Take the Stairs.

I watched their eyes tangle with one another’s from across the room…he stood sipping his drink, undressing her with his eyes. She…sat desperately grasping at the shreds of fabric, hoping no one noticed she was standing there naked. The second he took his eyes off her, she made her way to the door, hoping to get some fresh air and gather her thoughts. He soon followed and slipped into the elevator behind her. As the doors began to slide shut, I saw him push several buttons, guaranteeing a longer trip than usual. I’m sure he pressed his body against hers, and ran his fingertips over her lips. I’m sure she couldn’t help but to push back, and return every last kiss he gave her.

When the party began to fizzle, I finished my drink and headed to the elevator. When it arrived, I let the guys from the band on first…but with their instruments, I realized I wouldn’t fit. Opting for the stairs, I bid them all goodbye, and made my way to the door that led to the stair well. I took 3 steps down but froze at the sound of whispering and soft moaning. I slowly eased closer to the rail in order to look down and see who I had almost stumbled upon. Though I was shocked at the scene, I wasn’t surprised to find the elevator love birds going at it. Quietly, I stepped back and made my way out of the stair well.

Flustered by my discovery, and not looking where I was going, I damn near ran a woman over trying to get back to the elevators. I apologized, and was even more embarrassed when I saw that it was a familiar face…

“Have you seen…” Her voice trailed off. She cleared her throat and tried again. “I’ve been looking all over for him…can’t find him anywhere…”

I knew exactly where he was…but there was no way I could tell her…

“No…but I’m sure he’s been up and down, probably looking for you…you just can’t seem to catch him…”

I tried to give a reassuring nod as I stepped onto the elevator even though I felt guilty. My cab was waiting downstairs, and the whole way home I thought about the risk, and whether or not anyone saw us sneak away.
For what it’s worth, it was worth it.

Rehab

So…I made it 2 weeks without it…I’m happy (for now, provided I don’t relapse) in a bittersweet kinda’ way. Kenny, Law and Don would be proud of me. (welcome back Don btw…words can’t express how much I missed your writing, and insightful advice.)

Non-committment was just the tip of the ice burg I soon found out. I had to give up my drug because over the last 2 months I found myself extremely insecure…to the point that I could no longer find any happiness (pause, lol…someone once pointed out that the word happiness has Penis in it) within myself. My “happiness” was once or twice a week alone at home with him while he played Madden or 2K…there were things bothering me, but where he was, I was home…and whatever problems I had were always placed on a back burner cause I couldn’t bare to have to face them. Everything was on my end, it was all MY fault. IIIII was insecure. IIIII grew deeper feelings. IIIII agreed to where we were headed (nowhere). IIIII let it go this long. I didn’t feel like having him remind me of that. Didn’t want him to show me how much he didn’t care, and how unwilling he was to change any dynamics. These were things I KNEW. But I couldn’t deal with having them spoken…so I stayed quiet.

The first week was HARD. I spent most days uneasy and sometimes even nausous. (Like the feeling you get when something bad is going to happen) it was like morning sickness…because like clock work, it was the first thing I’d think of when my eyes opened in the morning. I just wanted my best friend back.

This week…I’m more at ease…it helps not seeing him or his name as often. I get the urge to hit him up sometimes, but I know better. At this point I’m sure I wouldn’t be welcome either way. He’s all anti emotion and what-not. But it’s been cool…I’m starting to see more things for what they are, and not what I want them to be (like I used to) and it’s done me well. I love the kid, but I can’t have him dangled before me. *wipes brow* Rehab…I’mInThatThang

