mayer…I suggest you give it a listen…and on a sidenote, in another break-up song he says, “I survive on the breath that you’re finished with”…and that describes my feelings to a T. Anyways…enjoy…or cry yourself to sleep.

“…All you need is love is a lie cause
We had love but we still said goodbye
Now we’re tired, battered fighters

And it stings when it’s nobody’s fault
Cause there’s nothing to blame at the drop of your name
It’s only the air you took and the breath you left

Maybe I’ll sleep inside my coat and
Wait on the porch ’til you come back home
Oh, right
I can’t find a flight……
So I’ll check the weather wherever you are
Cause I wanna know if you can see the stars tonight
It might be my only right

We share the sadness
Split screen sadness

I called…
Because……
I just…
Need to feel you on the line
Don’t hang up this time
And I know it was me who called it over but
I still wish you’d fought me ’til your dying day
Don’t let me get away

Cause I can’t wait to figure out what’s wrong with me
So I can say this is the way that I used to be
There’s no substitute for time…”