Chase

So, I’ve lived in my North Dallas neighborhood for nearly 3 years. Not much has changed accept there’s more cops, less violence, and I get slightly less attention than I did when I was new. I say less, because when I first moved out here, I was TERRIFIED to leave the house during the day. I’d get so much unwanted attention it was scary. Guys following me for blocks, or tryin to trap me with their vehicle in a dead end, etc. It got to the point where I’d only walk down the street after 11pm. Cause at night, in my pajamas, it’s harder to see what I look like. People are less likely to bother me cause I could be a crack-head, a hooker, a guy… Whatever. Well, out of all the guy’s cars that slowed down over the years, there’s one guy that I was always polite (though short) with. In all of our run-ins, He’s never honked at me (my pet peeve). He always rides alongside me, trying to convince me that “today’s the day…” Lol. He’s parked and walked with me a few times, and while I admired his “I’m tryin to come correct” approach, it still didn’t get him far. His name is Chase, and he strikes me as a soft-spoken, square Ryan Leslie. Yesterday, he saw me at the shopping center near my apts. He quickly parked his Hummer, and followed me into where else? The beauty supply store. Lol, he dared to go where no straight man dares to gooooo…lol. I couldn’t find what I wanted, so we went next door to another store where I did. (Cleaning gloves) he then grabbed my hand (bold, right?!) And for some reason I spared his life (anybody knows that I’m quick to pull out the mace and/or a blade). He opened up the passenger side of his truck and gave me a ride back home (2 min away). We talked, and after nearly 3 years of politely turning him down, I gave him my number. Not cause I wanna date anyone…hell, after this week, I’m so burnt out on “liking” someone, I don’t know when I’ll come back down off the shelf. It’s not like getting back up on the horse…it’s more like climbing onto a talllll giraffe…oh well. I’ve got a 3 day weekend, and my prior plans are ruined so…
But I digress. I gave him my number “because”. And because had I not, I feel like Karma woulda sent another asshole along to teach me a lesson. Heh…hope this week ends well. I really wish Ant coulda came to open mic last night. *fighting a smile* I remember him being quite the poet.

Happy for him!!!

Alright. So. I said I had somethin to say about Jay. Hopefully my blog is tucked away far enough for him to never find this one, lol. I love him to death, and wish him only the best…cause even though our past is troubled, he’s an amazing person and I’m blessed to have known him. With that said…

He'd kick my ass if he knew I referenced this pic.

 

First off, backstory…I almost quit my job, moved half-way across the world to have a lil girl with him. Lol, blunt, but we were on a mission back in the day, lmao. Here’s the summary:

I met him at work one day…didn’t take him serious…at all. He was gooooode looking, and played basketball…really well. So those were the red lights for me, lmao. Dude’s like that are either hoes, or they’re chased by a million of em. He gave me HIS number, and I dunno what I did with it…(well I knooow what I did with it, but I don’t want to say it here, lol.)

2 months later, I run into his homeboy…who was like, “You know, he looked for you at all his home games…looked out in the crowd, and you neva’ came…” :-/ Had me feelin’ all crunchy like the wicked witch of the East…and he calls Jay up right then and there to tell him he ran into me. Few days later, he “stopped by” Ahem. By stopped by, I mean he drove prolly 45 min to an hr to see me. Nothing sexual…we watched his basketball footage (He’s incredible) and just “caught up” since we never spoke after the day I met him. After a while, we started talking, his ex and mother of his children caused some static, makin’ threats about him not being able to see his boys…so I walked away. I didn’t wanna have any part in a man not being able to see his kids…especially one who is a devoted father like he is. He told me to reconsider, and that his ex had backed down…I still didn’t. We ended on bad terms…and didn’t speak or see each other for 2 years.

Ahem. But when we did, we hit the ground running…I was immediately on a plane to Atlanta to reunite with the man of my dreams…lol. There’s no need to go into detail…but I flew back to Texas glowing. I was looking forward to packing up my life, having a big belly, swollen feet, and buying pink stuff. This is the blog about that very day I headed home to say goodbye to Texas.

Anyway…I ended up not having his baby. He ended up having custody battles with the ex, it put extra stress on us, and we didn’t make it. By the time he moved back to Texas, there was nothing to salvage…I loved him, but I didn’t think we could make it work. I didn’t wanna risk getting caught up or hurt…and I had met Ant (insert dreamy music ya’ll, lol). The last time I saw Jay was last July. Won’t go into details, cause it was one of the saddest nights of my life. All I’ll say is that he promised up and down that in the time we were together and in the last 8 months, he hadn’t been with another woman. (I didn’t believe him). He wanted us to get back together, and for me to leave Ant alone. I wouldn’t…so he left. A month later, he posts pics up of his new (old gf) referring to her as his future baby mama. I got a good laugh outta that…cause had I left Ant (And we all know that’s not scientifically possible, lol) that woulda been me. Or it woulda been both of us! Lmao…I spoke to him back in January, and he tells me they were getting married, and he was expecting a baby in June. Then a month later he tells me she lost the baby. He said she was 6 months pregnant. (Yeah, do the math…count the lies.) But then…last week…She had the baby!!! I don’t even care about our past, or the lies…It’s a little girl!!! And she’s BEAUTIFUL…even fresh outta the womb!!!(You know I don’t fuck with babies til they’ve had the slime offa them for at least 3 weeks…lol!!! Most babies come out lookin like gargoyles and I don’t play that shit…but, she’s gorgeous. I don’t even care he was trife as hell…I’m glad he finally got the little girl we wanted…and looking at his track record, it’s for the best that I wasn’t the one to give it to him. But I’m happy. Genuinely happy…and hope he continues to be blessed with his new family, and his basketball franchise he just bought. *Chuckles* I’m an awesome ex. I guess I didn’t have to type all this out to just say that whenever I read Shannon’s blogs about the little girl she didn’t get to have…I think about ‘07. We’ll have our own with real Prince Charmings, lol, someday, I’m certain of it.

p.s. Shannon if you’re reading, hover your mouse over your name. LOL

Toodles!!!

Ha…nope. GSDM

So…I’m at work…feeling the clarity!!! Woohoo!!! I’m in a pretty good mood…especially for my weekend to have sucked balls. I thought I’d have company so I didn’t sign up to work the bar yesterday…and by the time I realized he wasn’t coming, it was too late to jump on shift…I had also thought about going to Denton to render my design for my shirt order…but I wasn’t ready to put up with any of the guys on such a sucky off day. Plus, I didn’t really have the cash to head up that way annnnd back before work today.

I guess in an effort to not seem so silly, instead of picking up KB’s cereal I got some chicken and greens…(went home and baked the chicken…it was pretty good). That whole digital cable thing kicked my ass though cause I won’t get my new TV til after Friday, and I didn’t have cable…so I watched movies and took cat naps…

Anthonie came over later…(I felt like if I said no, I’d stay around the house moping because I wasted a Sunday, but I shoulda known that by saying yes (I did) I’d be in a bad mood the whole time. He was already high when he showed up and so trying to have a conversation was futile. I KNEW he drove a good hour and half to get to my house, but as soon as he stepped foot in the house, I wanted to tell him to go home. I was just tired and annoyed…nothing really against him…we just didn’t seem to be speaking the same language cause he was so far gone. I probably was just too high strung…blah. He liked my cooking though, so…yay me. Before I could say, “If you don’t like it, there’s some Cocoa-Puffs in the kitchen” , I watched him pull the drum stick outta his mouth with NO meat left on the bone…just like in the cartoons. : ) Lol…

All in all, I think yesterday sucked cause I felt like nothing was getting accomplished (I had writer’s/designer’s block) and couldn’t figure what to do with this next skate deck. Which btw, shout out to some real skaters I ran into on the Red line…they saw my last deck and loved it. New UK fans are always good. Oh well, it’s GSDM, and I brought my art supplies to work today…fuck with me.

Lastly…the rabbit hole…I’m turnin’ around, and headed out. Not for the obvious reasons either. I know, wompage. But look on the bright side! I just took a sip from my energy drink and though I’m in a good mood now, it’s only about to be magnified by a thousand. I wish me and Mika had our own tv show, cause silliness is about to ensue. Especially since there’s new people out on the floor today, and 2 chics in particular think they’re US. Ha…[Expletive] Please!!!!

Ciao…

Excerpt

Been kinda “busy” lately…and by “busy” I mean I’ve yet to find a way to put my feelings into words without furthering my dillema…but, in the meantime, I have been looking at older entries from other blogs, and I realize that though I’ve softened up a little, I’m still a bit rough. The following excerpts can still apply to how I feel about life right this second.

November 16, 2006

“First off…I’m happy with my endeavors…happy that for the time being, folks know how to mind their business (For the most part…) Happy that when I say I was happy before you, I’m happy with you, and I’ll be happy without you, I mean it. I don’t need a nigga. Don’t need a daddy, a brother, friend, boyfriend…but I WANT you. So quit testing my ambivalence! I love how being “In a Relationship” can sometimes feel as liberating as being “Single” or as unsure as when “It’s complicated”.”

Still true. At the moment, I’ve slipped into a rabbit hole of sorts, and I’m stuck at a point deciding whether I should climb back out…or burrow my way to the the other end…I’m Tom Cruisin’ it cause this is risky business! Worth the wait? Yes. Worth the risk…hope so. *goofy grin*

Hmm.

I’m having a great hair day. And that’s about it. Oh wait, spoke too soon…I’ve got a 95% on my QA scores for the week, and just scored a 97% on my corporate calibrations. Woo-mutha-effin-hoo. Most of my bills are taken care of…and I’ll actually have some extra money at the end of the month…dunno which of my funds it’ll go to, but, it’ll be a blessing.

*Sighs* but all that aside, my mind is elsewhere. There’s a lotta things I have to adjust pretty soon to avoid disaster, and it’s a bit overwhelming. Usually my mannish approach to these kind of things would be my go-to solve-all…and yet, not this time around. Ugh…over-thinking…UGH!!! I won’t unravel my thoughts here tho, so lucky you…

Blah…be back later when I’m a bit more organized.

Post Therapy

Ha, just realized the title of this entry is a pun. But that’s neither here nor there. So, I’ve been consumed by my new favorite blog stop lately, “According to me: Learning how to fall out of love”. When I read Shannon’s blog, I can’t help but feel like I’m walking past a painted picture of a place that looks eerily familiar…

I was there. Not being able to eat, sleep, function. Always feeling like I was on the verge of being sick…not wanting to be around anyone, yet hating being alone. I was unemployed, crying in between interviews because I gave up all chances of stability while trying to preserve something that wasn’t meant for me to keep. It took me nearly 8 months to get it together. Everytime I’d get on a roll, I’d find myself ruining it for some quick fix, and then having to work twice as hard to get back where I was. I went from thinking I had to move 5 hours away from him  to finally staying  my black ass right where I was and making it to the light at the end of the tunnel. I think things took a huge turn in February when I woke up at 5am Wednesday morning to get ready to record…only to hear that my best friend had died in her sleep. It was in the days of mourning that followed that I realized that in life, there are truly more important things worth crying over.  

Eventually, I got back to “living”, and these days I’m better than ever. But, that doesn’t mean I don’t remember where I came from. This is why I find Shannon’s posts to be therapeutic. They serve as a reminder that life does go on, and you’ll make it through. I’m proof. : ) !!!

Don-Don-Don…(the sound of suspense…or a pleased woman, lol)

Man…Don’s post today hit home…I opened the door, said I didn’t want any…and then it proceeded to go next door in hopes of selling some thin mints. I’m on, cause that’s where I moved. But it was a great post.

Just came to do a quick update.

1.) This is a pic of the guy in the previous entry. I hate when people take cell phone pics and the phone is in the pic, but…I’ma let it slide cause he has an 8-pack.

He

 

2.) Someone stole 40 bucks from me at work today. Next time he comes in, he’s gonna wonder why the fuck the back of his head is bleeding with shards of glass sticking out.

3.) Tendai’s back from South Africa and I’ll be workin for him come December. Yay!

4.) A friend from work took me to Dave & Buster’s tonight for drinks and pool lessons. Their Mojitos are trash but their pineapple upside-down cake cocktail is the biz. He bought me roses and a teddy bear and in return I tried to think of what my excuse for not calling him would be.

5.) And then I smashed my hand in his car door. Karma is a bitch! Lol.

6.) It won’t stop bleeding.

7.) I’m madly in love with Manny Ramirez. How else could you explain my interest in baseball?

8.) Beyonce’s new song “If I were a boy” is what? The truth. As much as I wanna hate on her female empowerment anthems…the chorus shut me up.

9.) We (Unkommon Kolor) were featured in UTA’s fashion show last night and killed it. I’m ecstatic cause even though I was at work and couldn’t attend, I submitted some original pieces that were received well. (pics will be up soon).

10.) Some White guys think I’m hot. Like, “Mom, Dad, I want you to meet Krisaela” Hot.

11.) I’m finding myself listening to a LOT of country music lately…

TTYL ya’ll…

When it hurts so bad…

Grab the ripest grapefruit, slice it in half…these are my feelings. Raw…Fresh…Bitter.

Her

 I will get the “doesn’t matter” part out of the way, and say that…I…hate her. I chose that word as gingerly as possible…it’s rare from me, and truly heart-felt. She was there for the conception, she was there for the ultrasound…and she was oh so eager to congratulate the birth. Now because of her…it’s dangling from a five story building…I don’t have the hands to catch it, and he doesn’t have the feet to run to its aid. I hate her because I understand…hell, I can’t say that prior to today, had I been in her shoes and she in mine…I wouldn’t have done the same thing. But the funny thing is, because of their joint actions…she and I may be switching roles. Wait…that’s not all that funny.

Him

I’m gonna skip over the “Only part that does matter” cause…I’m still reeling…still lost with my loss…still…standing still. It hurts to the point of not having words for it. I’d spend all my pennies from heaven to fix it…and Lord know’s I’ve saved up…but I doubt I’d ever have enough to even put “fix” on layaway. It’s not the action…but the lights…camera…and FIN.

Me

The in between is that my trust took a blow…not just with him, but for everything and everyone. And I can’t help but wonder what I could have done to avoid it. Yes, what I could have done better, or done less, etc…

But that’s neither here nor there, nor now.